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Things are getting bleak in Duolingo-land
And then, they got worse...
Another update from the Duolingo dystopia:
Given how things are going in Duolingo-land, I think this is a solid life choice:
I don’t know Duolingo, why would I *possibly* think that?!
Hope for optimism in Duolingo-land? Could the tide be turning?
Don’t we all, Duolingo, don’t we all.
An update from our friend in the basement. Poor guy
We all have our limits, Duolingo.
I feel the judge might beg to differ, Duolingo.
Harsh, Duolingo, but fair
You say that, Duolingo, but somehow...
Unsettling, but the logic is sound
At this point, Duolingo, I think we could have seen it coming
This is a pretty snarky thread, but I feel like today’s Duolingo example is both on brand, and useful in contemporary life:
Glad we agree on that, Duolingo
I was worried infinitives weren’t going to provide updates from the Duolingo dystopia. I should have had more faith.
No reason given, but I’m going to assume this is an “in case of emergency, break glass”-type situation:
But what if it doesn’t, Duolingo? What happens then?!
The first statement would have been more credible without the follow-up:
Somehow, I just don’t see this scene ending well.
In times like these, you’ve got to find your happiness where you can, Duolingo.
Maybe she should ask basement guy if he wants some?
The crying in the basement is a bigger issue than the lack of transportation, if I’m being honest.
Well... nothing else seems to be working 
I feel your pain, Duolingo. I really do
Uh oh, I know how this story ends...
Well, maybe if you didn’t go around breaking people’s hands, you wouldn’t have that problem.
Um... I hesitate to ask this, Duolingo, but did they have their hands broken?
Why do you ask? Worried you missed one?
I hope it doesn’t hurt my head. I hope it doesn’t make my mouth too dry. Or make my eyes too red.
NGL, I’m getting worried for basement guy
Overheard at the Duolingo Dystopia cocktail party:
My decision to stay home with my seven cats (see upthread) is looking better and better.
When I started this thread, I really did not think that “basement guy” was going to be a recurring theme.
I... hope this isn’t the same guy?
By now, I think we all know what kind of film. Shudder.
Nice try, basement guy. Nice try...
F-you, Duolingo
I mean, okay, but I don’t think the soup is going to get a better reception the second time around
Their specialty is disgusting soup.
Why do I get the feeling Duolingo is sick of my shade? #sorrynotsorry
You can leave anytime! Just ask the guy in the basement...
The Duolingo dystopia, where technology is hard to come by
You guys, this was the first sentence of today’s lesson. The first one!
Pfew!
Attacks on the credibility of the media. Should have seen it coming...
I hesitate to ask, but...
Narrator: Even worse was yet to come
It still would have been nice to get one though...
I’m not the only one picturing a mad scientist delivering this line, am I?
Maybe this is why people don’t respect your method?
Philosophers have fewer lab explosions. Usually.
At this point, I’ll believe a lot, Duolingo.
Um... not sure this is going to foster a climate of rigorous scientific inquiry.
This is how lab explosions start, Duolingo.
No, Duolingo. I’m sorry your party isn’t suitable for my band!
What were you doing under my piano to find it there?
Pretty sure this is about basement guy’s “poetry nights.”
I’m not going to ask. I don’t want to know.
She uh... might be at that for a while.
Going to hazard a guess here and say... basement guy?
In dystopias, nothing good ever happens in stadiums.
Look, everyone’s career is going to have its ups and downs. Larceny is uncalled for.
When the fans say the game is over, they aren’t messing around.
In protest of rampant medal and ball stealing by fans, no doubt.
Oh my friends, the new lesson is words related to government. Already, it is an embarrassment of riches:
Fine. Sure. But for problems that can’t be prevented, I stand by my recommendation.
It’s awesome! There’s a volcano, and a lair, and sharks, and... Hey, where are you going?
Is this because they didn’t respect your method? Or because they didn’t want your disgusting soup?
Not reassuring, Duolingo!
Presented without comment
The Minister of Justice is perhaps in the wrong line of work?
Are you sure you want to know?
Unclear, but I’m sure it’s completely unrelated to the greenish dust. Right?
The way things are going? Take two.
