"Hey. Happy Halloween. I'm your neighbor? Ed Brown? Yeah, that's right, the house with the stoop. Right, and that low brick wall. Listen, uh. My son Charlie was here earlier? As a ghost? You ... gave him a rock? Can I ... talk to you outside a sec?"

"No yeah hey, listen. I know, I KNOW, it wasn't just you. Turns out? Every house on this block gave him rocks. Damndest thing. And here's the other weird bit. All those houses? They all got these big, beautiful picture windows. Gorgeous things. A lot like yours."

"So yeah anyhoodle I'm just, you know, going door-to-door tonight, because I wanted to look the goddamn SOCIOPATHS who'd do that to a KID in their EVIL GODDAMN FACES oh and also of course to distract you while Charlie gets ready OKAY SON NOW THROW THROW LIKE THE WIND CHARLIE"

"That was impressive, He's a pitcher, you know. That thing had some moxie on it. NICE HUSTLE, SON. Oh and hey before I go did it even occur to you that maybe he was dressed up as the ghost of a Dalmatian? Hunh? Did that even occur to you, you fucking MONSTER?"

"Okay well have a good night. Hope you had fun. And do me a favor? I assume you all have some kind of neighborhood listserv of Facebook page so you can coordinate your emotional abuse of children like you did tonight? Send me an invite! Sounds fun!"

"Now if you'll excuse me I'm just gonna head off to the pumpkin patch to check on Linus because apparently the Van Pelts let him sleep out there without a tent or blankets SERIOUSLY WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS GODDAMN NEIGHBORHOOD"