The past tense of vibrator is vibratored.

The plural of vibrator is vibratrices.

The past tense of dildo is dildid. The present participle of dildo is dilding. The bell end of a dildo is also the dilding.

The plural is dilsdo.

If a ballgag has more than one part to the gag, it's called a ballsgag. Incidentally, ballsgag is also an antiquated term for a cockring.

The plural of buttplug is buttplug. It's very confusing, but hey, that's English.

Just kidding, the plural of buttplug is anal beads.

If you have 13 egg vibrators, that a baker's dozen vibrator. If you have 144, that's gross, get one more.

"Harness" is already plural due to the number of straps. If you have a harness with only one strap, like a thigh harness, that's a harne.

If you have two silicone dildos, keep them in separate containers. It's not that they'll melt together, that's not a thing, they're just solitary creatures and depending on the sexes of the dildos and other factors like tank size, they might eat each other.

Buttplug should always be kept in groups, with minimal light.

A Hitachi magic wand is so named for the spells coded into the original model, "Orgasm", "Splash" and "Explosive Runes".

The magic wand original is named in honor of returning to those three. Intermediary models used Divine spells after the sale of the toy to Vibratex.

Bullet vibrators have long since outlived their companion toy, gun vibrators, because guns are a bad invention and shouldn't exist, let alone be emulated in the bedroom.

Vibrating eggs come from vibrating chickens. Vibrating chickens, however, come from a bioengineering lab outside Seoul.

Back when all appliances had professional operators, a vibrator operator was a vibrateur. This is not to be confused with a visit to the Museum of Sex, which is called a vibratour.

The last licensed vibrateur was laid off in the 80's when Reagan convinced people unions were bad.

The earliest known example of written language is at least 5500 years old. The earliest known dildo is around 28,000 years old.

Early dildos are often called "ice age batons". This is because the anthropologist vernacular, "fuckstick", gets rejected from academic papers.

The earliest carvers of stone dildos were very important, and kept their methods secret, only passing them on once an initiate earned their trust. Their order still exists today, and is headquartered at 1733 16th St. NW, Washington, DC, 20009.

The 1673 poem, Signior Dildo, is about a dildo which is used by many members of the royal court in England. Signior Dildo later married a duchess at a small ceremony and lived a comfortable life in Lochwood Castle in Scotland until it was dropped in a privy in 1701.

Due to their inability to regulate their own body temperature, dildos were previously believed to be reptiles, until enough feathered dildo fossils were discovered that the scientific community was forced to conclude they were actually flightless birds.

Despite their popularity, a buttplug isn't an effective stopper unless combined with a buttgasket. For easier closing and opening, most buttplumbers recommend a buttvalve.

18th century English grammarian Ann Fisher is considered largely responsible for the depopularization of the singular 'they'. She is also responsible for old people not liking youth slang, the death of many 20s phrases, and judgmental people's murderous devotion to Oxford commas.

Cats are the natural population limiters of dildos, and they evolved in the same area. Cat hair prevents dildos from being used, thus halting their life cycle. While both are invasive species, the presence of one without the other is more damaging than the presence of both.

Crops used to be paired with a companion toy, the Rectangular Select. When it turned out people wanted to hit their lovers, not edit their frame and aspect ratio, the latter was discontinued. The pencil and brush tools are still popular in the makeup and effects industries today.

Due to our use of plumage to attract mates and love of flashy memes, ornithologists believe queer people to be a kind of bird of paradise.

If asked about this by an ornithologist, spread your arms, puff out your chest, jump up and down, and whistle.

They can never know.

Incidentally, the word ornithologist comes from the earlier greek "pornithologist", which was the study of the bird fuckers responsible for harpies and some gryphons.

Dildo is plural, the singular is dildum

The collective noun for dildos is a fuck. This is the origin of the phrase "I don't give a fuck", which originally meant that your statement had less value than a bushel of dildos to the speaker.

The last wild dildo went extinct in 1946, due to habitat destruction in the mid-atlantic region they're from. Several efforts have been made to reintroduce captive dildos to the region, but their ecological niche has since been filled by Maryland drivers.

I will not apologize.

The intergalactic community has agreed to contact Earth as soon as a third species inhabiting it invents the dildo. Crows intend to accomplish this by 2081.

Dildometry is the use of a dildo to measure things. Dildology is the study of dildos.

Asstronauts explore the butt. In Russia, butt explorers are called cossmonauts.

Asstronomy is the study of the butt. Asstrology is a list of assumptions about people based on the time of their birth, which is totally different from assigning gender in other ways. Totally.

when Uru, the first fucksmith, created her 69th dildo in 25,821 BCE, she instinctively said "nice". "Nice" is the oldest word in human language, just before "fart".

