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Rules for surviving horror movies:
1. listen to the most freaked out person & take them seriously
2. When a child tells you something improbable, do not disregard it
3. Do a double take on anyone who seems too good to be true
4. Keep cats or dogs
1. listen to the most freaked out person & take them seriously
2. When a child tells you something improbable, do not disregard it
3. Do a double take on anyone who seems too good to be true
4. Keep cats or dogs
5. Don't keep dogs or cats. They can be easily possessed. It's a tough call.
6. If any creature dies DO NOT TRY TO BRING THEM BACK
7. Never read out loud ancient texts
6. If any creature dies DO NOT TRY TO BRING THEM BACK
7. Never read out loud ancient texts
8. If you find a puzzle box, don't solve it.
9. Antique dolls & mirrors are to be avoided
10. Don't piss off gypsies
11. If you open a chamber that should have been empty for hundreds of years, but there are lit fires, shut the door & leave.
9. Antique dolls & mirrors are to be avoided
10. Don't piss off gypsies
11. If you open a chamber that should have been empty for hundreds of years, but there are lit fires, shut the door & leave.
12. Don't "have to see it for yourself". Just don't.
14. Skip the number 13.
15. Listen to old people. They know shit.
16. Never take a souvenir from a haunted house
17. Just don't go to haunted houses
14. Skip the number 13.
15. Listen to old people. They know shit.
16. Never take a souvenir from a haunted house
17. Just don't go to haunted houses
18. Kids are creepy. Watch them.
19. If you wake up from a dream w dream related injuries, don't ignore it
20. Don't buy something that's super cheap but really valuable, especially if the seller seems desperate
21. Don't fuck w seances or ouija boards
19. If you wake up from a dream w dream related injuries, don't ignore it
20. Don't buy something that's super cheap but really valuable, especially if the seller seems desperate
21. Don't fuck w seances or ouija boards
22. Don't investigate strange noises
23. Double tap the monster. Always.
24. If locals say to stay away from a place, stay away.
25. Never, ever go to camp crystal lake
26. Don't take any treasures guarded by skeletons
23. Double tap the monster. Always.
24. If locals say to stay away from a place, stay away.
25. Never, ever go to camp crystal lake
26. Don't take any treasures guarded by skeletons
27. If you find a weapon, don't put it down, even if you think the monster may be dead. See #23
28. Never make a hypothetical deal w the devil. Not even for fun, also avoid the phrase, "I'd sell my soul for a ___"
29. NO MONKEY PAW.
30. Never say, "c'mon, it'll be fine."
28. Never make a hypothetical deal w the devil. Not even for fun, also avoid the phrase, "I'd sell my soul for a ___"
29. NO MONKEY PAW.
30. Never say, "c'mon, it'll be fine."
31. Stay out of graves & tombs.
32. If you're digging & you find anything that shouldn't be there, bury it the fuck back up.
33. Pay attention to coincidences. Authors love for you to ignore that shit to be tripped up by it later.
34. Leave the holy grail alone.
32. If you're digging & you find anything that shouldn't be there, bury it the fuck back up.
33. Pay attention to coincidences. Authors love for you to ignore that shit to be tripped up by it later.
34. Leave the holy grail alone.
35. Always assume clowns are evil. Juuuuust a precaution.
36. Avoid carnies.
37. Avoid redneck zombie torture cultists.
38. If someone asks you to make a sacrifice, assume they are being literal.
36. Avoid carnies.
37. Avoid redneck zombie torture cultists.
38. If someone asks you to make a sacrifice, assume they are being literal.
39. Never take the short cut.
40. Avoid getting directions from people near your destination Trust your maps. Because their local gods might just be hungry.
41. Assume dead bodies are unsafe.
42. Never stand laughing over a defeated foe.
43. Don't buy drugs from strangers.
40. Avoid getting directions from people near your destination Trust your maps. Because their local gods might just be hungry.
