I decided to dig a bit deeper and see if any far-right conspiracy theorists had picked up on the Unification Church, philosophers of science and the International Conference of the Unity of the Sciences (ICUS).

Oh boy, do I have a treat for all of you!

Have any of you ever heard of Lyndon LaRouche? If you ever want to go down that rabbit hole, you are in for a treat, I promise you that. Well, LaRouche's followers are still at it, and they've been publishing a journal: the Executive Intelligence Review (EIR), since 1974.

I promise you that if you work in philosophy, you will love every moment of this: the cover story of EIR Vol. 29 No. 49, Dec 2002 is 'Behind Reverend Moon's Gnostic Sex Cult'.

Note the highlighted portion. We'll get this in a second, because first we need to lay the groundwork.

Laurence Hecht thinks *deep breath* the Moonies own 'the religious right from Jerry Falwell to Gary Bauer', 'most of the independent black ministers', the Nation of Islam, and since 9/11 'is making inroads into mosques across America'.

[ Drew Scanlon blinks in confusion]

We're not at the best part yet, though. Not by far.

Hecht believes *deeper breath* the Moonies run 'the central control points of world academic opinion ... to promote population control, artificial intelligence, and world federalism'.

[Brittney Spears gives a look of befuddlement]

No, wait. It gets weirder.

Hecht wants to make it very clear to the reader that, ahem... Moon isn't 'a creation of Jewish bankers'.

No, it's worse! 'But who can be worse than being the "creation of Jewish bankers"', you say!

Well, did you know the Moonies were created by a secret British intelligence operation in the early part of the 20th century by Bertrand Russell and H.G. Wells?

Historians of philosophy, where are you on this?!

So how did this all go down? Get ready for some very odd history of 20th-century philosophy, everyone!

Okay. *DEEP breath*

In 1935 Russell, Dewey, Albert Wohlstetter, Sidney Hook and Ernest Nagel, along with the members of the Vienna Circle, combined to create the Unity of the Sciences movement (UoS).

In the 1950s UoS & R.M. Hutchins took over science teaching in the U.S.

[Jennifer Lopez mouths the word 'WHAT?']

'Bertrand Russell, his chief partner is evil'.

You hear that, historians of philosophy?! You hear that?! Mild-mannered Bertrand Russell is secretly one half of a duo that rained down pure evil on the 20th century!!!!

KARL MARX WAS A BRITISH AGENT UNDER THE DIRECT CONTROL OF THE HEAD OF THE FOREIGN OFFICE, LORD PALMERSON!

JOHN WILKES BOOTH WAS A BRITISH AGENT!

Get ready to have your mind BLOWN, Aristotle, Hume and Kant scholars!

*BOOM!*

Take *THAT*, Russell and Mach scholars!

*BREATHING HEAVILY*

...

NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!

HOW ABOUT...

HOW ABOUT ...........

HALFORD MACKINDER, THE HEAD OF THE LONDON SCHOOL OF ECONOMICS, WAS HITLER'S GHOSTWRITER FOR MEIN KAMPF!

[LeBron James looks up in absolute befuddlement at the above tweet in which it is asserted that Halford Mackinder, the head of the LSE, ghostwrote Mein Kampf]

[NOTE: I am taking a break right now. I just... I need a breather after that. Because IT GETS WEIRDER.]

Okay, I'm back! Let's continue with a long digression into the Rev Francis Buchman, who was (as should need reminding, Marx and John Wilkes Booth) apparently *ALSO* a British agent.

Buchman is linked to the YMCA, which, by the way, is LINKED TO THE ASSASSINATION OF PRESIDENT JAMES GARFIELD!

Buchman starts developing mind control techniques in China, yadda yadda yadda

Fun fact: did you know the founders of Alcoholics Anonymous met through the Oxford Group (now known as Initiatives for Change)?

Another fun fact: H.G. Welles did write The Open Conspiracy. Russell said he read it 'with the most complete sympathy'. You can read some passages from The Open Conspiracy here: http://www.panarchy.org/wells/conspiracy.1933.html

Classic LaRouche Movement rant time! If you had 'The goal of this conspiracy is to destroy the sovereign power of the nation-state, especially the United States, and wipe out all traditions through surreptitious means' on your card you have to drink!

Um... there's a lot to unpack here, like the 'secret' that 'ideas, philosophy and culture, control history'. Hegel scholars, you've been found out!

There's the 'their definition of a human being... was a two-legged ape that babbles'.

And the rest of this paragraph. Oh boy.

There are a few pages of digressions and then suddenly--we're with the Nazis!

This footnote. This footnote is something.

And the footnote keeps going!

There are some more digressions into other bilge. It's difficult to keep track what's happening to whom. But eventually, we get to the Moonies by way of...

... the Tavistock Institute?

Okay... now we're on to the CIA, Scientology and 'voodoo magic'? Where did H.G. Welles and Bertrand Russell go?

Oh, Russell's back! And he's playing a guiding role in the anti-Vietnam War movement!

The 'Russell-Well "No-Soul Gang"'.

So... Yakuza drug money is the source of the money sent by Moon's members to the United States, which he gives to American ministers and Congressmen to buy influence?

But wait! There's more!

THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT *ALSO* ASSASSINATED PRESIDENT WILLIAM MCKINLEY!

YES! We're finally there! György Lukács and the Frankfurt School! All you Continental philosophers out there, it's time for you to take a shot!

Aldous Huxley fans, take a shot! Frankfurt School scholars, you too! (Adorno scholars, shot then follow it with a chaser.)

All you American Analytic philosophers better be buckled in, because it's your turn next...

QUINE SCHOLARS DRINK!

QUINE IS A RUSSELLITE!

EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS WRONG!

Thomas Huxley, Charles Darwin, Niels Bohr, Max Delbruck, Leo Szilard, James D. Watson, John Dewey, University of Chicago High School!

WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE!

... what?

Historians of philosophy and mathematicians, it's time to drink UP!

Gödel, Leibniz, Plato, the Eleatic school, Gauss, Riemann!

DRINK!

Any neo-Aristotelians out there? It's your turn. Tip back a glass in honour of LaRouche.

Anyone working on Mach? You're up next!

PHILOSOPHERS OF SCIENCE AND AMERICAN PRAGMATISTS, IT IS YOUR TIME TO SHINE!

Ernest Nagel, Sidney Hook, John Dewey, Rudolf Carnap, Hans Reichenbach, and Otto Neurath!

Anybody get bingo? I got bingo on that one.

MWAHAHAHA!

I bet you didn't see it coming, did you?! Did you?!?!

Everything was leading up to this: Thomas Kuhn's The Structure of Scientific Revolutions. That's what is taking over the classrooms, first in the United States, then the world.

Kuhn's Structure. That's it.

[George Michael Bluth lies down upon learning that the LaRoush big reveal is that Kuhn's Structure of Scientific Revolutions is destroying American education.]

I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I did.

[Willem Dafoe raises a mug of wine and smiles.]

If you want to read 'H.G. Wells and Bertrand Russell: The ‘No-Soul’ Gang Behind Reverend Moon’s Gnostic Sex Cult' for yourself, click here: https://larouchepub.com/eiw/public/2002/eirv29n49-20021220/index.html

And what about the author of this masterpiece of journalism?

*Freeze frame*

In 1990, the author of the piece, Laurence Hecht, tried to steal $261,039.75 from a man diagnosed with 'degenerative dementia'.