Read on Twitter
Important thread for the day. Today I will be evaluating Disney villains on the two most critical metrics:
1. Are they redeemable?
2. Do they fuck?
Question 1 will also handle the important question of "were they actually right?" before you ask.
1. Are they redeemable?
2. Do they fuck?
Question 1 will also handle the important question of "were they actually right?" before you ask.
THE QUEEN (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
Redeemable: "I'm going to kill everyone hotter than me" is a good indication she's kinda far gone, really.
Does She Fuck: "I'm going to kill everyone hotter than me" is telling on this metric, too, but she may be boinking the Huntsman.
Redeemable: "I'm going to kill everyone hotter than me" is a good indication she's kinda far gone, really.
Does She Fuck: "I'm going to kill everyone hotter than me" is telling on this metric, too, but she may be boinking the Huntsman.
HONEST JOHN FOULFELLOW (Pinocchio)
Redeemable: For want of a better social safety net, John is a con man being used by other con men. With better support, who knows?
Does He Fuck: Absolutely.
(yes this movie has several villains but Honest John is the source of most problems)
Redeemable: For want of a better social safety net, John is a con man being used by other con men. With better support, who knows?
Does He Fuck: Absolutely.
(yes this movie has several villains but Honest John is the source of most problems)
I'm skipping films like Fantasia and the compilation films for obvious reasons but if there's an abstract villain I'll hit at them.
THE CIRCUS-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX (Dumbo)
Redeemable: Hell to the no, exploitative and abusive and (in this film) racist as fuck, shut it down.
Does It Fuck: Lots of people and animals get ROYALLY fucked by the circus industry.
Redeemable: Hell to the no, exploitative and abusive and (in this film) racist as fuck, shut it down.
Does It Fuck: Lots of people and animals get ROYALLY fucked by the circus industry.
Quick pause to say, yes, Chernabog fucks. https://twitter.com/truckeeben/status/1086688399094763520?s=19
MAN (Bambi)
Redeemable: Most of their efforts at redemption involve trying to reverse the things THEY fucked up so THEY don't die, so probably not.
Do They Fuck: Not tonight, honey, I'm really tired.
Redeemable: Most of their efforts at redemption involve trying to reverse the things THEY fucked up so THEY don't die, so probably not.
Do They Fuck: Not tonight, honey, I'm really tired.
THE LADY TREMAINE (Cinderella)
Redeemable: Bad direct-to-DVD sequels notwithstanding, she's an old money monster who basically keeps a family member in servitude to better play the nobility-fucking game. Nope. Bad news.
Does She Fuck: She does fuck though.
Redeemable: Bad direct-to-DVD sequels notwithstanding, she's an old money monster who basically keeps a family member in servitude to better play the nobility-fucking game. Nope. Bad news.
Does She Fuck: She does fuck though.
THE QUEEN OF HEARTS (Alice in Wonderland)
Redeemable: Literal murderous royal who's a tower of perpetual rage. She's not getting better without losing everything she has.
Does She Fuck: Yes she does. Total domme, she and the King are very into humiliation-oriented kinkplay.
Redeemable: Literal murderous royal who's a tower of perpetual rage. She's not getting better without losing everything she has.
Does She Fuck: Yes she does. Total domme, she and the King are very into humiliation-oriented kinkplay.
CAPTAIN HOOK (Peter Pan)
Redeemable: Single-minded revenge fantasy about a brat who literally dismembered him. He kinda has a point and could've gone down a better path. Still not too far gone.
Does He Fuck: Only with Mr. Starkey, much to Smee's disappointment.
Redeemable: Single-minded revenge fantasy about a brat who literally dismembered him. He kinda has a point and could've gone down a better path. Still not too far gone.
Does He Fuck: Only with Mr. Starkey, much to Smee's disappointment.
THE BABY (Lady and the Tramp)
Redeemable: The Baby is the source of all of Lady's problems, but they're almost all misunderstandings. The Baby will grow up fine. Those racist cats can fuck off though.
Does Sh--: get out.