41. Assume dead bodies are unsafe.
42. Never stand laughing over a defeated foe.
43. Don't buy drugs from strangers.
44. Be respectful of the lady everyone in town says is a witch.
45. If you hear about a local urban legend do not try & experience it.
46. Never trust a dark elf.
47. Assume the price for raising demons to do your bidding is your death, & then don't raise any fucking demons.
45. If you hear about a local urban legend do not try & experience it.
46. Never trust a dark elf.
47. Assume the price for raising demons to do your bidding is your death, & then don't raise any fucking demons.
48. If you are invited as the guest of honor to a dinner party & you only know one person, don't go.
49. If see a cute creature that trills adorably, assume it will spit acid in your eyes & eat you. Let someone else figure out if its nice or if those big eyes are for hunting.
49. If see a cute creature that trills adorably, assume it will spit acid in your eyes & eat you. Let someone else figure out if its nice or if those big eyes are for hunting.
50. In fact, assuming anything can spit acid is a safe way to live.
51. Goggles.
52. Duct tape will likely save you in a bunch of different situations, keep it near you.
53. Don't be a camp counselor.
54. Don't follow slimy trails to see where they go.
51. Goggles.
52. Duct tape will likely save you in a bunch of different situations, keep it near you.
53. Don't be a camp counselor.
54. Don't follow slimy trails to see where they go.
55. If you see a flaming ball in the sky don't get in your car to see if you can find it.
56. If they're weird sounds coming from your drain don't stick your hand in there. For fuck sake. Don't.
57. If you come across strange things in trees on a hike, leave them alone.
56. If they're weird sounds coming from your drain don't stick your hand in there. For fuck sake. Don't.
57. If you come across strange things in trees on a hike, leave them alone.
58. Maybe don't hike.
59. Always be careful where you step. Because beartraps & sorcerers charms.
60. Don't pick up hitchhikers.
61. Don't be a hitchhiker.
62. Don't hit hitchhikers & drive away.
63. If you see a person lying in the middle of a country road stay in your car.
59. Always be careful where you step. Because beartraps & sorcerers charms.
60. Don't pick up hitchhikers.
61. Don't be a hitchhiker.
62. Don't hit hitchhikers & drive away.
63. If you see a person lying in the middle of a country road stay in your car.
64. Stay away from all cultists.
65. Don't assume someone in a mask is a person you know.
66. Don't assume prank callers are friends playing w you.
67. Always assume the calls are coming from inside the house.
68. If a dead friend calls you, don't pick up. Ever.
65. Don't assume someone in a mask is a person you know.
66. Don't assume prank callers are friends playing w you.
67. Always assume the calls are coming from inside the house.
68. If a dead friend calls you, don't pick up. Ever.
69. If a loved one's eyes are glowing don't let them hug you.
70. Don't think that you can reach your loved ones if they turn zombie, werewolf, vampire, or ghoul. That's not Johnny. Not anymore.
71. Be suspicious of miracles.
72. Be suspicious of miracle workers.
70. Don't think that you can reach your loved ones if they turn zombie, werewolf, vampire, or ghoul. That's not Johnny. Not anymore.
71. Be suspicious of miracles.
72. Be suspicious of miracle workers.
73. Don't go in the building that just appeared.
74. If you come across a jewel encrusted statue of a God, don't take any jewels.
75. If you go to an island & find that everyone worships the same pagan god & they ask you to help find a lost child what do you say? No. Fuck no.
74. If you come across a jewel encrusted statue of a God, don't take any jewels.
75. If you go to an island & find that everyone worships the same pagan god & they ask you to help find a lost child what do you say? No. Fuck no.
76. Never trust a man whose eyebrows meet.
77. Never take jewelry from a corpse.
78. Read everything before you sign.
79. If people tell you that nobody ever comes back from that place, don't go there.
80. Trust your eyes, your brain isn't playing tricks on you.
77. Never take jewelry from a corpse.
78. Read everything before you sign.
79. If people tell you that nobody ever comes back from that place, don't go there.
80. Trust your eyes, your brain isn't playing tricks on you.
81. That guy who keeps insisting your brain is playing tricks on you & shouting at you to calm down is going to get you killed. Stop him.
