. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“Oh, you play D&D?”
“I used to. My character’s name was Bumblefuck.”

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“I like fantasy too.”
“Oh? What did you think of the Game of Thrones finale?”
“I think it’d be cool to have a dragon!”

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Disclaimer: Online dating can be totes lovely! And I'm sure these guys are great for someone else! Last time I did the online thing I dated the fella for 5 years and got engaged. These particular convos are just dull AF, and I'm picky how I spend my time.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"Beautiful girls all over the world I could be chasin',
but my time would be wasted 'cause they got nothin' on you."
"Hi. This is plagiarism."
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"My marvel super hero is Spider-Man during his black suit era. He’s trying to do right while going through a goth phase."

................................................Ok, I'm listening.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Friend: “What are you up to?”
Me: “Swiping through men.”
Friend: “Handsome men?”
Me: “Currently looking at a guy whose t-shirt says ‘dick butt’.”

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

For those of you keeping score at home, the goth Spider-Man stopped talking to me after I accused him of cheating for rating a comic book 100/10.

I stand by my statement.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Swipe left. Swipe left. Swipe left.

Stops on realistic photo edit of epic lightsaber battle against a city skyline.

...

Swipe right.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Swipes through pictures.
Sunglasses photo.
Sunglasses photo.
Sunglasses photo.
Might be a ditto.
Swipe left.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“I love your cats toe beans! Is she available for dating? I mean. Hello. Hi. You seem interesting and probably have great toe beans too.”
“Hi.”

Good talk.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

A twist: Goth spider-man has messaged me again after the fiasco where numbers held no meaning and anarchy ruled the streets.

We're talking about the weather.

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“I was raised by 3 women, so I definitely know my way around crazy.”

Turns to camera.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Context: His entire profile has references to Pokemon.

"Hi there!"
"What kind of pokemon are you? How do you do the things you do?"
"What do you mean?"

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"Just so my intentions are clear, I want to get to know you so I can play with your adorable dog."

I do not have a dog.

I do not have any pictures with a dog.

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"So tell me Lysa, what’s your favorite board game besides D&D? If you say Clue, we might need to elope."

😐
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: PLEASE SEND ME ONE DECENT CONTENDER.

World: Here is a man holding a giant pancake next to his head.

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“Either stop being so damn attractive or chat with me. Your choice.”

I can’t believe I have to dunk my head in acid now.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

App: Someone likes you, Lysa!

Me: That’s cool. Who?

App: It’s a man in a leotard and a horse mask double fisting nerf guns.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

App: Someone likes you, Lysa! I know it was a miss with horse mask leotard double nerf guns, but this one is a winner.

Me: Ok, show me.

App: It's a man standing next to a Guy Fieri poster.

*throws phone out the window*
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

App: Waaaaait!!! Here is a man who photoshopped sloths and meme cats over all his friends faces!!

Me: Walks downstairs to pick phone off the sidewalk.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

App: I noticed you’ve been swiping left a lot lately.

Me: Please stop showing me the guy in the “dick butt” T-shirt.

App: Ok. Here is a man who is a 99% match and is literally cosplaying Thor.

Me: Uuuuuhhhhhhh... 👀💦💦💦
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Sends a message to a guy I like.

Realizes after hitting send that I used the wrong your/you’re.

Wow, what a twist! Who knew I was the true villain all along? 😫
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"I am the founder of The Temple of Light."

Oh no.

"The Temple of Light is a shamanistic organization of philosophes that will connect you to the divine."

Oh no.

"Manmade drugs are poison."

Oh no.

(No one get mad at me. This is a dating app.)
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"I work as a Penguinologist."

..................I'm listening.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Here’s a man pretending to pee off a mountain!

Swipe left.

Here’s a man whose picture is just his cat covered in cash!

Swipe left.

Here’s a man who declares he’s done being just friends!

Swiiiiipe leeeeeft.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I updated the top of my The Dating App profile to mention I'm seeking a buddy to see Dark Phoenix this weekend.

And no one has spoken to me since.

Is the movie that bad??!!?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I haven’t added to this thread in a while, because when I open The Dating App, I see stuff like:

- Grown man in Burger King crown

- Message that Hawkeye is his favorite Avenger

- Just a zoomed in picture of someone’s leg sunburn
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: The Dating App, please send me someone nice and fun I can talk to.

