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JUOGI FOOLISHNESS: #TheMondayBlues
My early agency life was full of ‘supeshio’ kinda folly. My mother called it, disgustingly, JUOGI! Juogi is an ultra thick porridge like foolishness brewed in titanium cauldrons, stirred continuously by the real demons of mischief.
A THREAD.
My early agency life was full of ‘supeshio’ kinda folly. My mother called it, disgustingly, JUOGI! Juogi is an ultra thick porridge like foolishness brewed in titanium cauldrons, stirred continuously by the real demons of mischief.
A THREAD.
To make it very rich and smoothly texturised, they used dandruff from the devil’s head, collected in banned polyethene bags & shaped to look like Royco cubes. That foolishness must be spicy, I guess. Coz that foolishness always itched. Crazy itch. It always led to some trouble.
Anyway early in Agency: A colleague, Nelly, asks me peleka her to get her stuff from her bro’s house. She kept them there, and she needs help to carry them. She promised lunch.
Ala. Si amesema kuna food? Mimi nani. INSIDE!
Nganya onetime, tumedondoka Chaka. Mdogo Kamburu drive.
Ala. Si amesema kuna food? Mimi nani. INSIDE!
Nganya onetime, tumedondoka Chaka. Mdogo Kamburu drive.
We ingia some very nice apartments. ‘Ni pale.’ She points to a shanty town, with 3 very old tiny wooden cubes with metal grill doors, lined up on a rusted perimeter wall inside the court. Lakini mimi najiuliza, mbona madingo wapitie shida ya kuvunja mlango. Si atoe tu misumari?
Kabla ni process, Nelly starts bangings at the door loudly. Anagonga na dabo mpaka hao inatetema. Alafu from out od nowhere starts shouting.
‘FUNGUA. EBU FUNGUA WEWE. NIMEKUJIA.’
A very still small voice from the house whispers, ‘Ohooo, so umezikujia. Si ndio?’ Sauti nyororo.
‘FUNGUA. EBU FUNGUA WEWE. NIMEKUJIA.’
A very still small voice from the house whispers, ‘Ohooo, so umezikujia. Si ndio?’ Sauti nyororo.
I'm about to tell her, ‘Your brother has a sweet voice’, but that voice interrupts me. Akashout na soprano ‘Sawa. Ndiyo hiyo. Chukua!’
MAN! Nikaona kamicrowave kwanza kamerushwa from that house. Hiyoooo, it falls loudly on the ground 2KMS away. 'Kaprakparkaprakap!
IMEVUNJIKA!
MAN! Nikaona kamicrowave kwanza kamerushwa from that house. Hiyoooo, it falls loudly on the ground 2KMS away. 'Kaprakparkaprakap!
IMEVUNJIKA!
MY. MOUTH. IS. WIDE. OPEN!
Najiuliza form huku ni gani tena? Sijapumua 1–2. Pasi ndio hiyo imerushwa, ‘Fiyuuuuuu - pkrakaprakap.’ Crashes on the floor.
Nelly: (Shouting) Wacha kutupa vitu zangu!
Majirani washajipanga kwa balcony wajione movie. Wengine wameshuka.
AKI KAMENUKA!
Najiuliza form huku ni gani tena? Sijapumua 1–2. Pasi ndio hiyo imerushwa, ‘Fiyuuuuuu - pkrakaprakap.’ Crashes on the floor.
Nelly: (Shouting) Wacha kutupa vitu zangu!
Majirani washajipanga kwa balcony wajione movie. Wengine wameshuka.
AKI KAMENUKA!
Caretaker ashatoklezea na fujo.
Me: (To Nelly) Nini mbaya na bronje?
Nelly: Nkt. Kinakuanga hivyo. Ebu kiambie kiache kutupa vitu zangu?
Me: Ai. Ati mimi nikiongeleshe?
She's silently crying, stressed. Ameanza ku-perspirate, veins zake ziki-vasodilate. Ata ana hyperventilate.
Me: (To Nelly) Nini mbaya na bronje?
Nelly: Nkt. Kinakuanga hivyo. Ebu kiambie kiache kutupa vitu zangu?
Me: Ai. Ati mimi nikiongeleshe?
She's silently crying, stressed. Ameanza ku-perspirate, veins zake ziki-vasodilate. Ata ana hyperventilate.
So I man up. I call to the guy.
Me: Oya. Niaje kizee. Ebu uma vako kiasi tubonge.
Sijaona sura yake bado. Soprano tu ndio inatesa. He asks ‘Na wewe ka nani?’
Before I answer, Nelly amewika ‘MY BOYFRIEND!’
Kai. I just heard a loud gasp from the guys watching. Wananionea huruma.
Me: Oya. Niaje kizee. Ebu uma vako kiasi tubonge.