It should be noted that homo sapiens define ourselves by our intelligence.

The term "dong" comes from a prank among nuns in 15th century Italy, in which new sisters are made to ring the church bells with a dildo. The most common type of dildo in this period was hollow glass, so if they panicked and tried to go too fast they'd have to buy a new one.

(hollow glass dildos were likely not the most common, but Italy has a long history of glass dildo making going back to at least roman times. The kind available in the 15th century was the pastinaca muranese, or "crystal turnip", and was filled with warm water before use.)

@buttplugio
buttplugis
buttplugit
buttplugimus
buttplugitis
buttplugiunt

A staple food of the people of Trobriand is a yam with contraceptive properties. Because of this, they believed pregnancy happened when a spirit got tired of being a ghost and decided to be a baby instead.

They were correct, semen is actually ectoplasm and balls are haunted.

"ding dong dildo" is a game played by American sex toy critics in which a paper bag of jelly rubber sex toys is flame tested in front of an adult store and left for the owners to stomp out.

the word "ballgag" originally referred to the act currently known as teabagging, until substitute artifical balls became more popular. Teabagging used to refer to throwing tea into nearby water to offend British people.

Time travel requires an advanced linguistics degree.

The alphabet cunnilingus technique owes its popularity to a party game called "Cunnilinguist", in which one player would sit on a teammate's face, and the teammate would try to get them to say a word by writing it out with their tongue.

"Dictionary" has similar origins, add a k.

While anthropologists have failed to agree on the exact date, it is generally agreed upon that cucumbers were originally bred to their current size for sexual purposes. Older varietals had a flared base, but they were wiped out by Christian missionaries during British occupation.

The Dildevil first appears in Christian literature in 1487, in a pamphlet distributed at Italian convents to discourage masturbation among nuns.

The nuns decided to fuck more people, and the pamphlet was banned. The Dildevil then lay dormant until a soul was sold to him in 2015.

Abraham Lincoln's oft cited quote, "Anything's a dildo if you're brave enough", is not a motivational quote, but originally an insult directed at his opponent, Stephen Douglas. Stephen Douglas was a frightening chimera with a horrible and perplexing beetle penis.

the term "nuts" in reference to testicles comes from looking at them once

Dragon tail style impact toys can be traced back to the hunting and eventual extinction of dragons, when maidens of all genders realized they had to get their kinky fun times another way because jealous vanilla princes kept showing up and starting shit

the first spanking paddle was invented when someone decided they didn't want to keep spanking people from five feet away with a regular one

the first sex fact PSA was produced when a priest of the roman catholic church put out a pamphlet in the 1200s that stated the clitoris didn't exist. The second sex fact PSA was a hearty "yeah it fucking does" from the local literally everyone.

Diamonds are formed when carbon is subjected to high temperature and pressure deep within the earth's crust.

Dildos are formed when silicone is subjected to room temperature and pressure deep within a mold.

Because of this, dildos are not all slowly turning to graphite.

butts can be used to charge your electronics if you have the right adapter.

Ballgags may be a classic, but bitgags can store data.

Never trust anyone who gets mad when you say "ATM Machine" but not when you say "assless chaps".

when going down on someone with a clitoris, lick up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, then hit B, A, and Start to become an immortal being beyond time and nature. If you do this while rimming you activate the multiball.

The cockdruids of borderlands Scotland once summoned a dildo so powerful it overcame their runes and protections and escaped their summoning circle. It spent most of its life at Lake Ness and was last seen in a blurry photograph taken at Chesapeake Bay.

The sex party at which the universe was created was only called "The Big Bang" because "Fuckstravaganza" was already taken by a bunch of people better at naming things, group sex, and, frankly, making universes.

Sexual orientation is the ability to find north using only your genitals. A gender is a person who gends.

"Gents" isn't short for "Gentlemen", but in fact refers to anyone who has been gent by a gender.

Latex fetishism started with an untitled old film in which a condom grew around the person wearing it, ultimately engulfing them.

It is uncertain whether the film was intended to be horror, anti-condom propaganda, or a porn parody of "The Blob".

"BDSM" is a nested acronym which refers to bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, and sadism and masochism. It is correctly pronounced "Bondidosusama", after its revered inventor, Bonjidosu Kinkiro.

"Bonjidosu Kinkiro" is my kinky hentai OC please don't steal (please take them from me)

Particularly phallic stalagmites and stalactites were prized in the neolithic era for their ease of use and natural smoothness, and were extracted with special tools to avoid unnecessary damage. These special mining tools are called dick picks.

in the Masters & Johnson sexuality study, Masters fig.B is the second graph, in which people ranked their satisfaction with solo-sex orgasms. The average was very high, an 8 out of 10. Masters B-8 became shorthand for solo sex among the researchers, and was eventually simplified.