82. Don't let selfish jerks in your zombie survival shelter. They'll destroy it.
83. No matter how fun they are, stay away from vampires.
82. Don't let selfish jerks in your zombie survival shelter. They'll destroy it.
83. No matter how fun they are, stay away from vampires.
84. If someone you just met asks if you want to see something interesting you say no.
85. Stay with the tour group.
86. Don't go on tourist group trips.
87. Stay off the moors.
88. Stay on the road.
89. Don't go to uncharted adventure locations like unknown cave systems.
85. Stay with the tour group.
86. Don't go on tourist group trips.
87. Stay off the moors.
88. Stay on the road.
89. Don't go to uncharted adventure locations like unknown cave systems.
90. Don't go deeper in the cave than anyone has been before.
91. Don't assume you can get back out the way you came in.
92. Check for exits, always.
93. Don't trash nature, churches, sacred sites, plantation houses, or pictographs.
94. If our, don't light the sacred fire.
91. Don't assume you can get back out the way you came in.
92. Check for exits, always.
93. Don't trash nature, churches, sacred sites, plantation houses, or pictographs.
94. If our, don't light the sacred fire.
95. If lit, don't put out the sacred fire.
96. If you get blood in any machines watch them carefully.
97. Don't build machines that need to run on blood.
98. Don't try to see or visit alternate dimensions. If you can see them, they can see you.
96. If you get blood in any machines watch them carefully.
97. Don't build machines that need to run on blood.
98. Don't try to see or visit alternate dimensions. If you can see them, they can see you.
99. Don't splice anything together.
100. If you come across anything that is glowing, choose wisely.
101. Don't drink anything in a lab refrigerator.
102. Don't agree to be in a lab experiment.
103. Don't ask to see your girlfriend's lab experiment.
100. If you come across anything that is glowing, choose wisely.
101. Don't drink anything in a lab refrigerator.
102. Don't agree to be in a lab experiment.
103. Don't ask to see your girlfriend's lab experiment.
104. If you find an old trunk in the attic, under a surprisingly fine layer of dust, don't open it.
105. Don't go into attics.
106. Don't go into basements.
107. If the electricity is working everywhere but your house, leave.
105. Don't go into attics.
106. Don't go into basements.
107. If the electricity is working everywhere but your house, leave.
108. Be suspicious of twins.
109. Be suspicious of people obsessed w twins.
110. Be suspicious of doctors that want to do experiments on twins.
111. Be suspicious of your evil twin.
109. Be suspicious of people obsessed w twins.
110. Be suspicious of doctors that want to do experiments on twins.
111. Be suspicious of your evil twin.
112. Did I say double tap? Because double tap.
114. Avoid the number 13.
115. Don't answer classified ads.
116. Don't list classified ads.
117. If you're invited to a reading of the will of a person you don't know, send your lawyer instead of actually going. Get a 2nd lawyer.
114. Avoid the number 13.
115. Don't answer classified ads.
116. Don't list classified ads.
117. If you're invited to a reading of the will of a person you don't know, send your lawyer instead of actually going. Get a 2nd lawyer.
118. Don't break into an old lunatic asylum or closed down funeral home to throw a Halloween party.
119. Just don't break into old asylums or funeral homes.
120. If someone you don't know invites you to a Halloween party, make sure it's not at an asylum or funeral home 1st.
119. Just don't break into old asylums or funeral homes.
120. If someone you don't know invites you to a Halloween party, make sure it's not at an asylum or funeral home 1st.
121. Never go to opening night gala of ancient recently unearthed demonic looking relics at a museum.
122. Never stay in a museum after hours.
123. Never buy any relic from a disgraced museum that's closing.
124. Don't seek out relics in their natural habitat.
125. No relics.
122. Never stay in a museum after hours.
123. Never buy any relic from a disgraced museum that's closing.
124. Don't seek out relics in their natural habitat.
125. No relics.
126. Don't go skinny dipping.
127. Don't go skinny dipping in the lake the local sheriff just closed. "C'mon, itll be just us!"
No. It won't be just you.
128. Don't take one last swim before the lake ices over for the year.
129. Don't be the first ice skater of the season.
127. Don't go skinny dipping in the lake the local sheriff just closed. "C'mon, itll be just us!"
No. It won't be just you.
128. Don't take one last swim before the lake ices over for the year.
129. Don't be the first ice skater of the season.
130. If you go to a party & you're the only one not in black robes leave.
131. If someone tells you to do or not do something ask why. Too many people die because nobody knows why. Of course the advice is good, even if it is confusing. Just heed it.