Sijaona sura yake bado. Soprano tu ndio inatesa. He asks ‘Na wewe ka nani?’
Before I answer, Nelly amewika ‘MY BOYFRIEND!’
Kai. I just heard a loud gasp from the guys watching. Wananionea huruma.
Msee kwa balcony akasema, ‘Hapa, kuna matanga ni leo.’
I'm shook. I ask her, 'Shuwali, what is going on here, jaber yawa?'
Before I finish asking, boys ametoka nje na wall ya mbao. Like he took down one of the walls and how he is now outside, staring down at me.
Me: Hae pls?
I'm shook. I ask her, 'Shuwali, what is going on here, jaber yawa?'
Before I finish asking, boys ametoka nje na wall ya mbao. Like he took down one of the walls and how he is now outside, staring down at me.
Me: Hae pls?
Let me tell you. That guy was BIG. BONGE LA JITU. Weida watatu. Three-In-One. Amedunga a yellow spaghetti top with white stripes.
Him: Ati boyfriend. (Clenched his fists).
Me: (Shaking my head slowly, interceding with prayers of penitence).
Him: Ati boyfriend? Nelly umeniwacha?
Him: Ati boyfriend. (Clenched his fists).
Me: (Shaking my head slowly, interceding with prayers of penitence).
Him: Ati boyfriend? Nelly umeniwacha?
Caretaker runs to help. Amebeba tape-measure na kamba.
CT: Hapa kwa ploti kukiwa shida, nataka tukae chini, tuongee kama watu wazima ndio...
Ajamaliza, Weida ashamwekelea kibare ya mwaka, PWAAAAA, amenguka akajifunga funga na hiyo kamba yake huko chini.
Nelly huyooooo kijiko.
CT: Hapa kwa ploti kukiwa shida, nataka tukae chini, tuongee kama watu wazima ndio...
Ajamaliza, Weida ashamwekelea kibare ya mwaka, PWAAAAA, amenguka akajifunga funga na hiyo kamba yake huko chini.
Nelly huyooooo kijiko.
Mama mwingine mswahili Bi Mswafari hivi kwa balcony yeye ashasema, ‘Haiyaaaa, nishike kiuno sasa tucheze ngoma.’
Nikaanza kulia ndio aniskilie woishe.
Soprano: So, wewe ndio umechanganya Nelly mpaka anakuona umetosha kuwa boyfriend? Ati sasa wewe ndio unataka ku-push na yeye?
Nikaanza kulia ndio aniskilie woishe.
Soprano: So, wewe ndio umechanganya Nelly mpaka anakuona umetosha kuwa boyfriend? Ati sasa wewe ndio unataka ku-push na yeye?
Me: Zii buda. She's my colleague tuko sector na yeye. She asked me to bring her to her brother’s. Mimi mambo ya maskeli sitaki. Ata sijawahi taka. Ata ona hizi ID zangu.’
Nimenyenyeke yangu yote.
I show him my ‘I Choose Life’ na ATM (Abstain Till Marriage) card K-Krew gave me.
Nimenyenyeke yangu yote.
I show him my ‘I Choose Life’ na ATM (Abstain Till Marriage) card K-Krew gave me.
Akatulia kiasi.
Him: Iza jo. Kuja ndani tubonge.
Me: I'm ok standing outside here.
Him: Nimesema ingia ama nikuingize.
Me: (What is it again? I just want to go.
) Nipitie mlango ama ukuta.
Him: Kama hii ukuta ni yako sawa. If not ingia na mlango.
Meanwhile he uses the wall.
Him: Iza jo. Kuja ndani tubonge.
Me: I'm ok standing outside here.
Him: Nimesema ingia ama nikuingize.
Me: (What is it again? I just want to go.
) Nipitie mlango ama ukuta.Him: Kama hii ukuta ni yako sawa. If not ingia na mlango.
Meanwhile he uses the wall.
I go in. Chai kwenye mkate. He tells me he's a bouncer at a Club on Kimathi Street. Akaniomba advice. We write Nelly a goodbye letter. Then he gave me her stuff to take to her. I tell him ‘wacha achukue kwa caretaker.’ He hugs me.
Nikitoka, caretaker bado anang'ang'ana na kamba.
Nikitoka, caretaker bado anang'ang'ana na kamba.
I get to the office, Nelly looks like she's seen ghost. She not even bought lunch. Ananiuliza ni aje, namshow nimemaliza ule msee ata nagoja karao wanikujie.
A lady asked me to help her get stuff from their ex-boyfriend's house. Sadly I said 'No!' Because Juogi is bad.
THE END.
A lady asked me to help her get stuff from their ex-boyfriend's house. Sadly I said 'No!' Because Juogi is bad.
THE END.
