Read on Twitter
I’m gonna start a thread of the shit my patients say
“I’m done fornicating with women”
Male patient flexing:
“Touch my man boobies”
“Touch my man boobies”
“Kiss me daddy”
“I’d rather be in jail, at least I get fucked there”
“Good morning what’s your name?”
“God”
“God”
“Do you have a roommate?”
“Ya he’s Jesus Christ or something”
“Ya he’s Jesus Christ or something”
“I need to get a rope and ride you like a horse”
“I had half a hard apple cider the other day, satan was sitting down the bar from me”
“Where at?”
“PF Chang’s”
“Where at?”
“PF Chang’s”
Patient to me:
“Get ready I want to see how you throw down.”
“Get ready I want to see how you throw down.”
“You better not laugh cus you look like you haven’t gotten it in awhile”
“Hey mom I’m with my best friend Britni, I’m just visiting.” @bbartolomucci
Every time I do checks im chased around the unit by a manic patient who doesn’t even take breaths between his sentences and keeps touching me
Me: “how are you doing?”
Patient: “oh just starving for attention”
relatable
Patient: “oh just starving for attention”
relatable
Me: “hi who’s in there?”
Angry patient: “UR DAD”
Me:
Angry patient: “UR DAD”
Me:
A psychotic patient was just running through the halls and ran directly into our unit door and flopped
Then I asked him why he was running and he said “I was looking for love.”
“I can’t put on a shirt, I have tits”
“I need a sex change like I need a hole in the head.”
This is a fixed delusion of one of my fav patients and we talk about it every day but it goes nowhere
This is a fixed delusion of one of my fav patients and we talk about it every day but it goes nowhere
“God damn you might be the most annoying person ever, but you have a beautiful voice” @bbartolomucci
Reading through an assessment and found a gem..... The patient was asked to list 3 positive statements about themself:
“I’m white, I’m a republican, and I love america”
“I’m white, I’m a republican, and I love america”
First thing I see walking into a patient room lmao I love my sick little adults
“I’m grateful for all dogs”
Patient: “fuck you”
Coworker: “not in your wildest dreams”
Coworker: “not in your wildest dreams”
Patient: “is @bbartolomucci coming today?”
Me: “ya she is”
Patient: “YES, I COULD TWERK FOR THAT IM SO HAPPY”
#guessthatpatient
Me: “ya she is”
Patient: “YES, I COULD TWERK FOR THAT IM SO HAPPY”
#guessthatpatient
my sick lil patient’s signature is relatable
“Eat shit and die you worthless cunt”
“I told you I’m not crazy, I just played crazy so you could get wealthy”
“I’m opening my own psych ward downtown and I’m actually gonna do my job” *walks away pissed cus I didn’t give him what I want*
“My mom wants to talk to the owner of this place .... does he have Facebook?
“My mom wants to talk to the owner of this place .... does he have Facebook?
93 year old patient in the middle of complaining about not being able to breathe: “she has a great set of tits.”
“I told you, I speak psychosis.” - @bbartolomucci
Patient just offered $1000 to let him leave
Happy Easter from the psych floor
Happy Easter part 2
Some people are nice
Patients breakfast tray this morning
“I’m here because I was set up, I’m not a fruit loop”
Me: “okay see ya later”
Patient: “fuck you”
Me: “you just told me you like me!”
Patient angrily: “I do”
Patient: “fuck you”
Me: “you just told me you like me!”
Patient angrily: “I do”
Psych unit art
Finding old tweets from before I started the thread lmaaaooo https://twitter.com/caaitlyn_41/status/994354822219534341?s=21
Patient: “I’m sorry for trying to punch you”
Not even 30 seconds later: “fuck you, you pussy ass white boy” *proceeds to spit with a spit mask on*
Not even 30 seconds later: “fuck you, you pussy ass white boy” *proceeds to spit with a spit mask on*
Patient: “so you’d raise your son to kiss other football players if he wanted?”
