I don't mean to be needlessly controversial but we need to talk about Postman Pat. That guy is utterly incompetent & I'm so sick of his bullshit. Any other job & he'd be sacked. He delivers like one parcel a day. ONE! And it takes him all day, even when he uses one of the

surprising number of vehicles available to him, the van, the boat, the helicopter?! How is it cost effective to deliver one parcel in a helicopter? Ben, the Depot Manager is the most patient man in the whole world. Every day he calls Pat on his mobile & EVERY DAY Pat answers...

"Special Delivery Service, Pat Clifton speaking" & not once has Ben ever said "Pat, you have caller ID mate, you know it's me, WHO THE FUCK ELSE WOULD IT BE PAT?!"
Also, every day Ben clearly asks "How soon can you get here?" & again, Every. Single. Day. Pat answers cheerfully

"I'm on my way!" THAT DOESN'T ANSWER THE FUCKING QUESTION PAT!! He clearly asked WHEN you'd arrive Pat!! Yesterday he delivered a load of crockery, it wasn't wrapped or boxed so his plan was 'to drive slowly'. Guess what happened, yep, he broke a plate. Inevitable Pat!! Today he

delivered an unsealed bee hive. UNSEALED! Did any of the bees escape? Of course they fucking did! ALL of them. Why hasn't he been sacked?! Why?! I have some theories but I'll save them for my full exposé on this maniac. One week he actually got his head stuck in a tree (below).

Alf was in like a shot of course as you can see. I don't blame Pat for that obviously, that's on Alf, but Jesus Pat, how do you get yourself in these ridiculous situations? Is he trying to get himself sacked? He must be. The whole village had to get him out, I suspect they're

absolutely sick of his shit too. You can tell by their faces. He should be going through the Royal Mail disciplinary process & I can't believe HR haven't forced Ben's hand & given him a written warning at least.

Unrelated. I've only had 3 hours sleep.

So this morning Pat had to deliver a book. One book. Simple right? No! This is Pat we're talking about. First of all he ran out of petrol so he borrows a horse(?!) which he immediately loses, the absolute cock. It also ran off with his mobile phone. Ben had to leave the..

...depot & come rescue him. (Made easier by the fact Ben tracks his mobile to continuously monitor his location. I thought this was micromanagement because of Pat's incompetence but now I think Ben is actually just a creepy, bad danger stalker). They eventually find the horse...

...deliver the book MASSIVELY late & then at the end Pat shouts "Mission Accomplished!" with a triumphant two thumbs up!! I hate him so much.