One disaster we cannot credibly blame on basement guy I guess.
The Duolingo dystopia is experimenting with monarchy this week. Let’s see how it’s goin— uh oh.
Guys? I thought we agreed the problem was excessive royal feasting.
In all honesty, do you blame him?
This is—shall we say—not an encouraging development.
Oh great, we don’t just have zombie superheroes, we have *stealthy* zombie superheroes. Yippee.
Blackmail is an ugly thing, Duolingo. Let’s talk about this like adults.
And why is it full of sharks?
Oh, clearly. But... why don’t you explain it to me like I *haven’t* spoken with an owl
Today I had my first lesson in useful words for business. You will be relieved to learn that Duolingo Hebrew remains steadfastly on brand:
Just none of that dirty drug money-type cash.
Speak for yourself, Duolingo
Good thing we don’t need high salaries to be happy?
When I was in Australia, I took many pictures, but you do you, Duolingo.
I blame this on dystopian food shortages
The sentence is so long that the end of the English got cut off. The full Hebrew reads: “A moment before the launch of the spaceship, the astronaut remembered that he had forgotten *to close the door.*”
(Aside: Apparently, I’m learning something!
)
(Aside: Apparently, I’m learning something!
)
...At which point, whether or not the door was shut became kind of a moot point.
Even in the dystopia, some things never change...
Yes, this is an innocuous sentence. But allow me to direct your attention to the one word left over
Not according to whoever put together my mishloach manot they’re not!
(This may be an obscure one for Gentiles in the audience, but the juxtaposition amused the crap out *me,* so #sorrynotsorry)
(This may be an obscure one for Gentiles in the audience, but the juxtaposition amused the crap out *me,* so #sorrynotsorry)
That would make life simpler, I guess?
What? You don’t like my new productivity hack?
It’s always sunny in Philadelphia, but...
The topic of today’s lesson was Israel. Where apparently, cherry tomatoes are a big f-ing deal.
Hey Duolingo, you doing okay?
These are dark times, Duolingo. I just want to be honest with you
*sniff* Don’t you like me anymore, fish?
Even in the Duolingo dystopia, ComicCon FOMO is real.
Are you sure the authors aren’t sitting and messing around online?
Eat your own damn apples, directors!
Hey, look Duolingo, I know I was a little salty yesterday, but there are plenty of apples. We can get more. There’s no need to start arresting people over it.
Can’t we all just get along? Would an apple help?
So much, I’m sure. Sigh
We all need something to get us up in the morning
Is this why we have our hopes pinned on the pigeon?
I have no narrative for this one, just... WTF, Duolingo?
And why do they have so many knives?
One shudders to think what he will lose next
Between this and the pants, he is having a busy day.
My car exploded a while back. I’ve been meaning to mention it
In the dystopia, if you want today’s paper, you’re out of luck.
And this makes January different from other months how?
Scheduling meetings in the Duolingo dystopia goes about as well as you would think.
We’ve all got our reasons. I don’t judge.
In the dystopia, they are still promoting the final season of Game of Thrones.
Hard agree.
The wine situation has not improved.
I feel unproductive now.
Speak for yourself!
Dystopian pick-up lines need some work
I mean, it’s not like the wine has much to recommend it
In your face!
Uh oh.
Certainly not now that the bears are loose!
Check the thread, Duolingo. Check the thread.
Um... Did he look pale by any chance? Like he’d been living in a basement?
Still an improvement on the disgusting soup though
The answer to most questions in the Duolingo dystopia:
I guess he’s not here for the food
Who does?
Soon, not a single rutabaga will be safe!
Just so long as we all know where we stand.
Okay, this is starting to feel kinda personal.
Just when you thought the threat of vegetarian lions had passed...
I think he’s stressed out by the bees.
In today’s lesson, Vader explains his relationship to Luke.
I grew up in Virginia. Trust me, plenty of first names are last names AND dog names.
Given that, in Hebrew, the way you say “cousin” is literally “son/daughter of uncle/aunt”... Is this a dystopian rewriting-the-dictionary type trick question?
In a dystopia, it’s better not to get too attached.
At long last, the hour of our escape has come! All we need is to start the car and... nuts.
The old one is full of hummus.
