For all the brave souls who have been up all night pretending to understand the American electoral system, here are a few factoids about the British system you might not have known:

In England and Wales, we vote by going to the nearest woods, finding the tallest oak tree and burying our ballots in holes beneath them. One year later, we send a ballot pig to collect them and he is rewarded with truffles and hay for each vote he retrieves.

If it’s a hung parliament, the winner is decided by each of the contending parties reassembling in the Houses of Parliament. The first party to accurately line up by height gets to form the next government.

In the United Kingdom, elections are held approximately every seven and a half minutes, with the mysterious winner ‘Don’t Know’ conceding victory on every vote. Elections are officially called by an elderly woman in Bristol called Brenda, whose job is to feign surprise & despair.

Before a new prime minister is appointed, they must make a ceremonial cup of tea from the water in the Thames and serve it to their favourite Spice Girl, who must declare it to be a decent brew. This ritual is broadcast live & narrated by David Attenborough.

In order to formally form a coalition with a minority party, the party of government must offer a large, conspicuous bribe & a lock of the prime minister’s hair. While the money is real, this is a purely symbolic act and does not guarantee a cooperative partnership.

Finally, if a confidence vote is called, or the previous leader resigns (which has not happened in over a century) a new party leader is decided by a game of conkers adjudicated by fictional bear & London socialite, Paddington.

One more for the road: all election results, advisory or not, are enforced by a nobleman named Will of the People, who rides the land on a white steed playing the horn and proclaiming to all: “you lost! Get over it!”