A ghost who lives in your house but all they do is rearrange your fridge magnets to spell out self care and helpful messages

You go downstairs in the morning, reach to open the door and pull out some juice

DONT FORGET YOU HAVE A DOCTOR APPOINTMENT AT 2 say the fridge magnets

Then they wiggle and slide around

ALSO YOURE ALMOST OUT OF ICE CREAM YOU SHOULD PICK UP SOME TODAY

Next morning

YOU WERE SLEEPING POORLY SO I TURNED DOWN THE TEMPERATURE SOME

ALSO I STARTED YOUR COFFEE

Afternoon trip to the fridge

DONT FORGET TO HAVE SOME WATER TODAY

AND DONT WORK SO LATE THIS EVENING

After a Tinder date leaves

I DONT LIKE HIM HE KEPT INTERRUPTING YOU

ALSO WHEN YOU WERE OUT OF THE ROOM HE MADE A MEAN FACE AT THE CAT

After a stressful several days in politics the ghost leaves

I AM GOING TO DELETE TWITTER OFF YOUR PHONE SOON IT'S MAKING YOU SAD

HERE

I LOADED UP A CARTOON ON NETFLIX AND BROUGHT DOWN THE FUZZY BLANKET FROM UPSTAIRS

SORRY I SCARED YOU WITH THE LOUD THUMP YESTERDAY I WAS TRYING TO ALPHABETIZE YOUR BOOKS AND DROPPED ONE

One morning the fridge just says
HEY

then the letters move slowly, hesitantly

I SAW YOU LOOKING AT DRESSES ONLINE AND CRYING LAST NIGHT

another slow rearrangement

I THINK YOU WOULD BE PRETTY IN THE BLUE ONE

ITS OKAY

When the dress arrives you panic and leave it in the package for several days.

Eventually the package is moved to the top of your dresser, still sealed.

THE CAT WAS CHEWING ON IT says the fridge

TAKE YOUR TIME

The night you eventually try it on, you only manage to look in the mirror for maybe 30 seconds before sobbing and pulling the dress off, throwing it deep into a closet. You don't look at the fridge. You go straight to bed.

The next morning the dress is on a hangar in the closet, smoothed out. It isn't prominent, just cared for.

I THOUGHT YOU LOOKED NICE

IM SORRY IT HURTS

A couple days of moping and anxiety later

I NOTICED YOU HAVENT SEEN YOUR THERAPIST LATELY

MAYBE THAT WOULD HELP?

Your therapist books you for a couple weeks out. You're angry a lot. You throw the fridge magnets in a box. You want to be left alone.

You don't hear from the ghost.

The therapist appointment helps. You don't solve anything but it gives you a place to cry and be listened to.

You put the magnets up before bed.

The next morning they say IM SORRY I MADE YOU MAD

You lean against the kitchen counter and quietly say you weren't mad at them. Just at the world and at yourself.

WHY

because the world is scary and hard.

WHY YOURSELF

because you want things that are impossible.

the magnets don't move for a moment

NO

no?

NOT IMPOSSIBLE. JUST HARD.

You start to feel angry again. You breathe like your therapist reminded you about.

You change the subject. You ask where the ghost went.

YOU SEEMED TO WANT SPACE

you did. Or, you thought you did. But it ended up just making it hurt more.

I WORRIED IT MIGHT BUT DIDNT WANT TO FORCE IT

thanks, you say.

After a moment you ask WHERE they went

I CANT LEAVE THE HOUSE. I WENT TO THE ATTIC.

the attic?

YOU DONT GO THERE. I DIDNT WANT TO SPY.

...what I do, you ask quietly

I CANT TELL YOU

what would you do, then

I DONT KNOW
ITS NOT THE SAME
IM NOT LIKE YOU

like me how?

ALIVE

but you were once

I GUESS
I DONT REMEMBER

how long have you been here?

DONT KNOW
TIME WORKS WEIRD LIKE THIS

why are you here?

RIGHT NOW?
BECAUSE I CARE

I'm scared, you say after a long silence

OF WHAT

that if I change things will be hard

The letters hesitate for a moment. Then they slowly slide into place

IT SEEMS LIKE THINGS ARE ALREADY HARD

you start crying again

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME SAD the fridge spells out once you've finished crying

What? you ask

I DONT KNOW WHO I AM
I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MYSELF

that is sad, you agree

I FEEL THINGS SOMETIMES BUT IT ISNT THE SAME

the letters start rearranging faster as the ghost keeps needing letters that are already in use

I DONT WANT THINGS
I DONT HAVE A SENSE OF ME
I DONT KNOW WHAT IS LIKE ME OR NOT LIKE ME
I DONT HAVE A STYLE OR A PERSONALITY OR A STORY TO TELL ABOUT MYSELF
IM NOT

the letters stop

..not coherent? you ask quietly

YEAH

you feel a ball of anxiety in your gut. Its been there for months. It feels like it is pulsing there, like a second heartbeat.

