seokjin: im sorry, you were stabbed?
jungkook, rolling his eyes: /lightly/ stabbed

taehyung: you two need to bone
jungkook: BONE???????? how dare you Kim i am your superior officer!!!! BONE!!!!!!! don't ever speak to me like that again!

taehyung: we broke a rule.
jimin: yeah... i hope it wasn't a mistake
taehyung: "i hope it wasnt a mistake" - title of your sex tape *gasp* title of /our/ sex tape

taehyung: for example i know that if i run at full speed toward namjoon hyung, he'll catch me
namjoon: noooooooooooooo *drops mug of coffee and catches taehyung*

yoongi: this is Holly. i've only had Holly for a day but if anything were to happen to him i would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

hoseok: i don't see those movies, i'm too pretty

(i realised i am switching up characters but that's okay, it's more about the one liners than the casting anyways)

seokjin: and now for a message of hope. everything is garbage! you find something you care about and it's taken from you. never love anything.

jimin: i started reading it because the character looks like me. i kept reading it because it's SO GOOD!

everyone: *stares*
namjoon, walking through the room wearing an ugly cardigan: fine. i was trying something. it didn't work!

hoseok: why is yeontan wearing a beret?
taehyung: jimin saw your photos and was amused so we started an instagram account for yeontan... who now has over 14000 followers

jungkook: thanks dad
namjoon: do you see me as a father figure, Jeon?

yoongi: i'm proud of you
taehyung: oh *tears up* i'm sorry you just said you're proud of me; that's my tear trigger

seokjin: wow, you're an evil genius. next time i want to hurt someone i'm coming straight to you
jimin, visibly moved: aw! that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

namjoon: just be yourself!
jimin: be myself? what kind of garbage advice is that?

taehyung: turn the other cheek. which i recently learned is about faces and NOT butts.

hoseok: here I stand! a miracle of movements!

namjoon: how do we keep it light and breezy? oh i know! a comprehensive set of rules.
yoongi: how am I attracted to you? doesn't matter, I am. let's go!

seokjin, yelling: i am 23, a celebrity and today i'm going to die.
jungkook: not one word of that was true.

hoseok: they're six, they can take the subway.
jungkook: that's crazy, they're babies. Namjoon hyung, call them an uber.

taehyung: i feel like i'm the paris of people

seokjin: but isn't Kim Seokjin more like a state of mind?

namjoon: i checked your alibies. or more like alibLIES!

jimin: you said you had an idea and then you stopped talking.
hoseok: oh wow. *chuckles* im heavily intoxicated.

jungkook: what about me? what if something happens to namjoon hyung? and he never gets to meet my baby? i dont want to hang with some stupid baby who's never met namjoon hyung.

yoongi: everyone likes ti be the little spoon!!!! it makes you feel safe!

seokjin: dont be late or i'll slit your throats haha
jimin: you dont have to fake laugh, we know you mean it
seokjin: good

taehyung: take a look at this map of the world
yoongi: you just... keep one of those on you
taehyung: of course, in case i ever i nees to prove my point in an argument.

jimin: no, i already have a tattoo
taehyung: what? where? why? how? when?
jimin: i will never talk about it again
taehyung: *screams*

taehyung: right. that's the guy you said all that lame stuff about. like "he's a good listener".
namjoon: im sorry, what do you look for in a guy?
taehyung: i dont know, real stuff. shape of his ass.

jungkook: seriously, i have no idea what to do. oh wait! yahoo answers!

Seokjin: you have all embarrassed the previnct. Now when people think of bangtan they'll think of detective Kim filling the iron with tequilla
Taehyung: so i could make tequilla steam

hoseok: can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?
seokjin: emotionally? seventeen hundred million won.

seokjin: you've been needling poor Jeon so much you practically made him a new suit.
namjoon: needled him a new suit. even when we're fighting you're hilarious. Stop it. Stop it.

seokjin: do you know how many basic bitches would kill to have the same personality as me

namjoon: to catching a serial killer.
jungkook: to catching a serial killer.
hoseok: to Rihanna, because i love Rihanna.

jungkook, on the phone: do you carry a hairdryer in your purse
jimin: of course. im not an animal.

seokjin: well, min and i have that kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's -
yoongi: - sentences
seokjin: please, dont interrupt me

namjoon: jimin where have you been. you left your cellphone on your desk so i assumed you were dead.
jimin: hm i would clearly be buried with my phone

seokjin: so you would choose your dad over me; your coworker who hates you?

taehyung: oh, i love paris. Or at least how it's represented in the movie Ratatouille.

namjoon: jeon, take jung and min with you
jungkook: yes! my fantasy threesome
everyone: *stares*
jungkook: .... of cops on a case

namjoon: writing things down is nerdy? what do you do?
yoongi: i forgot stuff like a cool person.

jimin: i was born for politics. i have great hair and i love lying.

jimin: *is being a total nerd*
taehyung: *smiles fondly*

jin: apparently the tzar of russia gave that bejeweled egg to his girlfriend as a present. i never got a bejeweled egg... stupid Namjoon!

joon: i know what she's going through, i've been broken up with 6 times
yoongi: only 6?
joon: yes... wait does it count if they wanna stay friends after you break up?
yoongi:..... yes
joon: oh then 210 times

jungkook: okay i think you're gonna like this one. nick cage is a chemist.
hoseok: interesting. go on.
jungkook: he has to break into alcatraz -
hoseok, furiously: ABSOLUTELY NOT *crawls away on his belly*

taehyung: *forges a coroner's signature*
seokjin: you are strangely good at that
taehyung: i grew up forging report cards. if people knew how smart i was, it would have been harder to manipulate them.

hoseok: things aren't working out. i don't wanna talk about it.
seokjin: i regret the words we've already spoken.