Folks, @roywoodjr is wondering why no one who says they studied karate admits to losing a karate tournament.

So may I present to you...

A MF’IN THREAD

So I went to Hungary in 1999 to rep the United States in international karate competition.

13 years old.

Gunning for world glory...

...I WAS HYPE.

What’s more — the first day of competition?

My mother

F’ing

Birthday.

I was going to win a gold medal on my fourteenth birthday and come home to the states a World Champion.

That was the plan.

...That is not what happened.

What happened was in American AAU Karate you are not allowed to punch people in the head.

You are penalized for that action.

But in Europe?

So since European fighting rules are , I entered the ring to defeat my opponent

And five seconds in

Took a fist between the eyes

When I awoke from blackout state, I was seeing double.

I tried to communicate this to the ref and medical examiner.

They didn’t speak English.

Well.

The doctor knew how to say “You’re fine ”

Because he did.

And sent my ass back into the ring.

Truly fam my entire acting reel should be the footage of me trying to win this fight from that moment on and swinging at opponents that aren’t there while my IRL opponent stares at me dumbfounded, unsure of whether to mercy kill me or drag this sucker out.

He chooses the latter.

I lose over a very prolonged three minutes — and in the match’s final moments, my opponent punches me in the stomach so purposefully that a low moan of a stinky fart loudly escapes my anus.

I collapse to the ground.

As I am helped to my feet by medical staff....

And the ref concludes the match...

My opponent strolls over and whispers:

“Happy birthday”

So no folks — I did not win the karate tournament. In fact I lost so badly that the concussion I sustained kept me out of competition for the next six days.

But I hope that in suffering defeat, I have made you all winners.

Because if you’re birthday’s ever going badly, remember:

You could be getting a fart punched out of you in Hungary .

Thanks so much; happy birthday.

Wax on wax off,

Scottie T