You know the feeling, you say quietly

ITS NOT A GOOD FEELING

no, it isn't

A long silence.

I HAVE TO BE THIS WAY
YOU DONT

you don't respond. Tears are threatening again and you can't bring yourself to speak.

Another long silence. You wonder if the ghost has left.

You hear a soft creak upstairs.

A minute later a white hanger with a blue dress floats into the kitchen, hooking onto the door to rest.

The letters rearrange again

YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A GHOST

It's a few minutes later. You went into the washroom to change: the ghost told you when it first started speaking to you that it stayed out of those rooms, that they were private.

You're in the kitchen, in the blue dress. You feel tall and misshapen and ridiculous. And also the ball inside your stomach hurts just a little bit less.

You ask how you look.

GOOD

good? You snort. You look like a cried-out, awkward mess.

YOU LOOK ALIVE

It's a week later. You just got back from therapy again. The tea kettle has the low rumble that means it will begin whistling any moment. A mug with a bag of something flowery sits ready.

WELCOME HOME, the magnets say

you're being really nice lately, you reply

YOUVE HAD A HARD WEEK

you snort quietly.

DID THERAPY HELP

some, you say. they gave you some resources, at least.

IM PROUD OF YOU

thanks, you say quietly.

The kettle whistles

It's a month later.

You left out a list of names you got from baby name websites.

Every morning the fridge greets you with a GOOD MORNING and one of the names from the list so you can see how it feels.

After about three weeks you came downstairs, saw the fridge, and felt a pang in your chest.

Do that one again, you whispered.

Every morning since then, the name hasn't changed. It feels weird. But good.

Life is scarier than it was a few months ago. You still don't know where you're going, or what you're doing. You talk to the ghost late into the night sometimes, fears and hopes and anxieties pouring out of you until you're empty. They're a good listener.

Life can be hard. Not everyone understands as you share your new name, as your wardrobe changes, as your priorities shift. Some old friends leave. Some new friends appear.

The ghost doesn't leave.

As the months go on, the hard things feel less hard. They're still difficult, but you find that facing obstacles isn't as scary when you have a sense of who you are. And sometimes you think its kind of nice, to know you've done things that are scary and made it through.

You and the ghost have a routine, now.

When you get dressed and prepped for the day, you always stop in the kitchen. You do a slow turn, a complete rotation, arms spread wide.

How do I look? you ask the room.

YOU LOOK ALIVE, the ghost always replies.

Day by day, you realize that you feel it, too.

It's good to be alive.

THE END

@threadreaderapp unroll

I'm so glad to see so many people connecting with this and sharing the feelings and vulnerability with me. Thank you.

I can't say enough how beautiful a present this was to receive. Thank you, @ThatJosieQuinn

Hi!! Adding this exciting news to the end of the story thread. "Ghosts" is being published in Transcendent 4: The Year's Best Transgender Speculative Fiction, edited by @bogiperson and published by @lethepress, coming this year! https://twitter.com/bogiperson/status/1134181780339253248?s=19

Thank you so much @dotty_p, this is lovely and heartaching. https://twitter.com/dotty_p/status/1186630527434051585?s=19

Today is the one year anniversary of Ghosts first being written and posted. I can't express enough how honoured and touched I am by the reception it has gotten over the last year.

Thank you to everyone who has read it and shared it, and especially thank you to anyone who has told me how much it has meant to them. That I've been able to tap into so many hard, powerful, and hopeful feelings for so many has meant the world to me.

Fittingly, last night I received my copy of Transcendent 4 which contains the revised, print-ready version of Ghosts. It's the first time any of my writing has been professionally published in any capacity and my heart feels so full. https://twitter.com/Azure_Husky/status/1192631523641573377?s=19

Sincerely, thanks to everyone who shared Ghosts and helped it find its audience. (special thanks to @slntknght who made and shared the Facebook-friendly screenshots that caused Ghosts to find a bogglingly wide audience there) You helped this happen and it means so much.

Happy Pride/Wrath month!

This year I was supposed to perform my first-ever live reading of Ghosts at our local Pride. Instead, I recorded it for everyone. Between the many takes of recording and the captioning, it's a labour of love.

You look alive.

Josephine has updated this art and I'm full of emotions https://twitter.com/JosephineABaird/status/1329127708861870080?s=19