thinking about depression, anxiety, ADHD, and other neuroatypicalities in the context of ppl who are *always late*.

in high school my middle sister made me late every day. she always changed her outfit or hair at the last moment because she was dissatisfied with her appearance. she was deeply anxious and it never got addressed.

i took that shit personally. i was 16,17. didn’t have any other perspective on it. and she didn’t have other skills. i resented the fuck out of her.

my mom is only on time for work and work related shit. she’s late to literally everything. doctor appointments, my grandfather’s funeral, her own birthday gathering. she’s an effective time manager — but not when it comes to her own personal shit. her time issues suggest ADHD.

i have bipolar 1. ever since i was maybe 7 or 8 i have struggled with major depressive episodes. these episodes include anxiety, severe lack of motivation, and an inability to complete small tasks. including activities of daily living. i can’t always get places on time.

i have learned to factor in how long it really takes to get myself ready. am i doing makeup? add 7 minutes. do i have to layer my clothes? add 5. exfoliating in the shower? add 7. i have to do a lot of accommodating myself if i’m not going to rush about.

for someone who doesn’t struggle with these issues around time management/ lateness it’s easy to be like, “if you show up on time it means you respect the other person!”

inot that simple. sometimes the other person makes you anxious because they’re “together.” you’re not.

when i was traveling to NYC for work regularly, i only packed my “best” clothes so i wouldn’t stress myself out about how i looked. it took less time to pack strategically than it did to pack for all the what if scenarios and have a meltdown.

i bring this up because people fucking with your time is absolutely frustrating. it’s sometimes costly. it’s almost always insulting. it’s not always *personal*, though.

i love my mom. she’s never on time. i lied to her about my surgery time so i didn’t have to worry about being late.

we were *early* and it was great.
she didn’t even question my time change because she knows herself, lol.

i don’t know the best conversations to have with people about lateness. “your lateness sends a message that you don’t wanna be here,” sounds pretty harmless to me. but who’s to say your best friend will take it that way?

“i’m worried that you’re late a lot. is there something i can do to help?” might be good.

but if they’re mid-depressive episode and their house is a mess and they can never find their fucking keys this is gonna be torturous.

i don’t got all the answers! neither do you! sometimes people shut down because they’re obsessing over how bad they are for being late. or for having a hair out of place. or for having an applesauce stain on their shirt because kids. whatever it is.

so here’s how i help myself when i have to head out:

- google map that shit a day or several hours ahead my intended departure time.
- think about the weather and get an idea of what to wear. choose from 3 outfits max to avoid choice overwhelm.
- be realistic about prep time.

my methods aren’t failsafe. but they help a lot. and i always feel/ look put together when i go do something. it takes a lot of work to get out of my bed some days.

sometimes the elaborate routine before you leave the house can calm you. makes it easier to feel secure out in the world.

another thing that helped me: planning a capsule wardrobe. with fewer options for “everyday” looks, i spent less time pacing and worrying.

so, yeah. that’s what i think about neuroatypical folks and punctuality. back to your leftover plates and shopping and shit.

an addendum: some people need the support of a behavioral health professional. no matter how thoroughly family, partners, and friends understand, we are not professionals. it’s unethical to rely on non-professionals in the ways you would a paid professional.

unethical and damaging to the relationship in the long run. please be thoughtful about how much you take on.

by virtue of proximity, family & partners have the most & closest interactions with folks who need support. family & partners need their own caregivers, too.

and, for fuck’s sake, learn how to work with your limitations. whomever you are in this equation. accommodate yourself first. that’s not the same thing as poorly managing your time/ emotions and asking folks to just deal.

there’s an update I need to make to this thread because COVID anxiety and depression are fucking with ppl.