App: Here is a man impossibly tangled in a hammock. He admits to being a highly political contrarian who has eaten roadkill. You share no interests.

Me: ...

App: He has a cute dog.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: What's your favorite dinosaur?

Him: I like underwater dinosaurs. You?

Me: THINGS UNDER THE WATER ARE TERRIFYING AND A MENACE.

Help. I'm heckin' everything up.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

The saga from the previous tweet continues.

Him: You know all the underwater dinosaurs probably still exist tbh.

Me: WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO YOU?!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Act three of the previous tweet.

Him: Haha, huh? What do you mean?

Nevermind. I'm bored.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I got SUPER excited for a solid minute that someone’s name was Thor Hammeren, before I realized it’s a fake name.

Still swiped right just in case.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Someone who knows me. On here. Has found me. On The Dating App.

Well then.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Development. Ya gorl is going on an actual real life date tomorrow! Let's try not to HECK IT UP.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: “Ooo, new messages.”

Them:

“Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“You’re hot.”

“Hello.”

How can I possibly resist this Shakespearean prose? 😐
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Date fail. Ya gorl got rejected. Don't want to share details but would like a mighty comfort please. Feeling like an unlovable bean.

Thanks for being on this roller coaster with me, world.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Ya gorl has a date after she gets home from England.

Me: I'll probably be SUPER sophisticated when I return. Be prepared for a black tie outing.

Him: I expect you to be wearing a monocle and using a cigarette holder.

Escalated. Have I met my match?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Regarding the previous tweet...

Before anyone gets too excited...

He's promised me good pizza in Seattle, so the man is setting himself up for failure. Let's just be honest with ourselves.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“Let’s not label it. I’m rad. You’re rad. Let’s just have fun.”

Said no emotionally intelligent man ever. 😑
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“What’s your favorite dinosaur?”
“Do you think he saw us? Dyathinkhesaurus!”
“Oh boy.”
“Well it was a pretty silly question!”
“That’s fair! What would have have asked?”
“Wanna f*ck?”

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

The latest mans I'm talking to uses complete sentences and paragraphs, expresses an interest in what I say, and asks me about my friends.

::bangs phone on table::

Is it broken???!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

"MAGA, baby!!"

That wasn't an earthquake. That was me laughing so loudly until the end of time as I swiped left so fast the world spun off its axis.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Help. I've run out of small talk ideas, and now all this mans will talk about is CrossFit. Save me.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

For those keeping score at home, the survey you wingbeans made really opened up CrossFit mans. Instead of lifting and burpees, we’ve been talking about our shared interests in plants and homesteading.

SORRY SOMETIMES YOU GET A SERIOUS BORING UPDATE OK?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Everyone think healing thoughts. If I get over this sore throat, I have a date with CrossFit Mans tomorrow. 🤞🤞
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

So this guy is back. Last we spoke, I told him I was throwing my phone into the ocean. A week ago. https://twitter.com/mercyfuldm/status/1140343505119694848?s=21
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Him: Hi. How’s it going?

Him: Rainy afternoon.

Me: Yup. Real wet here in the ocean.

Him: Oof.

Him: So that’s it?

Him: Kind of snippy.

Me: You seem awfully entitled to my time for someone I do not know.

Him: IM JUST MAKING AN EFFORT TO TALK TO YOU.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

For those keeping track of the overarching storyline:

Date with CrossFit Mans went well and we only talked about CrossFit ONCE. Probably need someone to explain what CrossFit is to me at some point, because I’m too scared to ask him lest I never escape.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Haven’t logged into The Dating App til tonight and one mans had a whole conversation with himself.

5am: He’s choosing a Marvel character for his identity.

4pm: He wants to “hook up with Mystique because then you can technically bang anyone”.

😑
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“I didn’t really like Thor Ragnarok.”

THROW HIM INTO THE SEA!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Don’t worry, everyone. I’m in another hemisphere, but I’m still able to sabotage good vibes with CrossFit Mans. The dating horror stories can continue.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: Hmm, it’s been a while, The Dating App, and I think my heart has healed enough to...

App: Here is a mans taking a selfie with a dog taking a shit.

Sigh.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Been debating with a Cute Mans who would win a fight: Captain Marvel or Scarlet Witch. Was going to dismiss him as he's 5 years younger than I am... but he asked me out with a date, time, and place, which honestly makes him the most mature candidate yet.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Re: previous tweet

Everyone give me reasons why Scarlet Witch would win. Let's do Wanda justice!!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating IRL edition

Mans chatting me up at the bar: So do you go to the UK often?

