CW: anxiety.

I was in a horrible place a few months back. Anxiety is a bitch and some nights I feel like I'm about to crawl out of my skin and I can't get past it and who would understand? So I thought I'd share some of the things that I do to combat it, for me personally.

Just want to make this very clear that I'm not telling anyone what to do, I just thought I'd share some things. And since I'm having one of those nights, it'll help me.

The first has been to acknowledge that I'm dealing with horrible anxiety. Which does or doesn't help.

I don't know that I've been able to communicate to my therapist (that I realize I haven't seen in like two months) of how bad it gets, how sometimes I can't breathe or it all feels like it's too much. I seem to be an extrovert except in being authentic about my feels.

I can see colors and shapes if I put the phone up so close to my face that I'm practically making out with the screen. I also love nature stuff, so when things are super bad, this is one of my go-tos. I subscribed to the whole channel.

Good fireplace videos are so hard to find! Either they are too quiet, or the fire crackles so much that I'm physically dodging imaginary embers and trying to subvert a smores disaster. I present to you one of my favorites.

I kid you not, I have spent hours going through videos to find the perfect sounds that strike the right balance and I wish I could tell you how to do it but it's trial and error. And hopefully no ruined smores.

Then we have Dan Gibson, a prolific sound recorder (of the nature variety, not the 2nd grade first instrument variety), whom I affectionately have dubbed 'Dan Gibby and the Sols' for his Solitudes series.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiZL-sbTfbiaRaz_deob59W9V_QdNFYE9

So, late last year, I was introduced to Two steps from Hell and the concept of Epic music. When things feel dire and awful, I listen to this and it frankly makes me feel like a badass. Also great to write to, even if I'm journaling.

I also love this one because I hear it and just imagine a battlefield and writing this as an opening of how the winning team is about to win all the things, which anxiety makes me feel like none of that is possible.

Brain: You suck and everything about you sucks and it'll never get better and you deserve to feel this way.
Me: Okay fine but Brain, are you aware of the R&B version of Duck tales and other 90's cartoons? https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEzsuLYKNT8tXe5-kCL07_zrtFB84Yahe

My new thing has been to find something that may seem silly and make it fun. The repetitive motions of making the fireworks go off is totally my thing and I find it very soothing. Works best with voiceover off.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/fireworks-tap/id938939446?mt=8

So then I got bored and wanted to find more fireworks apps. Hey, you can choose the background and the fireworks. You can make spirals! You can just watch your own fireworks show! Take that, brain!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/fireworks/id1440700026?mt=8

When I felt super upset the other night, I downloaded this app which is an aquarium simulator. I'll have you know that Horace, Ara, Tanzi, and Jimmy are doing well in their forever home!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/mobile-aquarium/id327755335?mt=8

This app is the sound generator of all generators. Works with Voiceover and you can tailor how much of what sounds you want. I love the hell out of it!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/mynoise/id813099896?mt=8

I discovered their games years ago. If you like choosing your own adventure and don't mind that it's text based, give it a try. I recommend Choice of the Cat and Choice of the Robot! 1st few chapters are free

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/choice-of-games/id1363309257?mt=8

The Calm app has so many facets, but I enjoy the nature sounds best, quick meditations b/c anything super long makes me fall asleep and I hear that isn't the purpose, and there are bedtime stories!

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/calm/id571800810?mt=8

Pacifica was one that I discovered when I was so annoyed that so many apps that claimed to have psychologist based tools was inaccessible. It literally has a feature that does deep breathing with you.

https://itunes.apple.com/us/app/pacifica-for-stress-anxiety/id922968861?mt=8

Sometimes all I can do is just breathe. If my brain feels like it is short circuiting and I can't think of tools, then I breathe. If I can remember! It isn't quite second nature yet. Neither is journaling, but I'm trying. And trying not to shame myself.

Reddit has also been a huge game changer for me. From the subreddits about people dealing with suicidal thoughts and anxiety, to the text-gaming sub, to the Internet is Beautiful sub with links to challenge you to draw a perfect circle, I feel like I've found a good place there.

I would be remiss in saying that it can also have an element of people whose singular purpose is to be a frothing fucking cesspool of mouth-breathing troglodyte, so YMMV. I love the Internet is Beautiful forum though!

Finally, I present Fantastic Fiction. Because when scrolling through books in the kindle isn't repetitive enough, getting lost on this site helps so much. Try it! Toss in your favorite author and get sucked in to the black hole of bread crumbs!

https://www.fantasticfiction.com/ 

Also, talking about books or having conversations on here, or of course, talking to a friend. But sometimes the hour is late and I can't get past 'let me find something on my phone' or 'Let me just try to breathe', or 'These fireworks are great.'

This thread got very long. I feel a little better now and I hope that some of the things that I put in here are helpful. Also, I hear you and life is hard sometimes. Hopefully, things get easier for all of us! <3 y'all