I'll just thread out Red Dead tweets here

First one: I'm going to shoot Micah as soon as humanly possible

functioning like a horse in this game IRL would rule, just brush me twice a week and feed me a few oatcakes and I'm good for another 72 straight hours of no sleep and work

assaulted a member of the clergy

again

[extremely cowboy voice]

these GODDAMN PINKERTONS

I'm laughing my ass off at how well they did making Rhodes a town that could be Arkansas, Mississippi, or Georgia all at once

tried to free kidnapped German settler, did so but immediately tried to put him on my horse and instead ran him over and killed him

Dutch, riding horse through Rhodes: "Try to keep a low profile"

also Dutch, riding horse through Rhodes: [runs horse over pedestrian, rolling him in red clay dust like a tumbleweed wearing a business suit]

Actually putting Arthur to bed on time and waking him up by brewing coffee for him like I’m his godlike frontier manservant

was riding through the mountains around Strawberry, passed a logging camp and heard "OH SHIT IT'S FALLING THE WRONG WAY" and saw a guy's leg get crushed by a tree.

Helped get the tree off, leg smashed. Boss comes over and docks him pay and leaves him there with no help.

oh and I met all the legendary gunslingers, Arthur is officially the worst research assistant ever

"how'd the interviews with the primary sources go, Arthur?"
"uhhhh well about that--"

also I got in a drunken barfight with the game's version of Gus Chiggins, who you really remember because he yells at the bar about eating turds to survive in the mountains

Gus took like five minutes to KO, Iron Chin on old turd-eatin' Gus

choked a bounty hunter to death instead of sparing him and Charles just looks down when I'm finished and says "Well, that's done."

Whoops, accidentally murdered the ruined slave hunter Compson by shooting him 12 times in the head, my bad

And Arthur Morgan’s brief career in law enforcement has come to a swift and spectacular end!

it turns out that burning down an antebellum plantation house is one of the most emotionally satisfying moments possible in a video game or maybe anywhere else, thank you Red Dead 2

My Arthur is a math idiot who goes all-in every hand because he thinks it sounds cool

I’m down four bucks to Uncle

Laughing real hard at Arthur socializing and being a high-class spy at the mayor’s house

SHAM-PAG-KNEE, LADIES???

The way Arthur tries to wipe the crud off his teeth before seeing Mary up close >>>

Spent three days of game time trying to get a three star badger pelt, found one at 5 am on day three, and:

-- ran after it on horseback
-- missed shot
-- horse trampled perfect badger
-- now proud owner of one-star badger covered in hoofprints

attacked by beaver

Got turned into an Arthur satchel by the panther

it's a rule of thumb in the game that if there is a "THREATEN" option and also a "PUNCH" option when you're intimidating someone just save yourself some time and go ahead and take that dude to Fist City

rolled up on a chain gang arguing with the boss, I stopped to watch, one of them shivs the boss and kills him and goes "well that worked better than I thought it would"

shot for a five dollar bounty for accidentally trampling a chicken with my horse

also last night I beat up an art historian from Yale for fifteen bucks

the "negotiate" button lost out to the "beat" option again because beating in this game is just the 1899 app for faster negotiation results

"but sir my reputation--"
[BWAP]
"--I couldn't bu--"
[THUD]
"I'll be disgr--"
[line of dialogue drowned out by din of merciless asskicking]

reacting to a plot point I do not want to admit just happened:

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

these goddam pankertons

Dutch Van der Linde’s Extremely Shitty Island Vacation

The D'Angelo song was great but I needed him naked standing in clouds singing it to Arthur

how does it feel pardner

NO MY BOY ARTHUR GOT THAT TOM BRADY

Miss Grimshaw really is Miss I’ll-Shoot-A-Bitch ain’t she

Riding up north, guy riding the other way appears to be wobbling on his horse, he falls off and I go over to check him and he’s been shot through the head

I figure there’s got to be something up ahead I have to deal with right, this is a side mission or something

Nope, just a guy riding a horse with a hole in his head, no one else around

Thanks rock star

okay I did the thing where I just let the main story chill for a while and went hunting and fishing and now I'm going to have to go camping for a month to get this feeling out of my system

No new friends, never going back to camp, Hamish and I are very much in love and will spend the rest of our days hunting and fishing

“Dutch I hope this isn’t another stupid revenge mission” look Arthur IT’S GONNA BE A STUPID REVENGE MISSION OKAY

Welllllllllllllllllp #Hamish

Buell really is the best horse tho

When you find out Arthur’s story is sadder than you even thought it was

decided to read Arthur's journal after forgetting it existed for most of the game and boyyyyy

there's a very specific kind of sad and mournful this game does and I've really only seen it in the same context and key in one other story: Lonesome Dove

Big ensemble-type cast, a bunch of threads all running together eventually, and a bunch of payoffs that can be anywhere from little to mid-sized to outright giant heartbreaks

For example: I'm taking care of a dead NPC's horse because...well, because I feel like I owe it to him, and because the big ol' horse needs someone who understands him. THE FAKE HORSE IN A VIRTUAL STORY.

(And every time I ride him I think about that? Which is messed-up but also kind of great?)

Anyway, the way the game gets you to do those kind of things -- especially here towards the third act -- is a lot like all the little payoffs and selfless acts in Lonesome Dove, especially Call taking Gus's body back to Texas in the end

RIP Hell Bitch, a legendary fictional horse

y'all this is Tommy Lee Jones' horse in Lonesome Dove did your parents not raise you on the classics

Buell galloping through the forest

Tried to jump to to a wagon and knock out the drivers for a non-fatal takedown

Missed, fell under wagon wheels, died

Yeahhhhhh mama rock me

Oh no

real tears

Ten hours later and I just got misty thinking about Arthur thanking his horse

Btw don't let all the emotions distract from the fact that Chapter Six of this game is one long absolute heater

WILLIE!!!!!!!!!!!

Albert Cakes is one of the best names in video game history and also my new alias

Tall Trees still the GOAT part of the map

muh lumbago

I finished it this am, good god what a beautiful game

LOL NAS IS ON THE SOUNDTRACK

and a ton of Daniel Lanois, which shouldn't surprise anyone given that the Joshua Tree is another atmospheric classic that's obsessed with The American West

y'all can make fun of u2 all day long and should but The Joshua Tree is perfect

I killed four hundred Jim Tomsulas in this game

also yes I laughed