Me: Not really. I was in a castle for a week running #and games for people.

Him: That’s pretty nerdy. I wouldn’t even admit to that.

Woooooooow get away from meeeee!!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

For those following the overarching plot, Cute Mans asked me what “the backstory” of Ravenloft is. He is not prepared.

::rolls up sleeves::
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“Could you send me a link to the show you do? I’d love to watch some of it.”

🎉🎇🎆😍💞🎊🎆💖🎇🎇🎆😍
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Hello readers here for the long haul.

The more I talk to and learn about Cute Mans, the more I dig him. Is this... a crush...?

Save me.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I've noticed y'all engaging more with the ❤️ tweets more than the 💔 tweets these days, and I just want to say it means a lot to have everyone rooting for me.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

My new coworker apparently is a professional relationship advice giver as a side hustle? I work with... Hitch...? 😱❤️
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

We shall call coworker: The Matchmaker.

The Matchmaker says his top tip is a call before a first date. You can probably tell immediately if it’s a definite mismatch, and you will feel less nervous on the first date.

Let’s see what Cute Mans says.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Me: Who does phone calls?! What if he doesn’t want to do a phone call?

The Matchmaker: Then what’s wrong with him? It’s not a lot to ask. If someone isn’t willing to do a quick call, they probably have commitment issues anyway.

🤯
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Update: Cute Mans is down for a phone call.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

This tweet is asking for advice! Everyone give me advice not to BE A FOOL on the phone tonight! For tonight. We talk. To. Cute Mans.

The Matchmaker: Find a comfortable phone talking area where you can be relaxed and open. NO SPEAKERPHONE!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Phone call with Cute Mans:
❌ Kinda hard to hear. Ugh. Awkward.
✅ Called 7pm on the dot.
✅ Asked lots of questions.
✅ Thinks my job is super cool.
✅ Made a #dnd character concept together.
✅ Easy to laugh. I like that.
✅ Going on a date Friday. 🎊
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Nice morning text message! Cute Mans is looking forward to our date tomorrow.

Shall we predict how I'm gonna heck this one all up, marshmallows?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Another date scheduled for tonight but the guy was a no show. Ruuuuude. But he’s not a main protagonist in this tale anyway. Just here for the dating montage.
20 hours til the date of the century. No pressure.

The Yelp page for the place we are going features this teapot.

Readers, if we do not experience this teapot, we riot.

#LysaDoesOnlineDating
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I hecked up and posted the date recap elsewhere so here’s an update for the main thread, marshmallows!

Favorite moment of date with Cute Mans: Coming across a guitarist on the lakeside trail and dancing under the stars.

🎇
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Stitching together threads. And also I want to point out this thread has gone from “Bumblefuck” to moonlit dancing. There is hope for us all. https://twitter.com/mercyfuldm/status/1149945581176930305?s=21
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Told Cute Mans I have a big ol crush on him. Save me from myself.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“You have me blushing and the feeling is kinda mutual.”

💞🎉🎊🎇🎆💞🎉💖🎆🎇🎊😍🎉💞🥰💖🎉🎇🎊🎆
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Cute Mans wasn’t the one.

I’ll be ok.

Eventually.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I never anticipated when starting this thread that it would give others the encouragement to hold their hearts out there and find someone. Thank you to those who’ve messaged me my tragic tale has done just that.

Thank you for being vulnerable and brave.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Here is a side thread about what happened last night and today with Cute Mans. https://twitter.com/mercyfuldm/status/1152735681988325376
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I think showing appreciation is important, so I let Cute Mans know I liked how we navigated this conflict and why.

Cute Mans: “We all have different communication styles. In order to keep strong communication, we have to adapt to each other’s.”

Melt.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

After all that, he texted me he changed his mind. 🙃
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I sure love men making a big display of being invested and convincing me to let my guard down only to change their minds within literally 24 hours. 🙃

What is it about me that says WHIPLASH?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

All I want today is (1) not to cry in the office and (2) to just know what happened/changed. But we don't always get what we want.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Leaping heart forward back into the fray. Nothing without hope.

