I don't believe in celibacy.

Humans are mammals who are not meant to be alone. Celibacy hurts us. Being in the closet hurts us.

And so it was difficult to hold these two facts at once: something that denied their humanity had saved them.

But it was society's denial of their humanity that put them in danger. We could have treated AIDS ~years sooner. But the sick men weren't seen as being worthy of saving because they were gay.

Rooms and rooms, queer space upon queer space empty of an entire generation because we did not value their humanity.

At some point, Heather turned to me. "We're the only gay women in this room right now," she said. "Get on your phone, get some others here!"

I just looked at her. "I... can't," I said.

"Sure you can."

"No, you don't understand. There isn't anyone to call."

"Where are the other gay Mormon women?" She asked. "Don't tell me there aren't any."

I just stared at her in horror.

There are gay mormon women.

But most stay closeted. Most stay in their mixed orientation marriages. They don't come to events for support.

I thought of a secret FB group I'm in. Of the women, desperate, suicidal, who won't leave their marriages because they don't want to hurt or embarrass their husbands.

Female pain in Mormon culture means nothing next to male discomfort.

The "important" queer Mormon voices?

They are almost always male.

(Tell me. Who is an important Queer Mormon you know?)

And so I found myself in a room. Empty of women. Because our humanity wasn't seen as important.

Heather got super upset. We had to make an excuse to leave.

I don't know how to fix this.

I'll keep telling stories. It's the only thing I can think to do.