gather round kids, grandpa is gonna Talk About Eliot Waugh

specifically: "magic doesn't come from talent, it comes from pain" and reading that through a trauma kid lens (which is, of course, mine and eliot's brand)

so i am a fan of the common interpretation that magic coming from pain is that magic springs from painful things, in the sense that those who have felt deep pain are capable of also wielding great hope and joy

good shit right there! but.

eliot says this right after telling q about him killing a boy that had previously tortured him. and while it's easy (and correct) to read that eliot's pain from his past has made him able to appreciate and hone magic, it's a bit deeper and different than that.

because, well.

you see, as a trauma kid, it is incredibly easy to believe that your survival of the extreme circumstances you lived in is just. what you had to do. that there was nothing special about it, that you weren't strong or brave, that you just did what you had to do.

eliot survives doing what he has to do-- he puts on his veneer, he channels his anger, he drinks and smokes and laughs shit off. none of this is brave to him. none of this is strength. it's just what he has to do to survive another day.

it's not talent.

it's incredibly easy to believe, as a trauma kid, that the only special thing about you is that you survived something shitty. that, barring your past circumstances, there's nothing unique or good about you inherently.

to put it another way: the only thing special about you...

is that you survived something other people didn't.

and, in this way, the pain you went through is what made you and is what continues to make you the person you are. without it, who the hell would you be?

how many times have i mourned the person i could have been-- how successful i could have been-- without my trauma?

but then, how many other times have i feared that i would have, in a sense, turned out worse, less interesting, or less of a fighter if i had lived without it?

eliot doesn't believe in that moment that pain begets magic in the way of HEALING from pain begets magic.

he believes that experiencing pain causes you to act for your survival, which begets magic. it's not your strength or perseverance, it's an outside force greater than you.

in this way, he downplays his own role in his ability to survive a bit. he did what he had to and magic swooped in and did the rest.

the more pain he experiences, the more he needs magic to survive. not his own talent or ability.

of course, he's wrong. he has survived on his own-- his magic is an extension of his talent to survive. and yes, the more pain he survives, the more magic he uses. but the magic doesn't come from the pain itself.

it comes from his want to survive the pain.

it comes from his want to kill or stop whatever is causing the pain. it comes from eliot wanting to protect himself.

that small part of him that wants to see him survive. that wants to see him live. that wants to see him heal.

that small part of him that loves himself.

magic only comes from pain when you're determined, even without realizing it, to survive the pain. even when you consciously are afraid you deserve the trauma and pain, it comes from the small part of you that knows you don't.

it's silly, because eliot is trying to downplay himself. he only has magic because he killed a boy torturing him. he wouldn't have it otherwise. he's not talented.

but he is beyond what he can believe of himself at that point.

/end thread

no one:

me: KIDS WHO SURVIVE TRAUMA!!!!!!!