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ADHD in relationships, particularly long term relationships: a thread.
I did get a few questions but a lot of them are pretty specific so I’ll save those for the end. First let’s do a quick overview for non-ADHD partners cause I know repetition helps us all remember.
I did get a few questions but a lot of them are pretty specific so I’ll save those for the end. First let’s do a quick overview for non-ADHD partners cause I know repetition helps us all remember.
ADHD is not something you grow out of. It is not developed. It’s not laziness or a bad attitude or lack of discipline. There are 3 subtypes: hyperactive, inattentive and combination (hyperactive + inattentive). ADHD is highly genetic.
If untreated or under-treated ADHD can look like: depression, anxiety, sensory processing disorders, personality disorders, thyroid issues, ocd, narcissism, and a whole bunch of other stuff.
There is a high co-occurrence with ADHD and ASD (autism spectrum disorder), around 30%. Neither is caused by vaccines. Estimates are that ADHD affects between 5-11% of the population, but it’s probably more.
Okay so relationship stuff! ADHDers! How many of you have it have had a hard time getting past the 3 month mark in relationships?
Look at all you results folks just snooping away at that poll. I see you.
You must be the partners, hello. Welcome.
Let me guess, the start of your relationship with your ADHD partner was magical for the first 3-6 months and now some times it feels like they barely look at you?
You must be the partners, hello. Welcome.
Let me guess, the start of your relationship with your ADHD partner was magical for the first 3-6 months and now some times it feels like they barely look at you?
So this is probably the first major hurdle about long term relationships and ADHD. At the beginning, we probably hyperfocus on our partner. New relationship, exciting, basically let’s learn all the things! Super intense feelings! Magical!
Then somewhere around 3-6 months we either get hyperfocused on something else, or we get comfortable enough with our partner that they get inside our bubble.
Now being inside the bubble is a good thing, and a bad thing. It means you’re not dangerous to us, it means you’re part of our safety net. It means you don’t drain us and we probably won’t shut you out. But we might neglect you if we’ve suddenly discovered a new video game.
It’s really hard not to take this neglect personally, I don’t know if it’s any consolation but we’re probably neglecting a lot of stuff, including things that are important to us, basically anything that hasn’t been nailed down into a routine can fly away.
Honestly, you’ve gotta talk. You’ve gotta set expectations. You’ve gotta make rules and boundaries and make them clear to your partner. I know it seems like routines aren’t romantic, but they can be small things that fit together and build romance over time.
Things like always kissing goodnight, always saying “I love you” before one of you leaves, asking them to try not to be on their phone as much for this weekend or this night because it’s important to you, these are easy things to ask for, and we’ll probably be thrilled.
Auditory processing seems to be a point of friction for a few couples and it’s a tough one cause it affects different ADHDers differently.
Some people need to fidget in order to hear better. Some people can’t hear at all if they’re not looking right at you. Some people hear what you said a few seconds after you said it (like our brain is buffering).
Make lists, share lists, there are a kajillion apps out there for family organizing but please write it down somewhere. I promise we are a thousand times more likely to do the thing if we don’t have to rely on our brain to remember it.
Yeah! I also like to prep for conversations by texting during the day about the logistics and then checking in for feelings later. https://twitter.com/charlottemf406/status/1072933023610372096?s=21
I’m imagining a few of you sitting there like “the mess, get to the damn messiness.” 
Well, if there’s a path of least amount of steps that’s where ADHD brains walk. You want coats hung on a hanger in a closet? Why? I can just throw them on the bannister! You may have systems that have too many steps involved.
When it comes to keeping things tidy, it can be efficient or it can be pretty, it’s rarely both. You want systems with the least steps/resistance possible.
Take laundry for example. Does it really need to be folded? Does all of it need to be folded? Is it possible that some items can just be sorted into bins? If the option is bins or pile of clean laundry living in the hamper, are bins good enough?
Big cleaning day?We suck at maintenance cleaning but we are awesome on big cleaning day. Please let us live in one room. Give us the job no one ever wants to do. We will clean the fridge. We will scrub grout with a toothbrush. Reorganize the pantry. Anything to stay in one place.
