This thing here, looking like the lovechild of a very angry swan and @LordBuckethead, is HMS Polyphemus, promisingly described as an experimental weapons system.

I say 'promisingly' because a) I like a jolly good laugh as much as the next fellow, and b) 'experimental' is military speak for a colossal failure.

The 'experimental' tag never gets attached to stuff that works. The famous bouncing bomb is described as a clever bomb, the panjandrum entered official histories as an absolute experimental clusterfuck - despite both being equally novel.

Anyway, HMS Polyphemeus was sexily designated - in a fit of Victorian proto-Ronseal advertising - as a 'torpedo ram'. It torpedoed stuff, and it rammed stuff, and yes, it is full of seamen, how did you guess?

I've always thought it must have been a rather hard sell to the poor sods sailing on her.

"So how do we fight with this thing?"
"Well, we fire the torpedoes at a ship, then we run up and ram it."
"After the torpedoes?"
"Er, yes."
"Into a ship that's just started to sink?"
"Erm."
"With us now embedded in its side?"
"Er."
"-"
"We have a sexy name for it, if that helps?"

"So how fast do the torpedoes go?"
"About 18 knots."
"And how fast do we go?"
"About 18 knots."
"So in fact we arrive at the same time as the torpedoes?"
"Yes."
"Are these the explodey type of torpedoes, by any chance?"
"Ooh! Look! Sexy name! TORPEDO RAM!"

In a hilarious concession to survivability, the top works were designed to float free when this thing inevitably sank. The officers would float to safety with the reserve buoyancy whilst the poor buggers below decks enjoyed a brief but exciting career in the submarine service.

Polyphemus did get used - once - to actually ram something in a display of martial intent. This is apparently a genuine photo of it smashing up some harbour defences to show Britain meant business. We weren't sure what business that was but by golly we meant it.

Clearly the entire principle was a dead end, which is why Polyphemus only stank up the navy for (checks notes) 22 years. However with an unusual degree of foresight the navy cancelled all its siblings within a month of launching it, which must have wiped the smirk off its face.

What was a very successful idea, however, was the term "torpedo ram". This was sexy and exciting and probably the sort of thing that would confuse an invading Martian. It sure as hell confused Earthlings.

Lightly disguised as HMS Thunderchild, because one cool name is not enough, HG Wells sent the torpedo ram to war against the rocket from Button Moon's infamous tentacle porn episode.

Although for those of us of a certain age the definitive image is, of course, this.

ULLA!

So for all your Martian pest control desires torpedo rams are totally what you need. For everything else there's almost certainly something better.

After the Martian panic subsided in 1903 Polyphemus was scrapped. It was probably for the best.

Shout out to my ex-followers who have suddenly realised what 90% of my tweets are about...