Read on Twitter
TW: abuse, manipulation, consent violation, BDSM
I'm still working up the courage to do my angry kink community thread, so tonight I'm gonna try and list some red flags that are specific to kinky abusers and BDSM communities. Feel free to mute this thread or suggest your own <3
I'm still working up the courage to do my angry kink community thread, so tonight I'm gonna try and list some red flags that are specific to kinky abusers and BDSM communities. Feel free to mute this thread or suggest your own <3
1: saying that their previous subs weren't 'real' subs.
2: being strongly opposed to 'topping from the bottom' which in my experience usually means 'bottoms expressing their desires and needs during a scene'
3: being friends with/making excuses for known predators
2: being strongly opposed to 'topping from the bottom' which in my experience usually means 'bottoms expressing their desires and needs during a scene'
3: being friends with/making excuses for known predators
4: being reluctant or offended when you ask for references or tell them you're setting up a safecall, or take other steps to ensure your safety. If they act like they're entitled to your trust, don't trust 'em
5: exaggerating their level or range of experience.
5: exaggerating their level or range of experience.
6: (photographer-specific) stealing other people's photos/not having any of their own photos.
7: they always hit on people who are inexperienced/new to the scene ie people who are more vulnerable or unaware of the abuser's reputation.
7: they always hit on people who are inexperienced/new to the scene ie people who are more vulnerable or unaware of the abuser's reputation.
8: rushing/skipping negotiation, or focusing the negotiation on what they want to do.
9: failing to ask about your safety needs
9: failing to ask about your safety needs
10: expecting you to address them by a title (or addressing you by a title) without it being negotiated.
11: (online) trying to meet with you in private instead of meeting in a public place
11: (online) trying to meet with you in private instead of meeting in a public place
12: saying subs should have no limits
Most of these are focused on abusive tops/doms, but bottoms/subs can be abusive/predatory too. I'm more attuned to recognising bad doms tho. Pls halp
Most of these are focused on abusive tops/doms, but bottoms/subs can be abusive/predatory too. I'm more attuned to recognising bad doms tho. Pls halp
13: making assumptions about your fetishes, preferences, pain tolerance, etc
14: putting people down for having a low pain tolerance, having less extreme fetishes, not approaching BDSM in the exact same way they do
14: putting people down for having a low pain tolerance, having less extreme fetishes, not approaching BDSM in the exact same way they do
15: telling you repeatedly how safe they are, without really doing anything to back that up.
16: Talking badly about the local kink community. There can be valid reasons (I've hated every kink community I've seen) but sometimes it's because they've been banned for misconduct
16: Talking badly about the local kink community. There can be valid reasons (I've hated every kink community I've seen) but sometimes it's because they've been banned for misconduct
17: acting as though men are dominant and women are submissive by default.
18: having glaring gaps in their knowledge such as not knowing basic terminology.
19: threatening to punish you with your hard/soft limits.
18: having glaring gaps in their knowledge such as not knowing basic terminology.
19: threatening to punish you with your hard/soft limits.
20: giving or demanding money straight away before you've gotten to know each other
21: "I don't believe in safe words"
22: asking you to sign a contract that you've had no input on (or even one that you haven't read)
23: calling people 'vanilla' pejoratively
21: "I don't believe in safe words"
22: asking you to sign a contract that you've had no input on (or even one that you haven't read)
23: calling people 'vanilla' pejoratively
24: wanting to play while intoxicated, or while you're intoxicated. This isn't as much of an issue when you've been playing together for a while, but they should know that intoxication and unfamiliarity make things a lot more risky
25: acting like a dom/sub outside of a scene, or with people who haven't consented to it.
26: their fantasies are basically just summaries of a porn film they saw once
26: their fantasies are basically just summaries of a porn film they saw once
25 cont: this can manifest as doms waving their dicks around at munches (metaphorically) or giving instructions/talking down to subs/women.
This has actually been really funny on a few occasions when I've seen middle-aged men at kink workshops all getting into a pissing contest trying to project their 'authority' over the entire discussion. But still, RED FLAG.
27: trying to initiate kink at inappropriate times, e.g. in public or during arguments
28: (bottoms/subs) treating tops/doms like fetish dispensers e.g. asking to be tied up while displaying zero interest in the person doing the tying.
28: (bottoms/subs) treating tops/doms like fetish dispensers e.g. asking to be tied up while displaying zero interest in the person doing the tying.
29: this is a subset of 10, but, introducing themselves to you with their title instead of just their name e.g. 'nice to meet you, I'm Master Robert' instead of 'hi I'm bob.'
30: offering to 'mentor' you in your kink journey when the 'mentoring' involves you doing kink together.
I'm done for tonight. If you know any other red flags, please let me know and I'll add them to the list.
Also a lot of these warrant further explanation and I shouldn't have done multiple flags per tweet. If any of them confuse you, @/DM me and I'll try to explain properly <3
Also a lot of these warrant further explanation and I shouldn't have done multiple flags per tweet. If any of them confuse you, @/DM me and I'll try to explain properly <3
31: describing themselves as an 'alpha.'
32: doms including punishment in a D/S dynamic without consent or a clear mutual understanding of how you're going to incorporate punishment.
This is kind of obvious but I think it should be said that you can have a D/S relationship that involves no punishment aspect whatsoever
This is kind of obvious but I think it should be said that you can have a D/S relationship that involves no punishment aspect whatsoever
37: guilt-tripping you when you're not in the mood https://twitter.com/Sophiepuddle/status/1089341323402981377
