To understand coercive control.
To REALLY understand it, you need to understand how manipulators work. The things they know they can do, to bring us to our knees.

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It goes without saying that the first thing they will control is HOW they present. The public at large will only ever see the
*nice* side.
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They take an interest in you.
An intense interest.
They especially want to know about anything in your past that has caused you pain, upset or trauma.
They do this by prematurely disclosing some traumatic episode in their life to fool you into trusting them.
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It creates a false sense of intimacy. For a while, it will seem as you are the keepers of each other’s secrets. It forges a bond and gives the illusion that you are closer than you really are.
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To the controlling person, it is simply a fishing expedition.
The aim is to find out personal, intimidate, painful details about you that they can then manipulate to use over you to emotionally stab you.
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Their premature disclosure of some traumatic event in their lives turns out, often, just to be a lie.
It never happened.
It was never real.

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And that is often when the abuse starts.
The devaluation....

And then the apology.
The one you so desperately want to believe because, up to that point, it was just so good to be loved by you.
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And this is the clincher:

Should you forgive?

If you forgive, they know that they can debase you and then win you back.

If you don’t, they will look for someone who will.

In many ways, the tactics used mirror those used by narcissists.

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BUT that is not to say that all those who are controlling are narcissists. Many are.
But not all.

What they DO have in common is how they love bomb you until you’re invested.

They can not sustain the façade of the wonderful, attentive, perfect *soul mate* so they need to ensure you fall in love with them quickly. Before you find out their true nature.

Another characteristic they share is their need to present a false image of themselves to the outside world.

Once they know you’re invested in the relationship, they can reveal more of their true selves. They know it’s harder to leave once you’ve committed. This could be an emotional investment or it could be financial. Moving in together, a joint mortgage, pregnancy.
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And this is where the mind games really begin. The love bombing then the rejection. The pushing away and reeling back in.

The honeymoon stage is over.

Your reality is no longer your reality. It is the reality they create for you. It’s gaslighting.

The rug has been pulled from under your feet. You become disoriented, hyper vigilant, confused and most probably sleep deprived. You are walking on eggshells.

Afraid you’re going mad.
Afraid to make them mad.
Afraid. All the time.
Sometimes, not even knowing why you’re in fear but the panic is there. Always.
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They KNOW what you’re scared of.
You told them at the beginning when they disclosed their fears.
They told you their fears so you would feel obligated to share yours. The problem is, they lied.
But they know how to hurt you. They know your Achilles heel.
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It doesn’t take much to control you.
They know what you’re scared of.
They lovebombed and rejection cycle has resulted in #traumabonding
There has been so much #gaslighting, you doubt your reality. You’re doubting your sanity.
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Yet you look to your abuser for reassurance.
Reassurance that it’s not you. You’re not going mad.
You don’t yet realise just how much they are manipulating your reality and that they alone hold the key to the answers they deny you.
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And all it takes is a look or a sigh or some tiny gesture for you to realise what they are capable of.

Yet, to the outside world, looking in, the threats are invisible but what is not is your fear is your panic, your sleep deprivation, your hyper vigilance, your disorientation.

But they can’t see and can’t possibly know what has happened behind closed doors. It’s easier to believe you are mentally ill than the truth that they are manipulating you, AND THEM.

It’s all invisible in plain sight.
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