Redeemable: The Baby is the source of all of Lady's problems, but they're almost all misunderstandings. The Baby will grow up fine. Those racist cats can fuck off though.
Does Sh--: get out.
MALEFICENT (Sleeping Beauty)
Redeemable: What would redemption for an anti-royal fey revolutionary even look like? Even in the original movie she feels more like a competing leadership vision than antagonist. Rude to curse a baby though.
Does She Fuck: Whenever she wants.
Redeemable: What would redemption for an anti-royal fey revolutionary even look like? Even in the original movie she feels more like a competing leadership vision than antagonist. Rude to curse a baby though.
Does She Fuck: Whenever she wants.
CRUELLA DE VIL (One Hundred and One Dalmatians)
Redeemable: No. Dognapping rage monster bougie trash. If she loses it all she'll be stepping all over everyone to get it back.
Does She Fuck: Can't find anyone to meet her impossible standards. Says she's married to "the game."
Redeemable: No. Dognapping rage monster bougie trash. If she loses it all she'll be stepping all over everyone to get it back.
Does She Fuck: Can't find anyone to meet her impossible standards. Says she's married to "the game."
THE MAGNIFICENT MARVELOUS MAD MAD MAD MAD MADAM MIM (The Sword in the Stone)
Redeemable: I don't think she's wrong. She clearly hates the royals and is more of a rival to Merlin. "Redeemable" sounds like "coming to Jesus" in this narrative and. No.
Does She Fuck. For sure.
Redeemable: I don't think she's wrong. She clearly hates the royals and is more of a rival to Merlin. "Redeemable" sounds like "coming to Jesus" in this narrative and. No.
Does She Fuck. For sure.
SHERE KHAN (The Jungle Book)
Redeemable: "Distrustful to humans" is always a safe stance in the animal-centered movies. Preds gotta eat, Shere Khan gotta Shere Khan, he's fine.
Does He Fuck: Name a hornier movie tiger, I'll wait.
Redeemable: "Distrustful to humans" is always a safe stance in the animal-centered movies. Preds gotta eat, Shere Khan gotta Shere Khan, he's fine.
Does He Fuck: Name a hornier movie tiger, I'll wait.
EDGAR BALTHAZAR (The Aristocats)
Redeemable: Look, this dude's years of loyal service get rewarded by being shut out of the inheritance so the goddamn cats can get a payday. He's easily redeemable. Fucking pay him what you owe.
Does He Fuck: Not for some time. :(
Redeemable: Look, this dude's years of loyal service get rewarded by being shut out of the inheritance so the goddamn cats can get a payday. He's easily redeemable. Fucking pay him what you owe.
Does He Fuck: Not for some time. :(
Before we go further, I have not seen Treasure Planet, Brother Bear, or Home on the Range. I will update later when I see these movies.
PRINCE JOHN (Robin Hood)
Redeemable: Look, I don't have high hopes in the various "depose a royal to become a worse one" types getting better. Prince John could've at no point turned things around.
Does He Fuck: If he does, they're related.
Redeemable: Look, I don't have high hopes in the various "depose a royal to become a worse one" types getting better. Prince John could've at no point turned things around.
Does He Fuck: If he does, they're related.
THE BEES (The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh)
Redeemable: They're only trying to do their goddamn job, leave them alone you ravenous fucking bear.
Do They Fuck: Only the queen and her drones.
Redeemable: They're only trying to do their goddamn job, leave them alone you ravenous fucking bear.
Do They Fuck: Only the queen and her drones.
AMOS SLADE (The Fox and the Hound)
Redeemable: He is, it happens in the movie.
Does He Fuck: Yeah, probably, like this dude probably either has or had a wife, and he probably fucks.
Redeemable: He is, it happens in the movie.
Does He Fuck: Yeah, probably, like this dude probably either has or had a wife, and he probably fucks.
THE HORNED KING (The Black Cauldron)
Redeemable: Living embodiment of pure evil who exists to motivate the protags. As irredeemable as they come, that's the point.
