Just leaving this here again, because it's so beautiful. https://twitter.com/davidgaider/status/1103817910500253697

I was weirded out by the level that LGBTQ+ romances spoke to me. The feelings I felt when I learned about trans people made me.... angry.

Of course I remember those tall women with beards from the 90's talkshows. Guys who claimed on TV they were women. Which was just fake --

-- mostly, because talkshows always are.

Of course I never considered actual trans people fake. But when I grew up, it was always guys wanting to be girls. Something my mind couldn't understand that time.

Many years later when DAO came out I didn't think much about --

-- the gay romances. I kept playing my RL role of a straight f even in videogames. But at least the girls I played were always beautiful.
I always considered myself bi, but figured that no one would take me seriously without having an relationship with a girl.
I tried to --

-- romance Leliana. But all the talk about shoes and shit triggered me so bad. It made me angry. I thought "No, that's not how girls are!" It reminded me of my role on this planet and I hated it.

Gay romances I considered as "kinky". Because that's what media taught us about --

-- gays. That it's not about love, but f*cking each other's butt. And with Zevran being the only bi guy, my view on it kinda stayed that way.
(Tbh in DAO and partly DA2 sex seemed to be like a trophy anyway. Which is very sad.)

My views began to change when I --

-- began to read fanfic and joined RP on Twitter. I saw actual feelings between two people of the same sex. And I shipped it. It was beautiful. And a part of me could relate to it.

What's more important: I met a friend on here who's a trans guy. Of course he didn't throw --

-- it right into my face. I saw pictured of him, heard his voice and NEVER questioned that he is anything else but a cis male. A while later he told me and I was shocked. Then I realized that I don't get to be shocked. I don't get to feel ANYTHING about it, because he is him! --

-- And nothing ever changed. We still talked and I still felt like he's a brother to me.
But unintentionally he made me question myself and the role of the female media tries to push on us. And I began to question the things I kept doing in order to fit in. Did I really do --

-- them for myself? Or just because I was expected to do them?

Eventually I broke free from these habits. Mentally, first. It was liberating. I didn't have to be the meek little person anymore. And I remembered all the times people told me stuff like "girls shouldn'd --

-- do that" or "that's not for girls" or even "No you're not a girl." The latter was a huge compliment for me.
And I remembered all the times when I wanted to fit in. I wanted to hang out with boys and play videogames without someone suspecting any feelings involved. --

-- I didn't want this life anymore. I didn't want to be judged by the gender I was born with. Because there are hardly any "girl activities" I like.

And less than a week before I got married, I created a new guy account in a new fandom where no one knew me... and --

-- "introduced" me, the writer, as male.
I had many excuses for it. Some where really lame. But the main reason was, I wanted to test of I could pass. If people would see me as a guy when I was just being myself. And it worked.

Meanwhile back in the real world I began to hate --

-- how my looks didn't match with how I felt. Of course I blamed exessive RPing for it. And so I tried to adapt a female role model and look like her. A part of me liked what I saw. Because pretty girls are nice to look at. That's what I think today. But even back then --

-- I felt that the person in the mirror wasn't me anymore. And so I began to change my looks drastically.
My emotions were very raw back then and I was always on edge. It's what eventually led to the depression I suffered from.
The environment I worked in was toxic --

-- and only added to the anger and hate I was feeling. I remember I turned to the worker's council when people in my team kept using the n word and other words as a slur.
I told the guy that this is not a place where a poc, etc. would feel save. And I also talked --

-- about LGBTQ+, especially trans people and how my coworkers behavior might affect them. The guy cut me off with "Yeah but you're not trans." It felt like a slap to my face and I fell silent immediately.
I had two thoughts on my mind for a long time after that: --

-- The first was "Do you really have to be part of the group that is harrassed to stand up for them?" And the second was "Am I?"

I re-evaluated my actions of the past few months. They way I felt and acted. And I found myself struggling to answer this question with a --

-- clear "no".

Inside I already knew. Knew for a very long time. But it would still take a while before I dared to come out to myself.

Oct. 18th 2017 I went to see a doctor and broke down. I said that I could't work there anymore and he was very understanding. --

-- He advised me to focus on finding a new job and gave me sick note after sick note. I didn't go back to work for 3 months. That's when I found a new job, where I am very happy now.

