Gather round. I have a story to tell you. A story of the most embarrassing social anxiety inducing proportions, that has just happened to me... 1/

I am at a conference for a major heritage organisation running an escape room. The conference is in a vast mansion and conference centre. It’s VERY fancy. 2/

I had been invited to a drinks reception tonight. I was told that some people dress up but that I shouldn’t worry. (I have carried so much stuff from home that all I could cary clotheswise were T-shirt’s and jeans.) It’s also worth mentioning I have been painting... 3/

I grab a shower and head out... it’s a labyrinth but I hear a hubbub and head towards it. Hundreds of men in tuxedos and women in gowns. There’s champagne and a harp. I think ‘fuck me, this is fancy!’ But shrug it off and grab a drink and a handful of olives 4/

So I look around for the 3 faces I know... I don’t spot anyone so I push through. I notice I’m getting funny looks but don’t think much of it. I head to the bar, neck my champagne and look around. A woman looks at me so I walk over 5/

‘Hi I’m Sacha I’m the one that’s locking you all in a room tomorrow!’ Silence the woman and her friends stare at me. They are all wearing diamonds. ‘You’re doing what?!’ Finally one woman asks. /6

‘Well I’ve got the story all planned. Escape room y’know? It’s a space time shift thing but also a thing about arsenic poisoning but I don’t want to spoil it!’ I ramble nervously.

They look at me incredulously. One woman’s mouth drops open. 7/

‘You look so nervous’ I say sipping from a new glass of champagne I reach into my pocket to show them the programme for the event and that’s when my pocket knife (I’d been using it to cut packing tape) falls out on to the floor. They take a step back from me. One woman gasps 8/

‘Please leave! You’re scaring us and I don’t think you’re meant to be here.’ Says one woman. I go to explain when a man walks up to me. ‘Sorry to interrupt old fellow but I just thought I’d let you know that your trousers have got a bit of paint on them... 9/

‘Also I think your tshirt is on inside-out.’ I look down. Yes my shirt is inside-out. And also there is a HUGE brown smear across my ass. It’s paint. But it does not look like paint. It really doesn’t. 10/

The women have backed away from me so I leave and that’s when I see a big sign for a major cosmetics company and another sign ‘fundraising for colon cancer’. 11/

And that’s why I am currently hiding in my room. 12/

TLDR: I gate crashed a fundraising reception for colon cancer looking like I had shat myself and badly frightened a group of women then brandished a knife at them.