Read on Twitter
this is going to be the start of my “things my father in law says to me” thread https://twitter.com/nicki_mcmurdo/status/1138271860070600705
some guy is trolling dave and his girlfriend on IG and he’s screaming at his phone “come on melodymaker64! is that all you’ve got?!”
hello 911? I finally go to the point where my FIL said something and all I heard was that it sounded just like my BF.
dave: hey I brought the big cooler out, get in it.
me eating an apple sauce pouch
dave: what is that? an edible? i’m worried about you
dave: what is that? an edible? i’m worried about you
“yeah we don’t have hairdryers in california. legalized weed and outlawed hairdryers in the same bill.”
mikey: we need to throw a 20s party on new year’s eve
dave: only if I can dress up as a flapper. i’ll even shave my legs.
dave: only if I can dress up as a flapper. i’ll even shave my legs.
dave just asked if hairspray is a song along movie... of course it is sir. I know every single word of it. this is an american treasure.
“you never let me sing sir mix a lot!!!”
we got a new garbage disposal 
long time no see. dave is standing in front of the AC unit and blowing it up his shirt and just said “what are you looking at? i’m cooling off.”
dave: that’s my speech at your wedding. “if you’re gonna be a bitch you’re gonna get locked out”
dave: I don’t have money, i’m a felon
dave somehow triggered our echo Alexa and firestick Alexa and they were both screaming at us and if this is what the future looks like i don’t want it
“she gave you a tomato? fuck that shit.”
oh my gooooood these idiots are drunk and arguing about the wedding i’m dying laughing
me: do we have food? i haven’t had dinner
dave: nope we’re empty
then this man comes into my room, sits on the floor, opens up doordash and says “let’s find dinner!” bitch i’m gonna cry
dave: nope we’re empty
then this man comes into my room, sits on the floor, opens up doordash and says “let’s find dinner!” bitch i’m gonna cry
first he yelled at it for five minutes trying to remember his password but that’s not important
YALL
this man just said he can’t move into his girlfriends house because she doesn’t have a place to charcoal grill 
Dave farted and then turned to me and said “Your the first girl I’ve farted in front of” WHAT
“Cancel your wedding and buy meet and greet passes for @jonasbrothers”
dave just condescendingly called me “hun” this is the end of this thread because i’m going to have to kill him
unfortunately dave lives to see another day because he wants to buy @Target out of their discount bubble guns so we can have a fun exit for our wedding
dave: are those red vines?! or twizzlers?
me:.... twizzlers
dave: damn it
me:.... twizzlers
dave: damn it
me two minutes later: they’re red vines do you want one?
dave: you are.... so mean
dave: you are.... so mean
I threw one to him and hit him in the face I can’t fucking breathe
“if you can’t throw shit then don’t fucking throw shit”
“if you can’t throw shit then don’t fucking throw shit”
dave has now said he’s going to put a parental lock on the tv when we get disney plus so I can’t watch the jonas brothers 3d movie
dave is watching the jonas brothers documentary with me right now is this real life
our front door won’t open without force and dave goes “we live in the damn winchester mystery house!”
dave’s mom: kentucky is a nice place!!
dave: yeah if you’re white or a conservative
dave: yeah if you’re white or a conservative
“they don’t let mexicans into kentucky so when we go next year you can’t come nicki”
dave was trying to remember the name of a meat documentary he watched and he goes “meat... no. meet the cockers? yeah” and i’ve been crying for five minutes
this thread has been bare because i’ve almost had to kill dave but I was showing my MIL our new cheese plate and I said “did you twist it out?” and dave goes “even white boys got to shout!” in what world....
I yelled out “dad” twice and dave finally looks over and goes “ive never heard a girls voice yell that before” and I almost cried. I needed him to make me a drink 
me: hey dad!
dave: *looking around for someone else*
me: literally who else would I be talking to right now
dave: *looking around for someone else*
me: literally who else would I be talking to right now
anytime I say “hey!” dave turns around and it is just wholesome as heck
dave and I went to our annual daddy daughter dance on saturday and then we went to the saloon and took shots. LOOK AT HIS FACE THIS IS WHOLESOME CONTENT PEOPLE
the man behind the thread. love him.
ALSO we go to monday night dinner every week but haven’t gone since november before dave’s dad got sick. we finally went a few weeks ago and our regular waitress goes “you’re missing one, where’s your dad?” and dave goes “oh yeah he died” and i’m just
this man just walked by my bedroom door and flipped me off when I threw up a peace sign to him. live footage:
baby is taking a short nap and I was complaining about how my nap had to be short too but i’m so dang exhausted so dave offered to get up with her so I can nap longer. I don’t deserve him
dave: I was gonna make a dirty joke but you’re my daughter so I can’t anymore
so we got married on a golf course and for months dave and his brother were joking about how they had a tee time when our wedding started. so these MFers show up to our wedding while i’m taking pics with my bridesmaids with GOLF CLUBS and dave just looks at me like
I am having the longest and quite possibly the worst day of my life and I got home and Dave just hugged me for the longest time and I feel like that was my first real dad hug and I’m still crying (for a lot of reasons, but those are good tears)
Dave came home and did a 15 minute comedy sketch about going to Taco Bell in Oakland. There were dramatic moments, different voices, and he perfectly portrayed six different people he met in the restaurant.
*me walking into the house*
dave: HEY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!! MY DAUGHTER IN LAW STEAM CLEANED THE WHOLE HOUSE. TAKE THEM OFF! NOW!
dave: HEY! TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF!! MY DAUGHTER IN LAW STEAM CLEANED THE WHOLE HOUSE. TAKE THEM OFF! NOW!
this was after he said he was going to skateboard through the house after I steam cleaned the floors
my MIL often calls dave ‘crockett’ (davy crockett.. dave crockett) and she just said “crockett hand me my wine!” but i was closer so I handed it to her and she goes “thanks lil crock” I don’t know why this is cracking me up so much
I don’t know why this is cracking me up so much
no comment necessary
“do you think I can start a go fund me? i’m gonna tell people I got arrested while trying to steal toilet paper from jack in the box since safeway was all out”
me: you only get names that start with D. dave, dad, dipshit...
dave: dummy, dipthong... you know how it is
dave: dummy, dipthong... you know how it is
me: sup bitch
dave: hey whore!!
dave: hey whore!!
dave loves condescendingly calling me “mija” just like my mom does and it makes me laugh every single time
dave: you can’t hate me, i’m your only father!
me: I would still love you the most even if you weren’t the only one!!
me: I would still love you the most even if you weren’t the only one!!
dave just found his father’s day card from when we told him Addie was a girl and NOW IM EMOTIONAL (the front flipped up to reveal that she was a girl theres a heart warming video somewhere of this)
(the front flipped up to reveal that she was a girl theres a heart warming video somewhere of this)
dave after looking at this: WOW! my orchid is looking AMAZING!! https://twitter.com/nicki_mcmurdo/status/1246955428245692416
ladies and gentlemen I present, my father in law
dave doesn’t know he’s a twitter celebrity so when i told him that this tweet did really good he was shocked. I can never tell him about this thread