I also went to a psychiatrist. In our first sitting we talked about general things. --

-- About the job I had and about finding a new one and how this will be a great thing.
In our second sitting I wanted to pick up on something she said the last time. It was an attempt to come out as trans. I mentioned the way women are seen and that I don't see myself --

-- fitting in. I mentioned the way I dress and feel and act. And I got mad when she didn't pick up on my hints. And how could she? She can't read minds.
I felt awful when I left. I still had to learn to deal with the pain of not passing as the person you feel as. --

-- I was still new to it all. But when I started the new job I wanted to present me as myself. Wearing my binder and guy's clothes every day. I didn't even "break role" last summer, when wearing a binder and a long sleeved shirt and long pants was torture. No, I dressed --

-- according to my company's dress code for males.

What I never did is introducing myself as male. ...yet. And as much as I'd love to come out at work, I would feel like betraying my spouse. He should be the first one to know, not the last. --

-- 2018 was a new start for me. Almost every day I discovered new things from my past that were proof that I was a guy. Even when I went way back to my early childhood memories.
I wanted to be sure that this is really me before I came out.
Around fall I set myself the --

-- goal to come out before the year is over. I felt I was ready.
But the more I tried to find the right moment to tell the spouse, the more I tensed.
Christmas was awful. We sat together, drank and had a great time. And I thought "No, I can't ruin this moment now". --

-- And I've been thinking so ever since.
The spouse is trying to find a new job, too. And whenever I want to tell him, I also think "No, you can't burden him with that now. He's enough to deal with."
But will there ever be the right time?

Recently I find myself --

-- drifting back into darker places. Where the voices inside my head try to convince me I'm worthless. I'm ruining everything. Even worse: That I don't really feel what I feel.
And by now I am almost convinced that what I thought is me being a guy was just the --

-- numbness of depression. The lack of emotion.

But there is still that other voice that tells me how I went through a full year at my new job, identifying as male and that I /did/ feel emotions and was happy.

At this point I believe the people who say I'm just --

-- "confused". The realizations about my past are obscured most of the time. I don't know what I am anymore. I've been thinking about terms like pan, ace, aro etc. and I don't know where I fit into all this.

If I can say anything for sure it's that people are changing --

-- constantly. No one is obliged to be the same person they were 5 minutes ago.

Life is a journey.
But it's a fucking bumpy ride at times.

By mere chance I come past this thread about one year later. And just like last year I'm struggling. Wondering if I'm doing the right thing. I had a massive throwback yesterday (not really but it felt like one) because of a letter. But let's start at the beginning.

The thread above was written in march 2019. My plan to come out before 2018 was over had failed. I felt awful. Because I put too much pressure on myself. Because I was impatient.
3 months after that, I managed to come out to my husband. I couldn't find the strength to do --

-- so in person. So it kinda seeped through via email, over weeks. I told him I'm sad. Depressed. Not feeling comfortable. Not feeling myself. He was very patient.
I knew I put everything at risk. My marriage. My home. The life I've built. But at some point the pain of going --

-- on like this made this life not worth living anymore.

Truth be told, he was shocked. The day was june 12th. It took a while. We never even considered parting. Not for one second. But it was hard to adjust to the changes.
2 months later I came out to my team at work. --

-- I waited 2 months because I wanted to wait until everyone is back from their summer vacation. My team was and still is very supportive. They instantly started to use the right name and pronouns.
Christmas 2019 I came out to our friends. And to my family. They all --

-- were so happy for me. Or I should say us. Because my husband has been nothing but supportive. Small acts showed that he wanted to make changes in our life to make me feel comfortable. We have our names in magnetic letters on the kitchen hood. It was part of a wedding gift --

-- and we liked it so we kept it. One day he said we need to change my name there too. He also urged me to get rid of the "girl's clothes" and helped me picking a suit for my sister's wedding this year.

I started psychotherapy in sept 2019. 6 months have passed, so I was --

-- hoping to FINALLY start HRT.
The letter I received yesterday? It was my health insurance refusing to cover the costs. Which means I can't start hormones yet, because in our system paying it yourself is not an option.
But long story short, they have no right to deny me --

-- the treatment. Not with my psychologist's diagnose. She (my psychologist) will take care of it and I hope, I will get a positive answer next week. If not, because it takes longer, that's fine too. I'm in no rush. I have to remind myself. I made it this far. --

-- One year back I was so sad and depressed I considered ending the suffering. For good.

They say you shouldn't look back, because that's not where you're going.
But taking a look back every once in a while can help reminding you how far you've come already. --

-- The next step always seems to be the hardest. But remembering how many tough patches you survived gives you the strength to continue.

Never forget where you come from. Hang on, past self. You got this.