I’ve spoken about this before (positive, non-traumatic experiences with older partners) and forcing this narrative on folks, esp women.

However we seemingly cannot have productive convos about predators to make space for this.

So I understand the immediate predator convo. https://twitter.com/Lexual__/status/1040661043306016768

I would love for this dialogue to have enough nuance to talk about people having really positive romantic and sexual experiences with older folks.

But we just cannot fucking seem to get people to recognize and take seriously and be accountable for predatory behavior.

And people are terrible at dual convo so both can’t mutually exist smh

Cuz I hate the idea of telling people their experiences were abusive if that’s not how they experienced it, now or ever.

And I do not buy into younger ppl being unable to initiate, enjoy, or even manipulate shit to their own advantage.

THAT can exist while we talk about predators.

Healthy sex/romance between unconventionally aged ppl can occur *and* toxic sex/romance between unconventionally aged ppl can occurs ...& it can all be discussed and valid

And the whole brain development thing is reductive/dishonest (?)

At 27 I’m *just* past having a fully developed brain; if someone approached me and invalidated all of my experiences b/c of that, that would be unfair.

Again, it’s both valid AND not a full stop.

But I’m not going up for Drake cuz he’s a known abuser.

This is just my general take on the subject: that it requires more nuance than we’ve given it b/c we refuse to have the important & tough parts of the convo.

Also, age restrictions are arbitrary. They’re literally nothing different between 17 & 18.

So while I understand the legal need (the attempt to protect minors) I don’t like the concept of age being the definitive (moral/legal/ethical) factor.

If culturally we had healthier convos about autonomy, consent, predators, power, etc. the whole age convo would look much different.

It would be ppl genuinely asking themselves, “is this person competent (?) enough for this relationship?” versus “ARE THEY LEGAL?”

I hope the implication of how I’m differentiating those two things makes sense.

I wanna add the two things that promoted this perspective of thinking.

1) wanting men to understand their early experiences were predatory (I’ll explain)
2) my own early experiences

I’ll start with #1

At the beginning of my grad program (for counseling) I was struggling with this idea that so many men have early sexual experiences with older people they view as positive/consensual because *I* understood them to be predatory.

(continued)

I wanted so badly to tell men “you were raped!” “That was a assault!” because in many cases that is the truth.

My intent was to help men see how these “assaults” damaged (?) them and their relationship to sex.

And while this may be true, I realized it’s not my fucking place to insert myself into their stories.

This was solely a therapeutic thing and I realized it’s not therapeutic or healing to tell people about their experiences.

(Continued)

What *is* therapeutic is offering a space for men to talk about their stories, offering general info about age/consent/abuse etc. & let them do what they need to do.

Perhaps they’ll think differently about it. Perhaps they won’t.

Either way it’s not my place to narrate 4 them.

So there’s that part of it: not telling people about their own lives or thinking I’m more equipped to analyze their decision making

The #2 is my own experiences

I have had many harmless, forgettable, non-traumatic, enjoyable, etc. romantic/sexual experiences with older folks.

I’m an adult now and have looked back to unpack all the power dynamics and they’re *still* harmless, forgettable, etc etc

I had experiences where I instigated or flirted (or whatever you want to call it) situations because *I* wanted to. And enjoyed it.

That’s valid. Full stop.

People telling me “well you were just a kid” or “he manipulated you” etc takes away the power I had/have.

And I will not equate the stories where I *was* manipulated and abused (in the context of age) with ones I felt empowered by.

So the #2 there is: I’ve had dope experiences with older people that were completely innocuous. And that’s a full sentence.

That exists.

Those are the 2 specific things that informed me looking at age conversations with more nuance WHILE honoring the predatory part of it that cannot be ignored.