132. No wishes in wells.
131. If someone tells you to do or not do something ask why. Too many people die because nobody knows why. Of course the advice is good, even if it is confusing. Just heed it.
132. No wishes in wells.
132. No wishes on lamps, coins, or four leaf clovers.
133. Never wish anyone into a cornfield.
134. Avoid cornfields.
135. If you meet children walking behind the rows of corn, run. They don't need help. You do.
136. Avoid children w biblical names like Malachai.
133. Never wish anyone into a cornfield.
134. Avoid cornfields.
135. If you meet children walking behind the rows of corn, run. They don't need help. You do.
136. Avoid children w biblical names like Malachai.
137. If you think you see your doppelganger, do not follow.
138. If you see someone sitting crosslegged, bent over something, making squishy noises, don't walk around to see what they are doing.
139. If you notice lots of emergency sirens, look around you. Don't ignore them.
138. If you see someone sitting crosslegged, bent over something, making squishy noises, don't walk around to see what they are doing.
139. If you notice lots of emergency sirens, look around you. Don't ignore them.
140. If someone promises you your deepest heart's desire, run.
141. Brick dust.
142. Keep iron nails in your pockets. If they don't keep away the fair folk, you might still be able to pick the lock on the cage they put you in w it.
143. Stay out of mounds & fairy rings.
141. Brick dust.
142. Keep iron nails in your pockets. If they don't keep away the fair folk, you might still be able to pick the lock on the cage they put you in w it.
143. Stay out of mounds & fairy rings.
144. If you do go to the fair folks' places, bring milk, honey, & bread.
145. Don't eat the milk, honey, & bread. Leave it for them.
146. If you do decide to leave an offering, don't be a cheapskate. You don't want fairies holding grudges. They live a long ass time.
145. Don't eat the milk, honey, & bread. Leave it for them.
146. If you do decide to leave an offering, don't be a cheapskate. You don't want fairies holding grudges. They live a long ass time.
147. Stay out of the tall grass.
148. When someone says they have a plan, ask them what it is before you agree.
149. Never face the monster on its own ground.
148. When someone says they have a plan, ask them what it is before you agree.
149. Never face the monster on its own ground.
150. NEVER volunteer for the space walk.
151. If you DO volunteer for the space walk, don't bring aliens on board.
152. If you DO bring aliens on board, do not give them water after midnight.
151. If you DO volunteer for the space walk, don't bring aliens on board.
152. If you DO bring aliens on board, do not give them water after midnight.
153. If you find a ritual chalk drawing on the floor under your bed - do not have sex.
154. Always call for backup.
155. If you ARE the backup, check the place out before running in.
156. Don't murder anyone. Vengeance is the surest way to raise an angry spirit.
157. Don't anger an angry ghost.
158. If your dog or cat won't enter your new home, don't move in.
155. If you ARE the backup, check the place out before running in.
156. Don't murder anyone. Vengeance is the surest way to raise an angry spirit.
157. Don't anger an angry ghost.
158. If your dog or cat won't enter your new home, don't move in.
159. If someone has a vision that comes true - do not say any following visions are, "just dreams" , "nothing to worry about", or "just a phase".
160. If someone's vision saves your life, stay with them.
161. If you're having visions: pay attention.
160. If someone's vision saves your life, stay with them.
161. If you're having visions: pay attention.
162. If someone you know tells you to, "get out" & their voice changes like a demon, get out.
163. If someone you know no longer seems like themselves w major differences you might have a changeling.
163. If someone you know no longer seems like themselves w major differences you might have a changeling.
164. If you find a hidden area of your home, don't go in.
165. If you DO go in, and you find an altar don't touch anything.
166. If there's a goblet on the altar don't use it to drink beer out of.
167. If you DO, at least don't pass it around, you can contain 1 possession.
165. If you DO go in, and you find an altar don't touch anything.
166. If there's a goblet on the altar don't use it to drink beer out of.
167. If you DO, at least don't pass it around, you can contain 1 possession.
168. Never, ever take a piece of the meteorite. Don't even touch it.
169. If someone brings you a piece of meteorite, don't accept it.
170. If you see a meteorite for sale do not buy it.
171. Avoid all things from outer space.
172. Don't go into space.
169. If someone brings you a piece of meteorite, don't accept it.
170. If you see a meteorite for sale do not buy it.
171. Avoid all things from outer space.
172. Don't go into space.
173. If you have secret telekinetic powers, don't sign up for government studies no matter how poor you are.
174. If your child also has secret telekinetic powers do not let the government have her or him.
175. If someone you know has secret telekinetic powers, stay away.
174. If your child also has secret telekinetic powers do not let the government have her or him.
175. If someone you know has secret telekinetic powers, stay away.
176. If you wake up from deep space sleep, don't automatically accept the story you're told by anyone else, already awake.