Today a patient got the best of me on a fight for the first time in two years that I’ve been working and it was a 12 year old ........................
“I’m the straight coke god ... cocaine god of Cairo ... inherited from great god king tut”
Someone peeled off their big toenail and put it on the shelf in the nurses station cus they wanted a podiatrist to clip their nails .................................... 
Patient: “You’re the nastiest hoe I’ve ever met”
Me: “You don’t even know my name”
Patient:
Me: “You don’t even know my name”
Patient:
Same patient form previous tweet:
*chucks plate of food at me”
Patient 2 minutes later: “give me some fucking food”
*chucks plate of food at me”
Patient 2 minutes later: “give me some fucking food”
Me: “hey you need anything”
Patient: *incoherent*
Me: “I’m sorry did u say yes or no?”
Patient: “yes or no? You ignorant racist bitch, I’ll beat your ass.”
Patient: *incoherent*
Me: “I’m sorry did u say yes or no?”
Patient: “yes or no? You ignorant racist bitch, I’ll beat your ass.”
When a psychotic paranoid patient says “I trust you”
“If I swallowed a spider would someone need to rip it out and sew me back up?
.
.
.
“I have 5 spiders in my heart I wish I could see them.”
.
.
.
“I have 5 spiders in my heart I wish I could see them.”
The Duality of Psych Patients (2019)
“Invega is for S E X. If I take it and they send me to warren it’s going to be in my system for 2-4 weeks and I’m gonna be sex crazed! I’ll want to have sex with all the women!”
Working the kids unit is okay sometimes
@bbartolomucci : “you exposed your breasts so ya there needs to be consequences.”
Patient: “is that a rule?”
Patient: “is that a rule?”
My fav kid patient 
A patient just said I’m “tragically hip” and like .... yes
Me and @bbartolomucci taking kids to the timeout room
6 year old yelling to all the other kids: “MISS BRITNI IS CRYING AGAIN.” @bbartolomucci
Today I was given a pooping dog drawing
Sweet
Me after a kid that I’ve told to stop running 10x eats shit in the hallway after running
Playing music for the kids and so far we’ve had requests for MCR and Owl City
“Yo where’s the nearest Jamba Juice?”
Honestly, ya
“I swear there’s a ghost in here, it smells like lasagna”
“What state do you live in?”
Kid: *shrugs*
“What town do you live in?”
K: “Niles”
“So what state is that in?”
K: “America”
Kid: *shrugs*
“What town do you live in?”
K: “Niles”
“So what state is that in?”
K: “America”
Sitting with a patient for 5 minutes:
“I’m taking my clothes off. Do you care?”
“You fucking bitch, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you that”
“Here’s your god damn socks, shove them up your ass”
“I’m going to suffocate myself”
“I’m taking my clothes off. Do you care?”
“You fucking bitch, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you that”
“Here’s your god damn socks, shove them up your ass”
“I’m going to suffocate myself”
Let the kids play w my hair for an hour :) my scalp burns cus they don’t understand soft hands but it’s cool
All day at work like https://twitter.com/ksboswell/status/1216002768655257603?s=21 https://twitter.com/KSBoswell/status/1216002768655257603
Patient: “are you having a baby?”
RN: “Yes!”
Patient: “oh okay, I though you were just overweight.”
RN: “Yes!”
Patient: “oh okay, I though you were just overweight.”
