Thread by @thisstuartlaws, At a cafe, empty tables everywhere, a woman moved all the dirty [...]

At a cafe, empty tables everywhere, a woman moved all the dirty plates and cups from her table to another, that another woman is sat at. I'm absolutely buzzing about where this is headed.

15 table cafe
Occupied tables: 3
Empty tables: 12

Clean woman has started moving all the dirty plates back from whence they came. Dirty plate woman has broken the silence.
"What are you doing?"

"You put these on my table without asking so I'm moving them back"
"I didn't want them on my table"
CHECKMATE

"Well, I didn't want them on my table and you just put them there without asking"
"Well put them on another table if you don't want them on yours"
"No, I'm putting them here"
Sidenote: there's a book group meeting due to start here at 3pm
Sidebar: staff pretending not to notice

Dirty plates woman started moving dirty plates back to the clean woman's table, whilst clean woman was finishing moving dirty plates from whence they came. Neither are talking now, or looking at each other. Unbelievable scenes.

Oh shit, clean woman just looked at me for help

Dirty plates woman just dropped a mug on the floor and then raced back to her table and opened a book

Staff member has reluctantly walked over at the sound of the mug and now clean woman is trying to explain the situation but dirty plates woman is now engrossed in her book and the staff member seems confused

Clean woman asked dirty plates woman to explain the situation but DPW just turned round and acted confused by what was happening. CW looked at me and said that I would have seen it all. DPW also stared at me and I felt genuinely sick as I nodded my head in support of CW

DPW: "I'm just trying to have a quiet tea, I don't need all this bother please"
Staff member seems even more confused, starts collecting the dirty plates and cups, CW looks gutted. More customers in cafe now, I think this is the drama over.

THEY'VE BOTH WALKED OVER TO THE BOOK GROUP

It's the first meeting of the book group and they are all introducing themselves to each other and the head of the group asked "does anyone, aside from me and Patrick, know each other?"
DPW does a slow sweep of the group with her eyes and shakes her head, CPW staring at her

CPW said that she does know someone, points at DPW and says:
"I met this woman about 20 minutes ago when she moved all of the dirty plates off of her table and onto mine, without asking"
Patrick did a little laugh and the Head of Book Group (HoBG) looked very confused

HoBG: "Shall we get started?"
They did some intros and brief chat admin. There's 7 people in total. The book is: Nine Perfect Strangers
I wish there were two more people in their group, CPW can't take her eyes off of DPW and DPW is being really charming, especially to Patrick

Nothing much happening in the book group at the moment beyond book analysis, rest of cafe pretty empty. I realised that if you count me and the staff member that makes 9 perfect strangers but HoBG knows Patrick and there's another staff member so it doesn't work.

IT DOES WORK. 9 perfect strangers and 2 friends.

Shots fired!!! CPW got herself a tea and a slice of cake, drank and ate it all and then put them empties down on top of DPW's book.

oh fuck, this is mad, fuck me

DPW calmly excused herself to go to the toilet, came back with water, put it down on table and knocked it over CPW's book, then quickly apologised and sat down, offering no help

Others in the group helped clean up water, no one really seems to understand that their book group has a broiling subplot going on. Patrick especially.

HoBG asked for suggestions of future books to read...
CPW: The Psychopath Test?
HoBG: That's a good book, anyone else read it?
One of the supporting cast of the book group has, brief discussion about Jon Ronson, DPW joining in, saying it sounds like a good book

Official Book Group is over but it's now unofficial socialising time, two people made a quick getaway, the rest are just chatting. CPW looks lost, desperately trying to think of a way to get revenge?

Imagine this was all viral marketing for Nine Perfect Strangers
"woah, this blew up, while you're here, check out my book Nine Perfect Strangers, available from all good the internet"

It's just Patrick, DPW & CPW left now. At this stage I've realised CPW should be CTW but I can't change that now

Staff member came over to clear away dirty cups. CPW says not to worry, staff member looks confused.
CPW points at DPW: "She's going to do it"
Staff member looks confused and keeps clearing them away

DPW just pretended to be confused and looked at Patrick with a "what's that about?" look. Patrick laughed, I still don't think he knows he just attended a book group

Ok, I think this is the end, and it's disappointing so I'll do a fake ending first, then the real one...

Someone requested a little more detail on the protagonist and antagonist (it's up to you to decide which is which I guess). DPW in her late 50s maybe, CPW maybe 40s? Patrick in his 60s. HoBG: 60s. Staff members: teens/early 20s. Me: 30s.

CPW starts crying, staff member asks what's wrong:
"My husband left me for a dirty plate"
DPW and Patrick start making out, HoBG returns, sees what's happening and yells:
"Let's do this, Leeeeeerooyyyyyyyy Jennnnnnnkinnnnnnsssssss"

Real ending:
DPW says she has to leave, Patrick laughs and I'm not sure why, shakes her hand. DPW does a Patrice Evra style ignoring of CPW, goes and pays her bill, talks to Staff Member for a bit, laughs about something and then leaves.
CPW looks absolutely devastated.