Does He Fuck: NO TIME TO FUCK, CONKERING EARTH. -ADMIN
Redeemable: Living embodiment of pure evil who exists to motivate the protags. As irredeemable as they come, that's the point.
Does He Fuck: NO TIME TO FUCK, CONKERING EARTH. -ADMIN
PROFESSOR RATIGAN (The Great Mouse Detective)
Redeemable: Another royal-deposer and a real motherfucker at that, with no love even for his underlings. Nope!
Does He Fuck: "Carnal release would cause an imbalance of humors that would leave me demotivated and enervated."
Redeemable: Another royal-deposer and a real motherfucker at that, with no love even for his underlings. Nope!
Does He Fuck: "Carnal release would cause an imbalance of humors that would leave me demotivated and enervated."
BILL SYKES (Oliver and Company)
Redeemable: No, this isn't the Dickens story where the ruthless money-grubbing loan shark can fix everything. Jerk to the end.
Does He Fuck: Yes, I suspect Sykes leads a normal life on the side and just doesn't discuss his villainy with his wife.
Redeemable: No, this isn't the Dickens story where the ruthless money-grubbing loan shark can fix everything. Jerk to the end.
Does He Fuck: Yes, I suspect Sykes leads a normal life on the side and just doesn't discuss his villainy with his wife.
URSULA (The Little Mermaid)
Redeemable: I think so? Maybe not by the time the movie starts but it's implied a turning point may have happened when she was a palace sorceress.
Does She Fuck: Not anymore, but she's a volcel now, promises she'll get back to it when she wins.
Redeemable: I think so? Maybe not by the time the movie starts but it's implied a turning point may have happened when she was a palace sorceress.
Does She Fuck: Not anymore, but she's a volcel now, promises she'll get back to it when she wins.
Oh somehow I skipped
MADAME MEDUSA (The Rescuers)
Redeemable: Nah, these movies are about greedy adults exploiting kids, she sucks.
Does She Fuck: Definitely, fucking might actually be a motivation for all this, I suspect she's kinky too.
MADAME MEDUSA (The Rescuers)
Redeemable: Nah, these movies are about greedy adults exploiting kids, she sucks.
Does She Fuck: Definitely, fucking might actually be a motivation for all this, I suspect she's kinky too.
which brings us to
PERCIVAL MCLEACH (The Rescuers Down Under) (seriously it counts)
Redeemable: No way. Dude wants to murder a beautiful endangered bird for a trophy. He probably runs Jimmy John's too.
Does He Fuck: Yeah. But he's done the second he cums and doesn't do foreplay.
PERCIVAL MCLEACH (The Rescuers Down Under) (seriously it counts)
Redeemable: No way. Dude wants to murder a beautiful endangered bird for a trophy. He probably runs Jimmy John's too.
Does He Fuck: Yeah. But he's done the second he cums and doesn't do foreplay.
GASTON (Beauty and the Beast)
Redeemable: No. If he survives the movie he tries years later to rebrand himself as a centrist who's seen the light but he's right back to his bullshit when the grift doesn't pay off.
Does He Fuck: Not nearly as often as he claims.
Redeemable: No. If he survives the movie he tries years later to rebrand himself as a centrist who's seen the light but he's right back to his bullshit when the grift doesn't pay off.
Does He Fuck: Not nearly as often as he claims.
JAFAR (Aladdin)
Redeemable: Jafar is all about manipulating people who can't consent. That's a super bad character trait, folks.
Does He Fuck: No. Not even Jasmine. Dude gets off at the idea of power and views any partner as a trapping or adornment.
Redeemable: Jafar is all about manipulating people who can't consent. That's a super bad character trait, folks.
Does He Fuck: No. Not even Jasmine. Dude gets off at the idea of power and views any partner as a trapping or adornment.
SCAR (The Lion King)
Redeemable: His moment was before the movie. He claims to have all these brains, but his schemes are basic (he's lost after he wins) and isn't interested in HELPING his brother. By the time we meet him he's too far gone.