By the time the research was published, they simply referred to solo sex as masterbeighting, and the name ultimately stuck.

If your solo sex is less satisfactory, you may be mastersixing, or even masterfouring.

It is impossible to masterbeight more than four times in one day, as pleasure storage in humans only goes up to 32 bits. Lube manufacturers are hard at work on better compression software.

If you've ever wondered how data on penis size was collected, think about what data collection method you'd laugh a research assistant out of the room for suggesting.

That's right, the average penis size you've heard a thousand times is based on self-reporting.

I know this thread is mostly jokes about made up things, but in this case, the joke is 20th century scientific methods

Teledildonics is sex tech that allows people to interact sexually over a great distance, which has many other exciting potential applications.

Orthodildontics is the straightening of teeth via sucking a series of specially designed dildos.

The first artificially created wormhole will be created on January 21st, 2041 at 9:06 PM by a masturbation sleeve company. The implications for teledildonics, gloryhole fetishists, and alien fuckers will be discovered at 9:31 PM of the same day, in approximately that order.

Scientists have long argued whether dildos are warm or cold blooded, and will be disappointed to learn they don't have blood

Lack of internet access and productivity of fucksmiths were measured in a study today and results indicated a strong negative correllation. Critics of the study say that it isn't a study with no control group, no researchers, and a sample size of one.

A common story says that the first vibrator was invented by Cleopatra by filling a gourd with bees. While it is impossible to verify the truth of this, it would explain why no one appeared to try again for nearly two millenia.

When a bullet vibe isn't enough, try an egg vibe. When an egg vibe isn't enough, try a wand vibe. When a wand isn't enough, try a riding vibe. When a riding vibe isn't enough, try sitting on a fault and waiting.

When an earthquake isn't enough, try a 22 year old Honda Civic.

If you use both hands in a handjob, it's a "handsjob". If you do it more than once, it becomes "handsjobs". If you do it multiple times a session over several sessions, that's "hansdsjobses".

"Hansdsjobses" is also the Dutch word for manufacturing.

Language comes from the Latin "lingua", meaning tongue. If your dick is doing the talking, that's Wanguage.

The difference between platinum cured silicone and tin cured silicone is that tin cured silicone is an additive reaction with water in the surrounding air, and platinum silicone is motivated to cure by greed

Add more circles to your circlejerk by using silicone lube with cyclosiloxanes rather than just regular dimethylsiloxane

If you got that joke, thank a teacher

but maybe don't tell them why

The word "wang" comes from the English "Whangdoodle", which shares a meaning with dingus, whatsit, thingamajig, doodad, whatchamacallit, and "that thing, you know, that".

This implies someone forgot literally every other word for penis at some point.

Similarly, the word "cock" when referring to a penis is short for "cockadoodledoodad"

It is best to avoid using the word "dongle" to refer to dildos and penises because a dongle is a thing you stick in a computer. Imprecise language can lead to electrocution.

When preparing for an orgy, remember to plan any food served around the possibility that some dingus might not wash their hands thoroughly.

Maybe skip the buffalo wings.

Can't tell if something in a bottle is lube or hot sauce? Don't use it. On anything. It's not worth the risk.

Before any sex act with any partner, toy, or hand, pray to a fertility god about all the cool shit they could be doing that isn't getting you pregnant. It's their whole deal, you want them distracted.

Like any birth control, this works best when combined with a barrier method.

Any conversation about penises is called a dickscussion.

If you can't decide which of two dildos to use, you have a dilemma.

The North Atlantic Tree Dildo went extinct in the wild in 1991 due to overfishing. Small captive populations still exist, but are not large enough to reintroduce to the wild.

A double ended dildo is creatively called a "double dildo". A double ended buttplug is called a buttsplug.

According to some theories, all time has already happened simultaneously. If you ever hear cackling from an unknown source, it's because someone explained our nipple-covering taboos and legislation to a person in the future and they laughed at us so hard it ripped spacetime.

Humanity's first inventions were spoken language, dildos, and rope, due to a time travel accident where a pervert got stuck in 98,000 BCE after trying to tell their past self a good comeback and instead had to teach early humans how to tie someone up and call them names

If you're a DDLG dom and you make puns, you're not a daddy dom, you're just dad

Buttplugs are useful for plugging lots of things other than butts, but people give you weirder looks than they do when you use cheesecloth to strain broth, for some reason

The word buttplug has a long and confusing etymology. It originally primarily referred to the rubber caps in the ends of pole-vaulting poles until an accident during the 1986 summer olympics. Amusingly, what we call a buttplug was called a holecap, but it's okay, they switched

Oral sex was invented after the domestication of dogs when humans realized that it was a great idea but they needed help to reach