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I found my What-if. I found him.
remember the ENTP i've recently been tweeting about? so i kinda had a crush on him as well but ignored those feelings because i wanted to be loyal to my actual crush (the ENFP). so, i told him that awhile ago just to clear the air and turns out he's had feelings for me ever since
although, he's courting this girl but right now, he's saying "this What-if is getting into my head." thing is, i'm transferring schools soon. and he knows it. we promised that nobody (except for our friend who was with us awhile ago) will know about this.
so, i guess now that we're both aware of our feelings towards each other, we're nothing more than each other's what-if. i said that since we met at the wrong time, we can only go as far as envisioning a parallel universe.
just awhile ago, he was like using occam's razor and newton's flaming laser sword as frameworks to tell me that parallel universes cannot be proven. so, the only universe we have is now. and he tells me he's sad that it has to be in a place where Fate is toying with us.
lots of people don't like him because he has a snappy, brutally honest not-having-any-bullshit attitude but last night, we spent about two hours just talking. he's so complicatedly kind, i can't believe it. few people will ever see that side and i'm happy to have been one of them
THIS. HURTS. he even gave me his cards last night (like he's so proud of his collection) just so he would have an excuse to even at least see me today
i can't get him out of my mind. damn it. he's so weird and chaotic. crazy and brilliant nonetheless — it takes me by surprise. at first, i was taken aback by how blunt he was but then again i liked how he never beat around the bush. strangely, i appreciated that.
the first thing he said to me was "Are you high?" and when he read the sonnet i was so proud of, all he could say was "ur oxford commas aren't consistent!" Plus he has a habit of inching closer to a moving car bc he likes playing with death. the chaos. the surprises. i'm drawn in
now, i just want to say screw. his. Ne. screw him too for making it hurt when he says "this could have been the presence i'm familiar with" along with a bunch of other possibilities. screw him when he calls me by my full name. screw this entire thing because we know it cannot be
Screw me too for loving every moment.
They are all I have. These moments and possibilities are shattered glass. I'm a fool for daring to pick up the shards when I know well that they will wound me.