Does He Fuck: He doesn't know how.
Redeemable: His moment was before the movie. He claims to have all these brains, but his schemes are basic (he's lost after he wins) and isn't interested in HELPING his brother. By the time we meet him he's too far gone.
Does He Fuck: He doesn't know how.
GOVERNOR RATCLIFFE (Well-Intended Afterschool Special by Well-Meaning But Ignorant White Liberals)
Redeemable: He may die and fertilize some pretty plants.
Does He Fuck: He probably has a wife back home but it's probably a real shitty relationship I dunno can do move on?
Redeemable: He may die and fertilize some pretty plants.
Does He Fuck: He probably has a wife back home but it's probably a real shitty relationship I dunno can do move on?
CLAUDE FROLLO (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
Redeemable: lmao not happening
Does He Fuck: holy shit have you seen this movie?
Redeemable: lmao not happening
Does He Fuck: holy shit have you seen this movie?
HADES (Hercules)
Redeemable: Movie Hades clearly hates his job but he's been forced into it by his brother. There was definitely a time he could have turned it around but not with Zeus interfering.
Redeemable (alt): Nope, he's James Woods.
Does He Fuck: Nope, he's James Woods.
Redeemable: Movie Hades clearly hates his job but he's been forced into it by his brother. There was definitely a time he could have turned it around but not with Zeus interfering.
Redeemable (alt): Nope, he's James Woods.
Does He Fuck: Nope, he's James Woods.
SHAN YU (Mulan)
Redeemable: I think he turns out decent if he doesn't ever get sight of that wall, but that's a really iffy question. Dude burns a village, he's pretty bad.
Does He Fuck: Not since he set his sights on destroying China. Not for a long time. His wife weeps.
Redeemable: I think he turns out decent if he doesn't ever get sight of that wall, but that's a really iffy question. Dude burns a village, he's pretty bad.
Does He Fuck: Not since he set his sights on destroying China. Not for a long time. His wife weeps.
CLAYTON (Tarzan)
Redeemable: I have no love for poachers. This dude's McLeach with a better PR firm. Nope.
Does He Fuck: No, he left it all behind to pursue gorillas, he has no time for that anymore. What a dork, fuck this guy.
Redeemable: I have no love for poachers. This dude's McLeach with a better PR firm. Nope.
Does He Fuck: No, he left it all behind to pursue gorillas, he has no time for that anymore. What a dork, fuck this guy.
CARNOTAURUS (Dinosaur)
Redeemable: Preds gonna pred. This is a movie about animals doing animal things. I'm not going to sit here and hold it against this dinosaur for having dinosaur-level intellect.
Do They Fuck: siri do dinosaurs fuck
Redeemable: Preds gonna pred. This is a movie about animals doing animal things. I'm not going to sit here and hold it against this dinosaur for having dinosaur-level intellect.
Do They Fuck: siri do dinosaurs fuck
YZMA (The Emperor's New Groove)
Redeemable: Yes. Yes, definitely. The entire thrust of her character is she ended up this way because her boss treated her like shit, and the movie shows Kuzco doing that.
Does She Fuck: The movie strongly implies she and Kronk do indeed fuck.
Redeemable: Yes. Yes, definitely. The entire thrust of her character is she ended up this way because her boss treated her like shit, and the movie shows Kuzco doing that.
Does She Fuck: The movie strongly implies she and Kronk do indeed fuck.
COMMANDER ROURKE (Atlantis: The Lost Empire)
Redeemable: See Ratcliffe, Governor, colonists aren't redeemable.
Does He Fuck: Not since the first time he logged into /r/MGTOW.
Redeemable: See Ratcliffe, Governor, colonists aren't redeemable.
Does He Fuck: Not since the first time he logged into /r/MGTOW.
CAPTAIN GANTU (Lilo & Stitch)
Redeemable: I'm sure the series/sequels run counter to this, but I've always lumped Gantu into the Just Trying To Do His Goddamn Job category. Doesn't respect humans because he doesn't know what they are.
