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Hey, let's talk about empathy and masculinity for a moment.
I was having a nice conversation with a friend via DM, and she asked "As an empathetic person yourself, do you ever feel burned out by a lack of reciprocal empathy?"
This question really kinda set my mind going.
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I was having a nice conversation with a friend via DM, and she asked "As an empathetic person yourself, do you ever feel burned out by a lack of reciprocal empathy?"
This question really kinda set my mind going.
/1
At very first, my gut response like "OMG YES SO MUCH".
But then I thought about it, and honestly, the burnout is only happening with men.
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But then I thought about it, and honestly, the burnout is only happening with men.
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I have several people that I'd consider close friends. People I can tell just about anything to, across the gender spectrum.
However, in practice, it's hard to actually get to that point of talking about heavier shit, when the friend is a man.
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However, in practice, it's hard to actually get to that point of talking about heavier shit, when the friend is a man.
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Last October, I had the fortune to spend an evening with an evening with a good friend.
It felt like she and I could talk about anything and everything. Truly, it was one of the highlights of last year.
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It felt like she and I could talk about anything and everything. Truly, it was one of the highlights of last year.
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It felt like we were able to share things, talk about things, and know that the other person would express empathy, share in the emotion, and be generally supportive.
It was wonderful.
I don't think I've ever had a time like that with another guy.
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It was wonderful.
I don't think I've ever had a time like that with another guy.
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I also got to have lunch with one of my best friends last Friday.
He and I lived together at one point. Went through Some Shit together.
And yet, like so many of our conversations, it felt hard to dip into the more vulnerable topics.
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He and I lived together at one point. Went through Some Shit together.
And yet, like so many of our conversations, it felt hard to dip into the more vulnerable topics.
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Like, I had Things I Wanted To Share
but I didn't
and it felt awful.
this guy has seen me at my absolute worst -- why can't I open up to him? why does the conversation often feel so shallow?
It feels scary -- bad even -- to share emotions with him.
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but I didn't
and it felt awful.
this guy has seen me at my absolute worst -- why can't I open up to him? why does the conversation often feel so shallow?
It feels scary -- bad even -- to share emotions with him.
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I had lunch with a different friend this week, and he and were able to talk about some more vulnerable stuff, but it felt like it took an hour to get there.
It felt really good to talk about things, but shit I felt weirdly anxious and awful, even though I knew it'd be fine.
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It felt really good to talk about things, but shit I felt weirdly anxious and awful, even though I knew it'd be fine.
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That's not to say that all men are like this, or all conversations are like this.
Frankly, a lot of it lies within me, because it somehow feels less manly.
I am not a Manly Man, but I still feel pressure to be.
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Frankly, a lot of it lies within me, because it somehow feels less manly.
I am not a Manly Man, but I still feel pressure to be.
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I know that there's also a problem where men will often burden their partner for emotional labor, or other women, and I try to be conscious of that.
I actively try not to be a burden. I also listen without trying to solve. I offer validation and support.
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I actively try not to be a burden. I also listen without trying to solve. I offer validation and support.
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Through most of my life, I've been told that I'm more in touch with my feminine side.
Honestly, I think that's how my empathy is being perceived.
I try to listen, I avoid solutioning, and I've even had therapists tell me that society codes that as a femme thing.
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Honestly, I think that's how my empathy is being perceived.
I try to listen, I avoid solutioning, and I've even had therapists tell me that society codes that as a femme thing.
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That SUCKS!
It means that so many people are being raised to think that demonstrations of empathy are feminine, and thanks to patriarchal garbage, that means that men are going to actively suppress empathetic behavior.
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It means that so many people are being raised to think that demonstrations of empathy are feminine, and thanks to patriarchal garbage, that means that men are going to actively suppress empathetic behavior.
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Men are encouraged to share emotion, so long as the emotion is anger.
It's societally acceptable for a man to get angry -- encouraged at times, even. Other emotions are repressed.
We all know this, but I think that it's harming most men and their ability to empathize.
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It's societally acceptable for a man to get angry -- encouraged at times, even. Other emotions are repressed.
We all know this, but I think that it's harming most men and their ability to empathize.
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I am trying to do better with the generation I'm raising.
My two boys regularly ask for hugs, wear their emotions on their sleeve, and I'm always talking to them about how their feelings are all valid and okay.
Empathy is slowly growing there, and it's great.
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My two boys regularly ask for hugs, wear their emotions on their sleeve, and I'm always talking to them about how their feelings are all valid and okay.
Empathy is slowly growing there, and it's great.
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I try to model what I want to see in the world, but it's incredibly hard.
I _still_ feel some shame around it, internally, even though I _know_ this way is truly better.
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I _still_ feel some shame around it, internally, even though I _know_ this way is truly better.
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I am empathetic to a fault, in some ways.
I cry at least a bit every day. Entertainment, news, conversations. I heard someone describe it as a Rainbow of Feels.
I used to try and hide all this, choke it down, but I can't.
I shouldn't.
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I cry at least a bit every day. Entertainment, news, conversations. I heard someone describe it as a Rainbow of Feels.
I used to try and hide all this, choke it down, but I can't.
I shouldn't.
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Neither should men.
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If men could be more empathetic in general, we'd be able to have so many better conversations.
We'd be able to connect in new, deeper ways.
It'd be wonderful.
I've seen glimpses of it, and I hope to see more of it over time.
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We'd be able to connect in new, deeper ways.
It'd be wonderful.
I've seen glimpses of it, and I hope to see more of it over time.
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I am so grateful for the people in my life who I can share a deep friendship with. They enrich my life, and I hope they feel the same.
Most of them are women or non-binary.
I wish I could bring some of this feeling to more men, though.
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Most of them are women or non-binary.
I wish I could bring some of this feeling to more men, though.
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Men, it's really great to actually feel your feelings.
If this resonates with you, my DMs are open and I'm happy to talk.
20/20
If this resonates with you, my DMs are open and I'm happy to talk.
20/20