Me all day while teenage girls try to fuck w me
I’ve never wanted to fight a teenager that looks like this more than today
Never thought my job would take me to telling a 12 year old boy that he needs to wipe his ass better
Said 12 year old tried to beat my ass today ........... embarrassing
When a kid comes out of the shower immediately after going in
https://twitter.com/jmarsico_/status/1250950725426991104?s=21 https://twitter.com/jmarsico_/status/1250950725426991104
https://twitter.com/jmarsico_/status/1250950725426991104?s=21 https://twitter.com/jmarsico_/status/1250950725426991104
I know u didn’t even have time to scrub ur ass, get back in there
Nice
I can’t listen to juice world anymore I can’t do it ..... it’s all these little fuckers listen to
Kid after calling someone a bitch: “she called me names”
@bbartolomucci : “okay what names did she call you”
Kid: “.......she called me little”
@bbartolomucci : “okay what names did she call you”
Kid: “.......she called me little”
Worked 17 hours today and for the last 5 hours of that I had to contain 13 kids that all hate each other
12 year old telling me why her and her mom aren’t getting along: “I’m goth and she’s a christian”
When ur being verbally assaulted by a mom but there’s nothing u can do about it cus ur not a doctor or in control of their schedule but it’s still ur fault so u have to keep apologizing and u still don’t know where the doctor is @bbartolomucci
Yesterday on the unit we were listening to music and someone asked me to play we fell in love in october by girl in red and I was like “aw I like that song” so one of them asks “do you listen to girl in red or do you LISTEN to girl in red?”
My answer, “yes”
My answer, “yes”
So today one of them was begging me for something dumb and I kept saying no and they asked “pretty please with sugar on top?” still a no and they were like “and I thought u were gay .... ur not gonna do it for sugar on top??”
50% of my job is getting dragged and read for filth by teenagers
Kid has been on the unit for 5 days and just realized it’s the psych unit
Me “so why tf are you back?”
14y/o girl “I was stealing tr*mp signs out of people’s yards because I fucking hate him and my mom called the cops”
14y/o girl “I was stealing tr*mp signs out of people’s yards because I fucking hate him and my mom called the cops”
10 y/o boy with an attitude: “it’s not my fault she looks like humpty dumpty”
Playing vines to go along with the teenage girls conversations
I think they hate me but I’m going to keep doing it anyways
Kid: “can we do group?”
Me: “what? No? We’re watching shrek dude”
Me: “what? No? We’re watching shrek dude”
One of the kids just asked me if I’m a “stud” and idk how to feel???
A girl stormed to her room because another girl told her she’s “on straight TikTok” which pissed her off cus she doesn’t want to be associated with “straight TikTok”
8 y/o: “I HOPE YOU GET FIRED”
Me: “YA ME TOO”
Me: “YA ME TOO”
Every FUCKING DAY I find half a grilled cheese on the floor after my patient said they ate it but OBVIOUSLY THEY DIDNT
On the adult unit today...
Patient: “can u check if any of my meds would make me flacid as a side effect?”
Me: “ya u gotta ask a nurse”
Patient: “can u check if any of my meds would make me flacid as a side effect?”
Me: “ya u gotta ask a nurse”
10 year old kid was talking about going to the military then said “well if Biden is president then girls can’t have guns so I can’t do that” 
Some of these kids on the unit have more political insight than my coworkers
Nice
Had to talk to a kids grandma (who is literally the fucking worse) and told me she found “satanic items” in the kids bedroom then proceeded to describe tarot cards and body piercings...........
Not one of my patients calling herself a dyke then saying WE need to look out for each other even though I never mentioned being gay 
Found a fun note when reading some charts
Kid: sorry all the music I like is depressing or gay
Me: my 2 favorite genres
Me: my 2 favorite genres
Kid: what’s your favorite part of working here?
Me: getting paid
Me: getting paid
Kid: what’s weed?
Other kid: it’s just a cigar
Me: yep that’s right
Other kid: it’s just a cigar
Me: yep that’s right
3 years ago today...... this was peak adult unit fuckery and I kinda miss it 
60 year old dude is wearing his mask like a kippah and keeps saying he wants to hump the wall......
Patient1: I’m gonna get tiktok famous once I go home
Patient2: ya if u don’t kill urself first
These assholes are on it tonight wtf
Patient2: ya if u don’t kill urself first
These assholes are on it tonight wtf
3x tonight random things have fallen off shelves or moved on their own and one of the kids keeps sitting up on the edge of their bed just staring off and not responding so looks like I’m gonna have to quit
I’m gonna start putting stuff from clinical in this thread cus I’m at school more than work now...........
