Let’s have a thread about a behavior I like to call Vulnerability Hoarding.

This is when someone emphasizes their own vulnerability, frailty, suffering, etc, in a way that frames the other party as not having those things (or them not being important).

I sometimes also call this “showing your belly.” Someone can assume a posture of being very vulnerable, victim-like, fragile, to avoid looking responsible for something.

They can also do this to imply someone else is an aggressor

When someone hoards vulnerability, only they get to be sensitive, sad, in need of protection. It naturally makes any person they’re arguing or disagreeing with look aggressive, because they deny that person their *own* vulnerability.

Obvious forms include “how could you attack me like this!” in response to gentle criticism. There are a lot of famous people who use this trick when they’re rightly criticized.

But more subtle forms include someone repeatedly talking about how hurt they are about a disagreement, mentioning that they’re sick or anxious or upset, so much the other person effectively has to accept being treated as made of stone.

It’s a way of demanding care in the middle of conflict that also takes the focus off the person with the grievance—when the often more appropriate thing is for that person to be receiving care instead.

If someone expects you to always be available for their needs and ignores yours, this is also vulnerability hoarding. It’s very insidious manipulation, and common for abusers.

But there’s another level to this. Vulnerability hoarding also happens on a collective, institutional level that goes become individual abuse and dysfunction dynamics.

A big example in feminist communities is white women being perceived as more vulnerable than women of color. Whiteness allows us to demand being treated as more fragile than our Black, Indigenous, Asian and Latinx peers.

This is the phenomenon talked about in the phrase White Lady Tears. Whether intentionally or not, white women have the freedom to hoard vulnerability against women of color, continuing to treat WOC as less capable of pain and emotion.

Another case is cis women and trans women. Cis women comparatively are allowed to be far more soft and delicate, while transfems are perceived as rough, masculine, and entitled.

Watch as relatively mild criticisms from transfeminists against cis feminists become narrated as cruel, unrelenting attacks. As self-righteous rage coming from a place of (male-coded) entitlement.

In both these cases, disputes don’t even have to be happening—cis women white tend to simply be seen as more human, more innocent, and more delicate than racialized and transfeminine peers. So when we are treated roughly it’s seen as pretty normal.

Vulnerability hoarding is a horrible thing to face because it’s fundamentally a way of denying your humanity. And when you’re a victim of it on a collective level, you can have your whole life afflicted with the expectation that you are Made of Stone.

Voice a grievance—you’re an aggressor and the person who wronged you is a sweet little victim who meant no harm! Shame on you complaining!

Get a little angry—look at you bullying the poor soul you’ve attacked (even if they just heaped aggression on you!)

This is very related to tone-policing (your claim is automatically wrong if you express it with an irate/unhappy tone), and to demonization.

Demonized people are very easily to hoard vulnerability against.

See also ppl with obscene wealth/influence complaining about “SJWs suppressing free speech,” white adults being described as children while Black children are described as adults, Jews framed as having power over society, transfems called rapacious for having any sexuality, etc