Ever know a married couple that announced a divorce that turned ugly? Here's why "not taking sides" is an abusers' dream come true.
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Abusers are not attached to their spouse the way you might expect. Notice how they move on very quickly. While the abused spouse is reeling and grieving, the abuser is running around lunching and coffee-ing spreading lies and sharing their side of the story.

If you speak with each of them right after the break up one will be sad and unable to focus on anything else in conversation. The other will be able to have a "normal" conversation, laughing and charming once they have spread their version of the break up.

You might not know who to believe. You might believe it is mature, appropriate to not take sides. But as Elie Weisel said, "We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented." But who is truthful?

Usually they both may tell you a story of being victimized. But there will be a difference. One has a pattern of blow up relationship endings, cheating, lying. They are the one to move on quickly. If the abuser is a male the new victim will be young.

The abuser probably has been spreading lies long before the break up about their spouse. "They are difficult. They are a drinker. They are a bad parent. But the couple seemed loving and connected when you saw them.

So, what are you to do? Listen. Observe. Don't go neutral. The fun charming spouse who moves on quickly with a new person has been with that person for much longer than you know. The sad, frazzled, ruminating spouse has been abused. Yeah, they're no fun to be around right now.

One hard to recognize act of cruelty of the abuser is to get people to go "neutral," or to turn their back on the abused spouse. The abuser walks away with the new person, and the friends they've flattered, bought, manipulated. The victim is almost alone.

When the victim tries to explain the abuse people can't understand. The abused spouse struggles to articulate it. They seem scrambled and overly emotional. Why can't they get over the break up. Their spouse is doing much better.

So one of the couple abuses by smearing, lying, manipulating, cheating, stealing, flattering. The other is a person is kind-hearted enough to believe in goodness in the other person, enough so that they were forgiving, gullible, generous, trusting, but right now they're a mess.

If you go neutral you enable the abuser. Not all divorces are between a serial abuser and an abused spouse. But next time you encounter a marriage break up, listen, observe. Watch for patterns. Don't let a charmer flatter you to be on 'their side.' And to end this thread...

Read abt #NarcissisticPersonalityDisorder #NarcissisticAbuse #Sociopaths. Their patterns of behavior are very predictable. Learn how they abuse, protect yourself & those u love. Teach ur children. We should not be able to graduate high school w/o learning the red flags. <end>