I'm exhausted

OH GOD

CPW went up to pay for her tea and cake and it had already been paid for

Some admin:
I'll try to go back next week, it'll be Monday 22nd April, around 3pm (BST).

Nobody:

Me:
Also, I know that it's not mentioned anywhere, or even suggested at in any of the original tweets but before I retcon it into the movie: one of characters is LGBTQ+

In 2009 my mum asked me what my ten year plan was. I told her it’s to return to a cafe every Monday, in the hope that it provides the internet a narratively satisfying development in the dirty plates war. I never knew what I meant by that until today.

IT’S CLOSED
As predicted, Easter has had its way with opening hours. Very unsatisfactory. I’ll come back this week to get book group details and update.
I’m sorry there wasn’t a crazy twist like:
DPW is here, she’s got a pet cobra
CPW BROUGHT HER MONGOOSE
Patrick giggles

Put May 13th at 3pm (BST) in your diaries, I'm the newest member of a book club and I got some reading to do

1 week to go, things I’m hoping for:
To have read enough of this book to contribute

Also:
Talk to CPW
Not say DPW/CPW out loud
Casually say “it’s like airing your dirty plates in public”
Someone pays for my cake
Not be exposed as leader of the Dirty-Plates-Book-Group Cult
Give an entertaining report of a probably very dull book group meeting
Make Patrick giggle

I’m going in. As per a suggestion I’ll be assuming an alias: Carl Peter-Walkers. Am wearing a shirt because that felt respectful. Have opened the book to page I’ve read up to (ten).
Am scared.

Snuck to toilet to update. Headline is there’s no CPW this week and when I asked this question:
“Is there anyone who normally comes who hasn’t this time?”
HoBG glared at me for asking such a stupid question. Like that time I asked a teacher if they’d ever been divorced.

I’m mainly letting them all talk, but have uttered this phrase twice: “it’s beautiful prose, really leaps off the page”. Patrick nodded like he really understood me. Attached are notes I’ve made, sorry for scribbles.

“What does DPW mean?” DPW (13/05/2019)

Just me, Patrick and Anne (cheery, big contributor, announced herself as friend of CPW (didn’t say CPW, used real name like a friend would, her story checks out) and said she was away this month but would be back in June) remain. Small talk but I’m pretty stressed.

I wish I could say I responded to DPW with a pithy quip or cool lie but I made a weird squeak of panic, Patrick giggled at that and distracted everyone momentarily. DPW asked again why I wrote DPW & I said I’m new to book analysis so just making notes of good things people said.

“But what does DPW mean?”
“It’s an acronym”
“I didn’t think DPW was a word, who would think that’s a word?”
I shook my head & looked at everyone, they’re waiting for an answer.
“Welsh people maybe?”
DPW didn’t like, Patrick did. She stares at me.
“Direct...prose...welcome”

DIRECT PROSE WELCOME?
No
That’s not a phrase. But I said it, then explained it...
“I think the book is pretty forthright in terms of character, with Marianne, and with the articulation of events & plot, this direct prose is a welcome change to the norms of the genre”
Woah

DPW looks unimpressed at my explanation of DPW & she’s absolutely in the right so I’m #TeamDPW here. She wanted a specific example so I read out an excerpt from page 2. It prompted a discussion about the directness of the prose.
I guess that’s how...
*puts on

*
...you book club

I didn't get to say "airing your dirty plates in public", next time hopefully.
I got to chat to Anne & Patrick, they were nice.
I asked them about DPW, they both liked her but also said "very serious though" at the same time, then they looked at each other and giggled.

Next book club: June 10th
CPW should be there. When everyone was leaving I said "see you next time" to DPW and she smiled at me. Also, to placate her we all chose a thriller to read next, so if you want to join in, read this book:
They All Fall Down by Rachel Howzell Hall

It’s today, I’m very nervous & feeling worse because my copy of the book got delivered to a “neighbour” but I live in a flat & after knocking on 5 neighbours’ doors & seeing perplexed reactions to me asking “do you have my book?” I gave up.
I’ve read synopsis & reviews.

Sat outside, I’ve taken the sleeve off another book I own and will pretend it’s They All Fall Down by @RachelHowzell.

Must remember my code name is Carl Peter-Walkers
Will write notes down as I go and sneak to toilet to update
Oh my word DPW scares me
Will sit next to Patrick

Sat outside, I’ve taken the sleeve off another book I own and will pretend it’s They All Fall Down by @RachelHowzell. Must remember my code name is Carl Peter-WalkersWill write notes down as I go and sneak to toilet to updateOh my word DPW scares meWill sit next to Patrick

Highlights:
CPW & DPW here
My boy Patrick on the giggles early doors
Anne mentioned how “direct” the writing was

Lowlights:
HoBG saying “Carl likes to go to the toilet a lot, maybe he’s got a small bladder”
DPW saying “why are you taking the book to the loo? they have loo roll”

The mood between CPW & DPW is muted, feels like a low heat tension. But I might be reading too much into that. DPW asked my name again at the start, like she was trying to trick me. Anne so nice and positive.
There’s a coconut and raspberry slice here that goes well with tea