177. Always look out the window first.
178. Don't eat or drink anything prepared by other people until you are sure of the situation.
177. Always look out the window first.
178. Don't eat or drink anything prepared by other people until you are sure of the situation.
179. If you conduct dangerous experiments in space, don't trust your doppelganger when they appear.
180. If your child is talking to a person you can't see, don't assume it's an imaginary friend.
181. If you know it's a ghost, don't assume it's a friendly ghost.
180. If your child is talking to a person you can't see, don't assume it's an imaginary friend.
181. If you know it's a ghost, don't assume it's a friendly ghost.
182. If an elder god from the deep starts to rise up out of the swamp you shoot 
it with your gun!
Don't "let's see where this goes".
It goes sideways. That's how it goes.
There's no good ending.
it with your gun!Don't "let's see where this goes".
It goes sideways. That's how it goes.
There's no good ending.
183. Don't split up.
184. If you DO split up, stay with the car.
185. If you don't stay with the car, at least, do NOT go into the tall grass.
184. If you DO split up, stay with the car.
185. If you don't stay with the car, at least, do NOT go into the tall grass.
186. Don't automatically believe whatever you hear shouted at you from INSIDE the tall grass.
187. If there's a parking lot in the middle of nowhere filled w abandoned cars, do not park there.
Keep on driving.
187. If there's a parking lot in the middle of nowhere filled w abandoned cars, do not park there.
Keep on driving.
188. Don't use dimensional gateways to travel vast distances in space.
189. Don't go on rescue missions for space vessels that were lost after opening dimensional gateways.
190. If you DO go, don't trust the engineer that designed the dimensional gateway vessel.
189. Don't go on rescue missions for space vessels that were lost after opening dimensional gateways.
190. If you DO go, don't trust the engineer that designed the dimensional gateway vessel.
191. If you find an abandoned Russian submarine, don't board it.
192. If you DO board, don't bring anything back with you.
193. If you DO bring a bottle of russian vodka back w you, don't drink it.
194. If you DO drink it,
you're fucked. I'm sorry.
You had SO many chances.
192. If you DO board, don't bring anything back with you.
193. If you DO bring a bottle of russian vodka back w you, don't drink it.
194. If you DO drink it,
you're fucked. I'm sorry.
You had SO many chances.
195. No armoires.
196. No antique masks.
197. No upside down.
198. No seances.
196. No antique masks.
197. No upside down.
198. No seances.
199. If you find an area of your brand new home is boarded up, don't automatically assume that you now have extra square footage.
200. Don't give your children the antique furniture you find in that boarded up room.
200. Don't give your children the antique furniture you find in that boarded up room.
201. If you see blood dripping inside your fireplace, don't stick your head in there to look up.
202. If a zombie rat plague has infected your neighborhood, don't leave your perfectly safe apartment.
203. Don't assume that just because it's quiet that it's safe.
202. If a zombie rat plague has infected your neighborhood, don't leave your perfectly safe apartment.
203. Don't assume that just because it's quiet that it's safe.
204. If toys start rolling on their own, do not ignore them.
205. If your child tells you there is a monster or ghost in their room do not assume they have been dreaming.
206. If your TV starts changing channels on its own, don't assume it's just a defect.
205. If your child tells you there is a monster or ghost in their room do not assume they have been dreaming.
206. If your TV starts changing channels on its own, don't assume it's just a defect.
207. Avoid all puppets.
208. Don't paint portraits of the evil entity haunting your family.
209. If you DO paint portraits of the evil entity haunting your family, don't keep the portrait in your home.
210. If your child starts speaking w a demon voice, don't assume they are playing.
209. If you DO paint portraits of the evil entity haunting your family, don't keep the portrait in your home.
210. If your child starts speaking w a demon voice, don't assume they are playing.
211. If someone is brave enough to sacrifice themselves just to buy you several moments in which you can escape, don't spend that time watching in horror as they die.
