I think I’m developing more dysphoria

As I look at cis guys more, I’m realizing how much of me is super feminine (like my cheeks, my voice (even when I lower it), and my height), and I hate it. All of it.

I’m too round even though I’m skinny, the way I style my hair makes me look like a lesbian, etc. I’m too much of a physically female 16-year-old to pass as an 8-10-year-old boy, and I want to cry

I want to go get surgery, start testosterone, and completely redo my entire room and wardrobe right now. I want to change my legal name and gender marker right now. I want to become male right now. But because I might never get there, I feel like moving to a deserted island, or +

living off the land in the middle of nowhere. I want to just separate myself from everyone and everything, so that I might somehow be able to escape from my own brain and the eyes of everyone around me who only see a girl. I don’t want to die right now, but I did last night.

And because of that, I’ve been binding for 23 hours.

I decided to say this on Twitter because I need to share this with more than just Hayley. I need everyone who cares to see what I’m going through, and I can’t tell them directly

The only other time I’ve felt like this was on the night I came out, when I was curled into a ball and trying not to breathe to prevent my arms from touching my chest

That was January 14th of this year. If you can find my tweets from that night, you’ll see how much pain I was in. I felt like dying, and if I could’ve uncurled, and no one else was home, I might have taken a knife to my skin. I’m scared. That feeling came again last night.

I had to go let my dog outside, but I knew that I couldn’t trust myself to go near the kitchen alone. My parents weren’t home and my brother probably wasn’t even awake, so I called Hayley. I know I would’ve probably cut myself for the first time if I hadn’t, and I’m scared that +

it might happen again when no one will be able to help me. I don’t know when it’ll be, but I know that my last resort would be to take my phone, charger, and earbuds, and run. I’ll run as far as I can, and as long as I can, and I’ll keep going until my feet hurt. Even if it’s +

the middle of the night, I’ll run. I don’t want to cut myself. I’m scared