Chatting with someone experimenting with a vegan marshmallow recipe. Marshmallow Mans apparently already followed my D&D work, so this will be interesting. Wave wave if you're reading this.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating Breakup Edition

So no one thinks I'm perfect and that moving on is easy: I haven't eaten in over 36 hours. I'm so numb I didn't feel the doctor draw blood this morning. And then the barista at the Starbucks drive-thru winked at me and I started sobbing. 💃
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

So charminggg!! 🐸
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Update for mine mallows. Your squishy is healing. Deleted CMs number, texts, etc. and it feels like a weight has lifted.

We’ve been going on fun first dates to practice our extrovert skills. CrossFit Mans (is back). Wargame Mans. Tonight is Bowling Mans.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating IRL edition

“Do you know which bus goes downtown?”
“That one over there will get you there!”
“Can I have your number?”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“No.”
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I've just been meeting people w/o expectation of feeling anything but... Bowling Mans was really super fun! It's not heart emoji fireworks explosion, but he's smart and funny and the banter is 💯. We're going to the aquarium.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

This marshmallow’s week of dating the sadness away continues with SPARKLY DRANKS at a fun cocktail bar tonight. I’ve never dated someone who doesn’t identify as a Mans, and I am curious/anxious/openminded. At the end of the day, we are all just beans.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I’m learning a lot about myself. Two things tonight.

(1) All my ability score improvements are going into Charisma. I can totally lead a conversation now! I’m a great first date! Engaged, curious, fun, funny, sweet. Everyone has wanted to see me again.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

(2) I’ve caught a feeling. All I could think about tonight was Bowling Mans. Oh no.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Bowling Mans sent me sweet late night texts quoting Shakespeare and letting me know he’s excited for tomorrow.

We are going to the aquarium and then cooking dinner together.

I have that floaty cloud feeling.

I think we need a better nickname for him.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Getting to know and appreciate Bard Mans as his own distinct bean. Deeply philosophical. Super funny but dark. Smart and quick-witted.

I think I like him like him.

After what happened with CM, I’m terrified as all heck. Saaaave meeee.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Not to jinx myself but I think Bard Mans and I are actually going to make it to Date 3? It's my turn to plan...

If I don't heck this up before Friday, I'm packing a picnic and DMing him through a 2-person #DnD module by @DnDDuet. https://www.dmsguild.com/product/264021/First-Blush
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Oh my gosh. Bard Mans is at an Adventurers League night right now, because I kept talking about it. :0
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Bard Mans has admitted to reading this thread. EVERYBODY SCRAM!!!
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

He called me Warlock Babe.

Help.

Help me.

I’m floating away.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

“If you feel a light caress tonight it's just me doing my best to find you in my dreams.”

🎆🎇🎉🎊💞🥰💞🎇🎊🎇🎆🎆🥰💖💖🎆💞🎉🎉🎊✨💖🥰🎆🎆💞💖🎉💖🎊✨💞🎉🎊

...Heck. I’m doomed.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

This post is soliciting advice! What is your favorite picnic food/recipe?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Y'all are AMAZING picnic packers!!!! Bard Mans made me his shmancy butternut curry recipe last date, so it's my turn to impress. What to pair with gin 'n' tonic 'n' berries and, for dessert, cashew dreamcake?
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Bard Mans deactivated his The Dating App account this morning. Romance in the year 2019.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

Ok marshmallows. Yesterday/today’s date...

☁️☁️☁️💕✨💞💖☁️☁️🤗🥰☁️💖✨💕☁️🤗✨💖🥰💋☁️☁️☁️

My soul feels full and... I think... I’m closing this thread... But first one last update...
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I make a killer picnic. Bard Mans gushed over the chicken caprese kebabs y’all suggested. He loved the mushroom pastries (made with his fav cheese). He even liked my raw blueberry cashew cake! He was very impressed and smitten and not afraid to show it.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

The true test though?

1-on-1 #DnD with a @DndDuet module was SUCH FUN!

Bard Mans thought I improvise really well as a DM and have masterful pacing.

I thought he was a thoughtful RPer equally skilled at improv.

#DungeonsAndDragons compatibility is real.
. #LysaDoesOnlineDating

I know he reads these tweets. I don't mind him knowing...

I'm completely smitten but, for the first time, secure enough that I'm closing this thread. For now? Forever? Thanks for being on this journey with me.

Dustin, I look forward to dinner tomorrow.
You can follow @lysapenrose.
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