In light of the tragic (DO NOT @ ME) news that Johnny Flynn (JOHNNY! FLYNN!) will be playing David Bowie (DDAAVVIIDD BBOOWWIIEE) I present to you a list of seven actors who should instead play Bowie across the course of a single film (one more than the bad Bob Dylan film):

We begin with Florence Pugh as fresh faced 60s Bowie. Debut self-titled album. Space Oddity a novelty hit but hasn’t quite found his vibe yet.

Then - and bear with me here - DONALD GLOVER AS ZIGGY STARDUST. Be real, no-one is ever going to *mimic* a Ziggy performance. Wouldn’t you rather just see the interpretation to end all interpretations? GIVE ALL YOUR MONEY TO THIS IDEA I JUST HAD.

Thin White Duke = TSwintz. You knew she was coming, and this is entirely correct. No justification needed.

Then my favourite scene of the film: Nina Simone and David Bowie help each other through their dark nights of the soul. Bowie records Wild is the Wind. Cillian Murphy as Bowie, Alfre Woodard as Simone. One take. Both receive Oscar nominations.

TIME FOR SOME COMIC RELIEF. Flight of the Conchords perform Dancing in the Street as Bowie/Jagger. No-one knows what to make of this bit of the film but it becomes its most YouTubed scene.

A Bowie film wouldn’t be complete without a nod towards Labyrinth. It’s Nick Cave as Jareth the Goblin King.

Time to wrap up. Mads Mikkelsen gracefully guides us through the Elder Statesman years. The film ends with I Can’t Give Everything Away and Dollar Days plays over the credits. Everyone cries and drinks and holds their loved ones. Johnny Flynn is not invited to the premiere.

Thanks to @daveralf, @papercuttheatre and a bottle of wine for helping me come up with these. I’m available for all your well-intentioned but wildly ill-conceived pop culture projects, call me hollywood