So this is a thing I see a lot- and it often proves to be the case even when I think the circumstances in front of me are the exception:

When a client comes to therapy fantasizing about leaving a (non-abusive) committed relationship but who simultaneously feels bound to stay...

It almost always proves to be the case that the parts of the self that have to be claimed and developed in order to leave the relationship are the same parts that would have to be claimed and developed and integrated into relationship in order to save it.

It proves, time and again, to be the same personal work, the same courage required- to express an essential, repressed need that can no longer be ignored and live with a new loyalty to it.

Some relationships can recontract around previously unconscious or unexpressed need. Some cant.

Such relationship impasses and numbnesses almost always involve a truth untold, an intimate risk avoided.

The call to intimacy is a dangerous one, an inherent risk.

There is no certainty that a relationship can travel into their mutual core conflict together, their most hidden truths and essential needs and be able to mutually accept what has been unacknowledged and avoided.

Sometimes both partners can make space and they can negotiate that risk, set down some defenses, come undone and reconstitute together

Sometimes only one partner wants to face the unconscious aspects of the relationship

But it always seems that in these circumstances the client has to develop enough loyalty to their own needs to express them - and see if the relationship can expand - or find out the growth of relationship has been capped - and the individual can only pursue growth alone.

Same courage required, same task - same route to engaging in transformative conflict no matter the outcome.

Some people who feel such conflicts do choose to hold back from this risk, avoid conflict and avoid the possibility of growth and intimacy or loss to preserve the infrastructure of the household - but there is almost always a depressive tax that must be paid for such a choice.

Or a conflict around relationship ethics and honesty and acting out that emerges. Or medical symptoms. Or irritabilities and prickly behaviors that the client is not proud of.

There is always a cost, always a risk when such an unconscious repression or a conscious stifling becomes untenable.

Its very hard to stuff it back into its container once it surfaces.

That is not to say that sacrifice is not a part of relationship. But healthy sacrifices, which can be quite painful, are made consciously and are acknowledged and deeply respected, cared about by both partners.

When sacrifices are compulsive, reactive, driven by fear, avoidance, or made reflexively, reactively - they often seem to break down and cause significant disruption.

We usually need our needs to be ACKNOWLEDGED, even if they cannot be met.

Sometimes when people reach such a crossroads I say: “Congratulations! Your relationship is capable of reaching the dangerous realm of intimacy! Not all relationships can get that far. And not all of them make it through this space.”

It seems any relationship capable of intimacy will lead us straight into the eye of the storm, as our core fears and shames and projections emerge.

Some fortunate relationships are transformed together. Some relationships encounter their core conflict and partners are changed and separated by the intensity.

But it is the same road, to face the same challenge, no matter the outcome