Does He Fuck: siri do shark aliens fuck
Redeemable: I'm sure the series/sequels run counter to this, but I've always lumped Gantu into the Just Trying To Do His Goddamn Job category. Doesn't respect humans because he doesn't know what they are.
Does He Fuck: siri do shark aliens fuck
skipping the next three, which I haven't seen, we arrive at...
THE ALIENS (Chicken Little)
Redeemable: No need to, the movie is about a misunderstanding and they don't hurt anybody and apologize profusely for causing a ruckus.
Do They Fuck: They have a kid so, probably.
THE ALIENS (Chicken Little)
Redeemable: No need to, the movie is about a misunderstanding and they don't hurt anybody and apologize profusely for causing a ruckus.
Do They Fuck: They have a kid so, probably.
BOWLER HAT GUY (Meet the Robinsons)
Redeemable: Yes, the movie is in large part about this.
Does He Fuck: Once the timeline is fixed, yeah. Before that though, no yikes.
Redeemable: Yes, the movie is in large part about this.
Does He Fuck: Once the timeline is fixed, yeah. Before that though, no yikes.
THE OPEN ROAD SEPARATING BOLT FROM PENNY (Bolt)
Redeemable: There's so much of this beautiful land that makes it redeemable. So many good people just trying to live a life. So many beautiful landscapes. The road is a harsh beauty
Does It Fuck: ...I mean if you WANTED to I guess.
Redeemable: There's so much of this beautiful land that makes it redeemable. So many good people just trying to live a life. So many beautiful landscapes. The road is a harsh beauty
Does It Fuck: ...I mean if you WANTED to I guess.
DR. FACILIER (The Princess and the Frog)
Redeemable: I think Shadow Man just kept going until he was in too deep to get right by his friends on the other side. He could've stopped but not when the movie starts.
Does He Fuck: Of COURSE the voodoo man from New Orleans fucks.
Redeemable: I think Shadow Man just kept going until he was in too deep to get right by his friends on the other side. He could've stopped but not when the movie starts.
Does He Fuck: Of COURSE the voodoo man from New Orleans fucks.
MOTHER GOTHEL (Tangled)
Redeemable: Whole film is driven by her desire for self-preservation at all costs, no matter who she has to destroy and/or gaslight forever. She's a great villain BECAUSE she's so irredeemable.
Does She Fuck: Look at her at the tavern, hell yeah she does.
Redeemable: Whole film is driven by her desire for self-preservation at all costs, no matter who she has to destroy and/or gaslight forever. She's a great villain BECAUSE she's so irredeemable.
Does She Fuck: Look at her at the tavern, hell yeah she does.
CHRISTOPHER ROBIN LEAVING TO GO TO SCHOOL AND PROMISING HE'LL BE "BACKSON" (Winnie the Pooh)
Redeemable: yeah, he comes back.
Does H--: /get out/.
Redeemable: yeah, he comes back.
Does H--: /get out/.
KING CANDY (Wreck-It Ralph)
Redeemable: Honestly I don't even know WHAT his point is, he seems motivated by destruction and power for its own sake and was probably driven nuts by losing his game. Can't be helped.
Does He Fuck: Messed with his own programming so he can.
Redeemable: Honestly I don't even know WHAT his point is, he seems motivated by destruction and power for its own sake and was probably driven nuts by losing his game. Can't be helped.
Does He Fuck: Messed with his own programming so he can.
PRINCE HANS (Frozen)
Redeemable: MAAAAYBE if he hadn't been screwed over by royal succession law or some bullshit? But lmao actually, no. No no no no no.
Does He Fuck: Incel and mad about it.
Redeemable: MAAAAYBE if he hadn't been screwed over by royal succession law or some bullshit? But lmao actually, no. No no no no no.
Does He Fuck: Incel and mad about it.
APPARENTLY THE MASKED GUY IS NAMED YOKAI? BUT ALSO THE GUY UNDER THE MASK (Big Hero 6)
Redeemable: Pure victim of circumstance on one hand, but on the other he didn't give two shits about Tadashi's death because of his quest for revenge.
