And now, roll up your sleeves and pull up a chair for that kissing thread I promised.

Ground rules: This thread is going to talk about my experiences and some things I think make people better kissers.
It isn't a substitute for consent. It isn't meant to be a monolithic guide.

I've kissed a lot of people over the years, plan to kiss many more in the years to follow. Kissing is fun, and kissing is communication.

In my younger years when I was dating a lot of different people, kissing was often my metric for whether an iffy relationship should continue.

Is that the best method? Eh, YMMV. But it's complicated to teach someone how to be a better kisser while you're in a relationship with them.

Because the bulk of good kissing is communication. It's understanding what the person you're kissing might like. It's consent and trust.

In my experience, a person who is a bad kisser is usually a bad kisser because they are thinking more about themselves than the person they are kissing.
Or they've read too many bad book descriptions of kisses. Princess Bride comes to mind.

I consider kissing to be a tool in your communication toolbox. It is not a tool that should ever be used to express hatred or anger (without consent and negotiation).

As a tool in your toolbox, you need to understand when it's the right time to use what kind of kiss, and how that fits with the person you are kissing.
Understand the tool itself, your mouth, and the surfaces you're applying it to.

Your lips can be like sandpaper or like satin.

The worst kisses I've ever had have all been from people who wouldn't pucker or soften their lips.
No matter how flat or full your lips are, they have teeth backing them. You need to extend your lips (pucker, at least little).

I'll get creepy for a second here. Imagine that your lips are like very sensitive fingertips.
You can do a lot with them, make them soft or stiff or wide or drawn together, manipulate them.

And lips are always meant to cover your teeth, no matter where the kissing/sucking falls.

(Creepy because hopefully you're thinking of your lips as tentacles or fingers now )

The next worst kisses I've had have all been too wet. Too tongue. Too slobber.
Here's a fairly universal trick: Lick your lips and then swallow before you kiss, no matter what kiss it will be.
This gets rid of excess saliva and makes your lips not sandpaper.

Don't stick your tongue in someone's mouth or lick their face (oh god) unless you know they want that.
Want to know if someone wants your tongue in their mouth? One way is to ask.
Another way is to run the tip of your tongue along their lip and see if they open their mouth.

If someone doesn't like the way you kiss them try something fucking different. If you're a one kiss pony then you are the problem.

If you're already in a relationship/intimacy/kissing terms with someone and this is not a first kiss situation, consider kissing things you wouldn't normally.
Where possible, and if your kiss partner is not averse to eye contact, make eye contact while you do.

I love kissing whatever I can reach at the time, especially as I am passing by, or as punctuation while I am doing something else. Shoulders, collar bones, knuckles, that place where the ear curves to the jaw. Foreheads. Nose tips.
Earlobes, knees. The inside of the wrist. Palms.

If the person you are kissing is ticklish and doesn't like to be tickled, then press as firmly as you would if you wanted to make an imprint with your lips. Then it won't tickle.

If they aren't ticklish or like tickles, the lightest ghost of a kiss can be nice.

When you're kissing things that aren't lips, try pressing with the softer inner part of your lip and applying just the smallest bit of suction.
If you have that kind of relationship consent, you can pepper little soft nibbles in between those kisses.

When you're kissing lips, in my experience, the difference between chaste and heated is movement.
If you just press your lips to theirs and no one moves, it's more like a face hug than a kiss.

The trouble is that describing the minuscule movements you'll be doing is literally anything but sexy on its own.

No one wants to read a technical manual that says:
Pucker your lips to 35% fullness, open them just slightly so that you could slip a flat coin in between, press your lips to theirs, while pressed together move your lips open and shut and apply very light suction...
But seriously

And also what do you do with your hands, you want to ask me?
All the movies involve face grabbing.
But that's a power move and it's better not to do it without permission.
Ask, is it ok to hold your face while we kiss (face/hair/collar/lapels)?

Ask if it's ok to push them against a surface, like a wall or counter or even make their head flat against a pillow or whatever.
That will restrict their movement. Make sure it's ok.
Lots of people might not know that's why certain kinds of kisses feel unsafe.

If it isn't ok to restrict their movement while you kiss, rest your hands somewhere, without gripping. On their chest, or shoulders, or small of their back.

Remember to fucking breathe while you kiss.
Panting into someone's mouth isn't usually great.

I (personally) try to be breath-aware, and if you are going to be around someone and kissing them avoid eating anything they're allergic or averse to.
If you can't brush or chew gum, drink a bunch of water.
Honestly, do that anyway, it'll keep your mouth from going dry during.

The first guy I ever kissed told me I was a good kisser and then asked me if I'd practiced on my pillow.
(I'm still mad about it like 17+ years later obviously)
The moral of this anecdote is that observation and communication are as important as practice when it comes to kissing.

If you have consent, if you are with the person you're kissing and getting intimate, incorporate touch into kissing.
Run your fingers through their hair (or grip their hair if they're into that), rub their back or shoulders, interchange fingertips and kisses across them.

Map a star chart with kisses across their body.

Remember that kiss consent does not equal sex consent and that kisses do not have to be sexual in nature.
Your lips are really fucking sensitive and bodies are nice to kiss.

Remember that you need consent to move from kissing lips to kissing bodies.

Lots of people consider hands to be more intimate than some other things, so do not kiss a person's hand like you think you're being a gentleperson unless you have consent to do so.
That's a way a lot of people violate boundaries.

(I'm talking about adult relations mostly here but also remember to kiss your kids. On their heads, on their cheeks, on their lips when they are little, on their cute elbows and adorable ears, teach them that bodies deserve affection)

If you mess up, if they say no, if they pull away, accept the boundary.
Try something different if they still want to be with you.
If you fucked up and kissed when you shouldn't have, back off. Respect the boundary.

Kiss your friends if they are amenable to kissing.
A kiss should not ruin a friendship.

Media representation probably makes it feel like first kisses in particular should be fucking spectacular.
But honestly, if your first kiss is just pretty alright, and they get better with time because you are learning each other, that's exceptional.

(If you're popping in here going BUT ASKING IF I CAN KISS THEM ISN'T SEXY....
well, you're wrong.
and also, can I kiss you/would you like if I/etc might take practice but there's nothing more sexy or attractive than being fucking considerate)

Also, I want to add that i'm not endorsing the idea that you should keep giving bad kisses a chance.
Everyone dings teeth sometimes.
But if you don't match up in other ways, bad (kiss) communication isn't worth it.