At least we’ve got the basics covered.
Must be why he lives in mine.
I think we all know why
Okay, I put up with a lot in this dystopia, but that is the last straw!
I’m not saying Duolingo provides fake dystopia news, but I’m dubious.
Under the circumstances, I think it’s a valid life choice.
My customers find it very convenient!
I know an Israeli restauranteur he should meet!
Depends. Are they disgusting?
My restaurant is doing great!
At last, someone takes a stand against dystopian cuisine!
Do they? Or is someone chasing them?
Look Duolingo, if you had complaints, you should have let me know!
Not you, just your wife. #sorrynotsorry
If this is what you’re looking for in an employee, I see why I got fired.
Sorry, it comes with the job.
Is this part of the suffering, or just a bonus?
At least the weather is on brand?
Well, that escalated quickly.
Grandma has her priorities in order.
Yes, but how’s the bar scene?
And now we know why grandma’s island has so many bars
Anything else you need to get off your chest?
Hey! I manage to write!
Mostly.
Mostly.
Okay, I’m gonna need an explanation.
When people ask me, “How much longer is your Duolingo dystopia thread going to get?” This is my reply:
But a new era of what?
Yeah, but is it our committee or theirs?
Does this mean I get to be on the committee?
In the Duolingo dystopia, punchlines are not provided
I was telling @OKBJGM about this thread and he said, “All those sentences sound like code phrases in an old spy movie.” And now I can’t unsee it.
Yes, but where did the turtle go?
Neither. Although we are doing the Woodstock anniversary thing again, so I can see how you got confused.
But are they really there?
Are we still talking about pillows? Because that’s a lot of pillows.
Ever!
It’s the one that leads to the basement
Okay, I realize I have an entire thread devoted to these, but seriously WTF?!
This is one of those times when being told I’m right doesn’t make me feel better, Duolingo.
I’ve been doing this thread for how long, and now you tell me?!
Oh, but you’ve also taught me so much more.
Given the weirdo vocabulary that apparently *has* been necessary, I’m a little freaked about what they’re leaving out
Sure it is, Duolingo. Sure it is.
Some days, you pick a goal you know you can manage.
Maybe someone should tell him?
He said he wasn’t using it. 
... What has it been up to now?
It’s the lack of return options that has me concerned.
This adventure has taken a worrisome turn.
Hey Duolingo, why did Rosetta Stone used to steal your lunch money?
Given the way this adventure has gone, I’m just glad to be home at all!
Well, that’s not ominous
Maybe you should have thought about her sooner
And that’s just since she broke the plate!
Wow, that sentence gets a lot more threatening without the comma
I tried to warn him no one was interested in basement poetry night...
What, you mean to replace the one that exploded at the top of this thread?
Apparently, the soup has not improved
My mushroom, however, is not similar to a dog.
Or else he gets the hose.
More than he can eat, I guess?
The search for a working vehicle in this dystopia continues...
Not unless we get some wheels for it
Just saying, without the wheels, multiple engines only do you so much good
And I’m sure there’s a perfectly innocent explanation why...
And you can’t make them!
Lesson 1: Stop eating soap.
As in longs for, not as in has bad aim
Well, this gives me great faith in the dystopian legal system
Oh, this will end well
Look, it’s been a rough week, okay?
I mean, he’s still eating soap, but at least he acknowledges me
We all have our trials to endure
Literary opinions remain divided
I’m just not
Poor ducks! Now I’m sad about them too
Jury still out on how stupid it is
Today, the dystopia takes a nihilist turn
Computer, lights! ... Computer?
You know, if this kind doesn’t work for you
The struggles of duck ownership are real
Words that will never be said about this thread:
About time someone admitted it
Don’t ask.
*disappointed mom face*
Spin it how you want, I’m not buying it
The rest of the class really resents him blowing the curve
In this dystopia, we can but hope
I... I got nothing
Dystopian dinner parties are very efficient
Damn you!
Not until you tell me what the powder is, bucko
Sigh, of course today’s update sounds like a drug reference:
Yeah, I’ll take your word for it about the ground temperature
...Not a great sign
Our dystopia is turning into a disaster movie...