Does He Fuck: Not like he used to.
Redeemable: Pure victim of circumstance on one hand, but on the other he didn't give two shits about Tadashi's death because of his quest for revenge.
Does He Fuck: Not like he used to.
ASSISTANT MAYOR BELLWETHER (Zootopia)
Redeemable: Good /lord/ no. Should the mayor have treated her better? Yes. Was it worth *GESTURES BROADLY* all this? No.
Does She Fuck: She's pan/poly and has several partners online but they've never met in person. May meet up at HumanCon.
Redeemable: Good /lord/ no. Should the mayor have treated her better? Yes. Was it worth *GESTURES BROADLY* all this? No.
Does She Fuck: She's pan/poly and has several partners online but they've never met in person. May meet up at HumanCon.
TE KA (Moana)
Redeemable: Yes very good this is in fact what the movie Moana is about.
Does She Fuck: No not when she's like this and it's REALLY PISSING HER OFF.
Redeemable: Yes very good this is in fact what the movie Moana is about.
Does She Fuck: No not when she's like this and it's REALLY PISSING HER OFF.
VIRUS-CLONES SYMBOLIZING RALPH'S INSECURITY (Ralph Breaks the Internet)
Redeemable: Yes, Ralph can conquer his weird insecurity that he has for. Some reason. This movie gets really dumb in the last act.
Do They Fuck: Mods deleted BuzzzTube video "WRECK-IT RALPH FUCKS" so no.
Redeemable: Yes, Ralph can conquer his weird insecurity that he has for. Some reason. This movie gets really dumb in the last act.
Do They Fuck: Mods deleted BuzzzTube video "WRECK-IT RALPH FUCKS" so no.
Here, you've reached the end of the thread, throw me a few pennies if you wanna! http://ko-fi.com/gemcitygem
JOHN SILVER AND HIS MUTINOUS CREW (Treasure Planet)
Redeemable: Other than the lobster guy, yes, the movie is about this.
Do They Fuck: "Got me bits blown off by a laser ball on Galaga IX. Never let it stop me, lad. Thar be depraved alien booty in every port, if ye follow."
Redeemable: Other than the lobster guy, yes, the movie is about this.
Do They Fuck: "Got me bits blown off by a laser ball on Galaga IX. Never let it stop me, lad. Thar be depraved alien booty in every port, if ye follow."
DENAHI (Brother Bear)
Redeemable: Yeah, this movie is like two different Redemption Arcs and the real villain is A LACK OF EMPATHY but Denahi is I guess the closest to a villain and he gets redeemed and retires his BLOOD RAGE.
Does He Fuck: god, who cares, this movie sucks shit.
Redeemable: Yeah, this movie is like two different Redemption Arcs and the real villain is A LACK OF EMPATHY but Denahi is I guess the closest to a villain and he gets redeemed and retires his BLOOD RAGE.
Does He Fuck: god, who cares, this movie sucks shit.
ALAMEDA SLIM (Home on the Range)
Redeemable: Nah, not when the movie starts, he's an unapologetic hyper-capitalist asshole out for monopolistic controls. Even his fake alterego says he's into foreclosure, out loud.
Does He Fuck: Of course he does, he's an accomplished yodeler.
Redeemable: Nah, not when the movie starts, he's an unapologetic hyper-capitalist asshole out for monopolistic controls. Even his fake alterego says he's into foreclosure, out loud.
Does He Fuck: Of course he does, he's an accomplished yodeler.
(wow this movie is, really stupid.)
(CW: SPOILERS)
THE LEGACY OF COLONIALISM (Frozen 2)
Redeemable: Historians will try really hard on this one, but nope, the point is to undo it not redeem it.
Does It Fuck?: Not in any sexy ways.
THE LEGACY OF COLONIALISM (Frozen 2)
Redeemable: Historians will try really hard on this one, but nope, the point is to undo it not redeem it.
Does It Fuck?: Not in any sexy ways.