“Oh dear, got raspberry compote, or jam, not sure what it is, all over my hands, I’ll just go wash them”
“Oh I’ve got some wipes if you want” Anne says, DPW stares at me
“Oh, thanks but that’s ok, nothing better than warm water and soap”
Patrick agreed, he loves washing his hands

Getting tea (for all, as an apology for saying “whence” twice). Sorry to Rachel that she’s tagged in these tweets.
BIG NEWS:
It’s now a 2 hours session apparently
DPW moved to sit next to me when I was in loo, no more writing notes
It genuinely feels weird, the vibe of the group

Shut

Was trying to find my wallet in my bag, got some stuff out and put it on the table. Went up to pay & do an update, when I looked back DPW was perusing my stuff. In amongst a notebook, receipts & a Freddo the Frog choc was post I hadn't opened. Addressed to me. Not my alias Carl.

"Whose are these?"
"Huh?"
"Why have you got letters for a Stuart Laws?"
"Sorry?"
"Your name's Carl?"
"Yep"
"So, why do you have letters for someone else?"
"It's my friend"
"And you have his letters?"
"Sorry, what's going on? I thought this was a book group not a mystery gang!"

HoBG tried to move everything along but CPW joined in, she said it's a bit weird that I had someone else's post. That got me, expected it from DPW but CPW??? In a panic I said it was my ex & I'd rather not talk about it.
So, to try and diffuse situation I now used to date myself.

Was putting stuff back in my bag when DPW picked up my book, which was not the correct book but Classic Scrapes by James Acaster (which, for meta-value, I feature in briefly) without the dust jacket. I grabbed it back off her but she saw the spine and asked why I had that book.

I then had to admit that I didn't read They All Fall Down because it got delivered to a neighbour and blah blah so I tried to fake it. Patrick looked at me with such disappointment that I wanted to curl up and disappear. Deb asked why I said the book was vibrant and sprawling.

"This is why we shouldn't have young people at this"
Until then Deb hadn't really relevant but I liked being referred to as a young people so she gets in. HoBG said that maybe this wasn't for me, Patrick nodded

"Why did you even join in the first place?"
DPW stared at me

At this moment I absolutely wished someone had just run in to the cafe, screaming "Leroy Jenkins!" because having nine perfect strangers lock eyes on me for an answer to an innocuous question that only had suspicious answers was stomach-churning.

I looked down at my hands, obviously sweating profusely but also still with raspberry on because I hadn't washed my hands when I said I was, because I was updating this thread. So I started nervously rubbing the compote like I was Lady Macbeth. Out damn...
"I just like books"

The last three tweets had a real life timing (RLT) of about 5 seconds, felt like 5 hours

Saying I liked books was a bland enough answer for most but obviously not for DPW. I wish I'd mentioned this earlier on because it became relevant but CPW had the book on a tablet, during the session she would reference it, seemed normal, not worth mentioning. Wrong.

"Who was it who suggested we set up a Facebook group last month?"
Anne puts up her hand, thought that was sweet.
"And who said it was a bad idea?"
Silence, I look around. Out, damn compote, out, I say.
"It was you Stuart, you said social media was a waste of time"

DPW looked over at CPW who turned her tablet round. This was on the screen...

"My ex!" I tried
it
did
not
work
"Looks like me" I sighed
they
all
knew
that
"Yeah, that's me"

Now, in the hubbub of DPW going through my stuff earlier I didn't pay for all the tea, so a staff member came over to ask us to finish up and for me to pay as they wanted to close the cafe. I thought it a great excuse to leave and get away from this menacing gang.

Last 5 tweets RLT: 30 seconds
This tweet RLT: 5 minutes
I didn't get to leave.
DPW got told about a Twitter thread last month so when I joined the book group: she knew who I was. SHE KNEW.
She told CPW.
Two women, both alike in outrage, decided to out me to the rest of the group.

I apologised, I said I didn't know it was going to go viral and I deliberately didn't use their real names or location so it wasn't intrusive. CPW agreed it was good I didn't use real names, including Patrick's.
Patrick googled. The thread. He couldn't work it out so I helped.

Patrick was now reading the thread with Anne and HoBG, CPW and DPW were muttering about something and smiling, the others are trying to read the thread too, the staff look livid that we're still there.
"But what about the plates? Why did you do it?"

"It was the closest table"
"It was the closest table?"
"It was the closest table"
"But you kept on doing it, and then spilling the water and pretending you didn't do anything"
"Yes, it was all rather petty"
"Especially when you see it written down" CPW

DPW & CPW looked properly pleased with what they had done as everyone gathered their things. I started to pick up my bag, wallet and dignity and stood up as DPW said "Direct Prose Welcome, for your next tweets".
She fucking loved that, she loved it.
I went and washed my hands.

Staff member had already cashed up, was waiting for me by the door to lock up.
"I need to pay"
"Nope, you need to go"
"For the tea"
"It's all been paid for"
"What?"
"Yeah, one of them lot paid"
"Which one?"
"The one with short hair"
"They both have short hair"
"Please leave"

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