When I was a feminist I didn't understand: "feminists destroy the family."

Science progressed. I worked 70+ hr weeks, checking experiments at 3 am, in lab at Christmas....

My friends had children.

Now they have families and I have publications. Don't make my mistake.

I am not saying that girls shouldn't pursue science if they want. By all means, go for it.

But we cannot simultaneously push girls into intense, demanding career paths while neglecting to mention that the majority of them will want children, which requires its own planning.

Thank you for all the feedback on this!

To be clear, I am grateful for my career and for supportive parents, teachers, colleagues that all wanted me to succeed and be happy. I always loved science and deeply love that I was able to study it for so long.

I am not angry. I am not placing blame elsewhere. I made all my choices w/ the information I had at the time.

This information was heavily biased towards career and caused me to prioritize work over my romantic relationships. There were many missed opportunities there.

The feminist view that I had was that if I didn't prioritize my science career, I was giving into the system that just saw me as a baby-maker. I wanted to prove I was more.

There is so much wrong with that perception, which is why I feel that feminism was a cancer on my mind.

If you have a different view of "feminism", that is fine. I was expressing how I saw things... not spreading lies, not fear-mongering... just telling my story.

I think the evidence plays out, however. There are MANY 30ish women speaking about this in hushed tones.

I was telling my story because I see so many amazing young girls on a path where they may be scrambling to have families one day and I want them to recognize how fast time goes.

I want to maximize human happiness; all girls deserve to understand the power of their choices.

Ok, look. This is getting out of control. I was talking about how I perceived feminism played out in my mind and life. I was very clear. If it played out differently for you, then that is wonderful. Honestly. And there is a ton of nuance here.

Women have a unique set of challenges. We all must work them out in our own life. I know this, so telling me I need to take blame is literally pointless. I already have.

How did I come to interpret “feminists destroy the family”? That they destroy a girl’s view that she is just as worthy if she pursues SAHM-life OVER career. At minimum, by her not prioritizing family/relationship, the stability falters and falls apart.

If you believe that girls should have the power to have choices, then you would have absolutely no problem with me explaining how some of my choices played out in my life and how I felt with them.

Ignoring how choices play out in women’s lives is like saying: “Make a choice when you are 18… any choice you want! But also do it without listening to how those same choices manifest in someone 20 years later.”

They should see and hear about lots of manifestations. Then they can navigate through to the one they want. They can see and avoid pitfalls as they are happening and have more self-awareness throughout the steps along the way.

A theme that came up in the replies is that “women just need partners that support their career”. While perhaps implied that there is mutual support, why is it that…

if a man wants “a wife that supports his career”, he is seen as sexist and wanting to “pigeon-hold women”? Does anyone prioritize that their daughter/ young women make sure that they “support his career” or “find a father for children”?

People say that they want women to have choices. Well, me too. We have the same goal. I saw very much that career was pushed on me WAY heavier and I see it happening to others. Again, if you were taught a more balanced approach, perfect.

For me, I felt it would be beneath me to prioritize family over career. Even though I thought I might want one someday, the career had to be my raison d'être. It had to remain my number one passion. Yet, building a family is a time-sensitive endeavor.

If speaking to that mindset helps someone else in that thought pattern and consider their actions, then cool. That’s what I was going for. They can continue their career. I would want that, obviously (if they do). This is not black and white.

If my prior view is not how you saw things, then this story is irrelevant to you. You already have your priorities where you want them. If you are not making my mistakes, then my story doesn’t relate to you.

But first, understand that clearly this resonated with people, or else it wouldn’t have been shared as it was. Let people have nuanced conversation instead of lambasting them for not having your worldview.

Also, there are many girls who still may be moving along career-wise without any counter perspective to the accepted narrative. As far as sharing your anecdotal story of being different from mine, then good, we both have anecdotes.

The problem is that young girls are hearing the “BIG career, then family” anecdote as the narrative and very little time is spent on how to become good mothers and wives. So, if you want there to be an actual choice, then both need air time.

I’m going to go spend the rest of the evening with my boyfriend and relax away from this thread. I hope you have a good night too and spend your energy in a positive way. Trust me that we both want choice and freedom and happiness for people.

Something I intend to look into when I have more time: The Nigerian feminism movement. Lots of conversation from over there. Thank you for that!

And thank you to all the very supportive people who are navigating their own career and family concerns. I appreciated your thoughts.