Run. Don't watch. Run.
Don't make them die for nothing.
Run. Don't watch. Run.
Don't make them die for nothing.
212. If you're an investigative journalist, don't try to interview crazed supernatural mass killer.
214. Still avoiding the #13
215. If you DO interview crazed supernatural mass killers, don't keep their prized possession with you.
214. Still avoiding the #13
215. If you DO interview crazed supernatural mass killers, don't keep their prized possession with you.
216. Don't sign up for an insomniac study.
217. If you DO sign up for a insomnia study and when you arrive, you find out it's in a creepy old mansion, don't stay.
218. If you DO stay, see rule # 1.
217. If you DO sign up for a insomnia study and when you arrive, you find out it's in a creepy old mansion, don't stay.
218. If you DO stay, see rule # 1.
219. No matter how scientifically advanced you are, do not use reanimation serum on your recently deceased loved ones.
Just don't.
Just don't.
220. Don't assume you understand the cryptic meaning behind the prophecy told to you by the witch in the forest.
221. If the prophecy seems unlikely, farfetched, or impossible don't assume it won't happen.
222. Don't listen to your wife's skeevy plans for rising to lordship.
221. If the prophecy seems unlikely, farfetched, or impossible don't assume it won't happen.
222. Don't listen to your wife's skeevy plans for rising to lordship.
223. Don't commit a crime so heinous that your victim comes back from the grave to seek righteous justice.
224. If you DO commit a crime so heinous that your victim rises from the grave to seek righteous justice you're pretty much fucked.
224. If you DO commit a crime so heinous that your victim rises from the grave to seek righteous justice you're pretty much fucked.
225. Don't go to the bottom of the deepest part of the unexplored ocean.
226. If you DO go into deep sea environments, don't turn on your bright lights.
226. If you DO go into deep sea environments, don't turn on your bright lights.
227. Do not steal gold and treasure from the resting place of an ancient, undead, viking warrior.
228. If you DO steal the gold of an ancient, undead, viking warrior, and they come to reclaim their treasure, do not swallow the last gold bead.
228. If you DO steal the gold of an ancient, undead, viking warrior, and they come to reclaim their treasure, do not swallow the last gold bead.
229. Just because a corrupt political group uses a local urban legend about a giant, dangerous, violent beast to scare away people, doesn't mean that there isn't actually a giant, dangerous, violent beast to be afraid of.
230. If you come across an alien creature, do not think baby talking will tame it. It is still going to open it's face in a giant mouth & eat you from the inside out.
If you think talking in a high voice is going to make it coo like a kitten then this whole list is for you!
If you think talking in a high voice is going to make it coo like a kitten then this whole list is for you!
231. If everything hinges on saying 3 words correctly, write them the fuck down & refer to the note later.
232. No matter how long it has been since you graduated high school or college, always keep your chemistry books in the trunk of your car.
Trust me.
232. No matter how long it has been since you graduated high school or college, always keep your chemistry books in the trunk of your car.
Trust me.
233. No matter how desperate you are, no matter what it promises to you, no matter what it says, do not feed people to the dark, disgusting hole in the wall.
234. Don't write about horrible, supernatural murders.
235. If you DO write about horrible supernatural murders do not move into the houses where the murders were committed.
235. If you DO write about horrible supernatural murders do not move into the houses where the murders were committed.
236. Don't let the nice,
white lady hypnotize you.
Just run.
Get out.
white lady hypnotize you.
Just run.
Get out.
237. If someone tells you that they found a thing in a crate that ate a guy, GO WITH THEM TO CAMPUS POLICE.
Do not go down to the laboratory to "see the lay of the land" or "try to measure the bite marks".
Do not go down to the laboratory to "see the lay of the land" or "try to measure the bite marks".
This one contradicts rule number 236. I'm sorry, you will have to judge for yourself.
238. DO let the nice white lady hypnotize you.
Sometimes you have got to go further than you thought to save the ones you love.
238. DO let the nice white lady hypnotize you.
Sometimes you have got to go further than you thought to save the ones you love.