But, it’s marked as correct, which means I do understand this sentence, which means it’s not correct that I don’t understand...
Definitely an alternate universe
It’s a short document
I am a true hero for our times
And I only just saved my sock!
The way things are going, I’m taking the win
But at least no one is passing out, right?
Not as much fun as electrocution, ngl
But is it bright?
Just so you’re aware
Finally, we get to the important questions
But no pressure
For certain, limited, definitions of everything
Unfortunately, the operation is tomorrow
Can you really have too many? I mean, who wants to be caught out without a spare?
Uh-uh, basement guy...
Well, okay then!
Today on Duolingo, we embrace the passive voice, and apparently also radical honesty?
Don’t we all, Duolingo, don’t we all
There’s a weird guy in the basement
Level with me. It’s basement guy, right?
Oh, this is awkward...
Finally got the police report regarding my car. Not long on new insights
How do you feel about garlic?
Frankly, it makes life simpler.
No, Duo, tell me what you really think
Somewhere, in a dystopia containing an infinite number of typewriters...
Oh, nowhere in particular...
In the dystopia, OSHA is very lax
I’ll tell you one thing, it ain’t Superman.
Yeah, yeah, talking rocks are a thing now. What did it say?!
Threat or promise?
I think if I figure this one thing out, the talking rock will make sense:
The rat poison is quite smooth, with a fruity finish
Yes, but it’s so convenient to my lair!
I find it helps to establish these things up front
Oh yeah? Just watch me!
Okay, so we’re all going to talk to basement guy about the “poetry night” situation together, right?
Step one:
What did you learn in your surgical residency today?
Hey Duo, how do I get into that rave in the Mines of Moria?
Dystopia aside, I try to keep this thread light. But seriously Duolingo, is everything okay over there?
(CW: allusion to school violence)
(CW: allusion to school violence)
Not just some of them, mind you. All of them.
Bits of watermelon were everywhere!
There were watermelons exploding all over the place. I got distracted
It was not! 
Somewhere with fewer exploding watermelons, that’s for sure
While I admit no fault for what transpired at the fruit cart...
Next time you need an exploding watermelon, don’t come crying to me
I’m not sure what this conversation is about, but I do not share your optimism.
I’m guessing that conversation did not go well
Don’t I, though?
Don’t we, though?
The hostility and crying are at last explained:
How many were you expecting?
Aren’t we all?
Is that what we’re calling it these days?
Honestly...?
I hesitate to ask, but... why?
Well, maybe you should have given her more responsibility
Guess what? Not every tradition needs to endure
It doesn’t get better with repetition
I’ll take your word for it.
Yeah, I wouldn’t be so sure about that
Legal advice in the dystopia:
It’s that kind of day
At this point, I can’t say I care
Very few people, but sometimes it *can* be an opportunity for growth
Welp, this is a bit of a pickle
I just... no. It’s creepy.
I can’t tell you much about my mission, but...
Our dystopia is good at explosions. Not so much with watchtower design
Even in the dystopia, some things never change
I feel like I’m not getting the full story here, Duolingo
...and you’re not going to fill me in, are you?
Where? In a guest room with a broken window?
A reminder from the dystopian CDC about why you should not let your friend pick your nose for you:
Everyone in the factory stopped shaking hands, but now...
You got me there, Duolingo
The doctor was not kidding around
I went to get tested for covid-19...
This doctor’s visit is just unhinged now
I want to write a funny caption, but frankly, I’m a bit freaked out
One way to preserve social distance, I guess
Well that’s... grim
He says it’s “stockpiling.” I say it’s a strategic reserve.
This thread used to feel a lot more like an alternate universe than it does right now, ngl
But I also self-isolated
Even without a pandemic, I’m not sure that’s possible, but I applaud your ambition, Duo
And I will find it wanting
Yeah, and we all know what kind of film it is, too
But I’m still not coming to your poetry night, basement guy
It’s not social distancing, our owner just has a really weird business model
No shit, Duo
Dystopian quarantine is not going well
That’s... not what social distancing means, Duo
What situation at the university?
...
Exactly.
...
Exactly.
Okay, whatever the situation at the university is, it’s not good.
Solid advice, Duolingo. Solid advice.