Every time we change rooms it’s like restarting the computer. You know how when you restart your internet browser only remembers your tabs some of the time? That’s what happens every time. Please let us live in one spot and we will get the biggest, grossest task done.
Now let’s say there’s some maintenance stuff you wish your partner would just do because it’s important to you. It can’t be negotiated, it can’t be put off. Say making the bed.
Communicate that. Literally nothing will improve this thing more than you saying “this is important to me, please help me do this thing.” It’s important to my husband to have certain zones be no-pile zones. I work with that. There’s no secret trick that works better.
You can also gamify it! We use Habitica. Especially if you can get in on the competitiveness it’s really useful!
So a few of the messages I got were basically “is this thing I do ADHD or am I/is my partner weird?”
The answer to all of them is: yes.
ADHD brains are always ADHD brains. We don’t just activate ADHD when we don’t want to do dishes. Our brains were built on ADHD.
The answer to all of them is: yes.
ADHD brains are always ADHD brains. We don’t just activate ADHD when we don’t want to do dishes. Our brains were built on ADHD.
Different things manifest, could be a coping mechanism, could be the way your brain figured out the thing, could be something you picked up from somewhere. But there’s no clear line between “this is just adhd” and “this is just weird”.
I can help with this!
You need to spend time with your wife. Being married is not a guarantee that they’ll be there when you’re done focusing.
Use her getting home as a warning to start wrapping it up. Even if it’s only a few nights a week. Make time. https://twitter.com/dbackmanhunter/status/1072947288039817222?s=21
You need to spend time with your wife. Being married is not a guarantee that they’ll be there when you’re done focusing.
Use her getting home as a warning to start wrapping it up. Even if it’s only a few nights a week. Make time. https://twitter.com/dbackmanhunter/status/1072947288039817222?s=21
Also, I strongly recommend that you also try knitting, or crochet, or embroidery. Did you know you can knit chainmail? Seriously, give yourself something to do with your hands with her.
For partners of someone with ADHD: it is so important that you do research, and that you talk to us about ADHD openly. Being quiet about it makes it seem like it’s just our problem to deal with and we’re always bugging you or making excuses.
Also when we get overwhelmed, when we’re over/under medicated, when we haven’t eaten, the first thing that goes out the window is our ability to connect the dots. We need your outside eyes to help us spot patterns if new ones are developing.
This may not seem romantic, but schedule sex. We’re talking long term relationships here. Do what works for you but my brain loves a set sex day and a “surprise sex” day every week ;)
Also this, you’re going to have to drop the “If you really loved me/them, you’d remember” mentality. I really love my cat but she has to remind me to feed her. https://twitter.com/jrjohnraeder/status/1072952071303954446?s=21
Sounds like rejection sensitive dysphoria kicking in?
Is it possible to postpone instead of cancel and at least get in some quality cuddling instead? Would that help? https://twitter.com/connorlightbody/status/1072953523019677696?s=21
Is it possible to postpone instead of cancel and at least get in some quality cuddling instead? Would that help? https://twitter.com/connorlightbody/status/1072953523019677696?s=21
Yes! Use the app with them. Don’t just be like “hey you need this app go get your life together.” Start using it yourself and direct them to it. Keep the grocery list in there. When they ask a question that’s answered in the app tell them to check the app. https://twitter.com/queuelessness/status/1072960184727846912?s=21
This is a common coping mechanism. If it helps, try to rewire your brain to accept 80% adherence instead of 100%. Allow yourself and others a couple mulligans once in a while. https://twitter.com/queuelessness/status/1072960184727846912?s=21
I have to go to work now but I’ll do a follow up for questions later!
Most of these should apply to two ADHDers in a relationship together, but if there’s anything specific going on drop me a line. DMs are open for anonymity as well!
Most of these should apply to two ADHDers in a relationship together, but if there’s anything specific going on drop me a line. DMs are open for anonymity as well!
Oops, almost forgot. If you want to go down the rabbit hole, here’s a bunch more ADHD stuff! https://twitter.com/i/moments/1057678650206605312
