Understanding Coercive Control
Part 3 : Challenging Myths.
#UnderstandingCoerciveControl
#coercivecontrol

“ It’s just emotional abuse.”
“ There’s no physical abuse, *only* emotional”

I hear this all the time. I mean, literally, ALL the time and will usually challenge when I hear this, but not always. It very much depends on the person, the circumstances and the likely outcome.

On one occasion, I did not challenge because I knew it would be seen as subordination. This was someone who worked with survivors of abuse and I felt intimidated. On another, I was in a bad mood, couldn’t trust myself to say it without biting her head off, so I stayed quiet.

Challenging belief systems is a challenge. Challenging the belief systems of a bully, is an even bigger challenge. Changing attitudes and increasing understanding is going to take time but, for some, their thinking has become so ingrained, nothing will change it.

This has been my experience of raising awareness of #coercivecontrol. It’s been quite difficult to get across that it’s not a tick list of behaviours. That it’s a PATTERN of behaviour and not a series of incidents.

That not ALL coercive control is illegal and that, even IF in a relationship, not all of it will reach the threshold for it to be criminal.
This is why it’s crucially important to fully understand the bespoke nature of coercive control and how it impacts the victim.

It’s important because abusers will try to reframe the abuse. They will try and turn the tables to deflect away from THEM and make it look like THEY are the victim.
This is why it’s important to fully understand, to be able to unpick WHO is the REAL victim.

Sometimes, the abuse is mutual. Sometimes it’s reciprocal.
But not always.
Although it can often look like both sides are *as bad*, it’s important to understand abuse sufficiently, to be able to differentiate and not simply default to dismissing abuse as ‘tit for tat’

Abusers will ALWAYS claim they are either:
* The victim
* The abuse is mutual
To lessen THEIR part.
When perpetrator tactics are not properly understood, the true victim is being failed by an inability to recognise how an abuser games the system and how that system enables it.

Another myth is that #coercivecontrol is about couples arguing. That it’s about being a *control freak*, about someone being stuck in their ways, or bossy or insistent or overbearing.

Often it’s seen as *minor* and, in many cases, at the lower end of the spectrum, it is.

BUT where #coercivecontrol becomes dangerous is on HOW it impacts the victim and HOW FAR the abuser decides to take it.

And THIS is why it’s important to understand the bespoke nature of #coercivecontrol.
The information the abuser has that can fell a victim.

Because not all behaviours on a tick list will meet the threshold that defines #coercivecontrol as harmful and that threshold will vary from person to person, so it’s time to stop defining abuse as *one size fits all* when it’s specifically geared to a person the abuser targets.