Thread by @vexwerewolf, Unpopular opinion: Blizzard's writing staff are hacks who are able to disguise [...]

Unpopular opinion: Blizzard's writing staff are hacks who are able to disguise it by putting exactly one (1) highly relatable trait into each character they make

Pharah: Loves her mom
Ana: Mom goals
Soldier 76: Lol he's everyones dad amirite
DVa: Literally every 90s gamer girl stereotype
Tracer: 'M FR'M ESSEX LUV
Reinhardt: BoisterousBruiser.tvtrope
Junkrat: STRAYA M8, MAD MAX KANGAROO?
Roadhog: BDSM lovers horny on main
Reaper: CRAWLING

Thrall: NOBLE. WARRIOR. RACE.
Grom: NOBLE. WARRIOR. RACE. but drank bad soup once
Jaina: Girls can TOO be president
Arthas: FEARLEADSTOANGERANGERLEADSTOHATEHATELEADSTOSUFFERING
Varian Wrynn: I have a son
Anduin Wyrnn: I had a dad
Tyrande: NOBLE. WARRIOR. RACE. but with ears

Malfurion: Sure do love my hot elf wife
Illidan: Man I sure wish I had a hot elf wife
Gul'dan: Orcs were mean to me, time to blow up every world twice

Cairne: I'm literally the only well-written character in this game
Baine: Well time to ruin that lol

Garrosh: I'm literally a walking example of every aspect of toxic masculinity but the writers still spent half a decade trying to portray me sympathetically

Kael'Thas: We were genocided so we better ally with the people who did the genocide

Magni: Does anyone remember I exist

Raynor: every_Nathan_Fillion_character.archetype

Tychus: AW YEAH AH'M TEXAN

Arcturus: What if Hitler was a role model though

Valerian: I'm the son of a monarch and I literally look exactly like Arthas, hahaha I'm sure that won't come up at all

Zeratul: Sho'zak mak nul?

Illidan: Ana'doraenador!

Kael'Thas: Ié shera'do.

Thrall: Lok'regar, no'gar!

Artanis: En taro Tassadar!

Blizzard: [laughs in Blizzardese]

Kerrigan: Say it with me now.

Sylvanas: 1. 2. 3.

Kerrigan and Sylvanas: M O R A L L Y G R E Y

Come to think of it, "only genocided a little bit because they were very angry" basically describes every single Blizzard anti-hero https://twitter.com/ValeFuchs/status/1029093098868097024

https://twitter.com/ValeFuchs/status/1029093098868097024

Tyrande: Yo Alextrasza can you fix Nordrassil please

Alextrasza: CBA TBH

Malfurion: Yo Ysera can you do something about the Emerald Dream

Ysera: Eh effort

Fandral: Yo Nozdormu can you give us our immortality back

Nozdormu: I can

Fandral: Will you

Nozdormu: I dunno will I?

Titans: Okay Neltharion, guard the deep places of the Earth, and whatever you do do not listen to the whispers of the Old Ones

Neltharion: Okay

Old Ones: Listen to our whispers

Neltharion (becoming Deathwing): Seems legit

Okay Twitter what other Extremely Distinct Blizzard Characters should I do

Kel'Thuzad: Spreading plague to own the libs

Genn Graymane: We need to Make Gilneas Great Again, many fine people have told me this, you wouldn't believe it

Saurfang: SUPER. HONORABLE. WARRIOR. RACE.

Hogger: I'm responsible for a whole lot of people being furries

Bastion: What if R2D2 had Vietnam flashbacks

Mei: Going to make you really conflicted about your fetish for Asian girls

Hanzo: Dishonoured Japanese Man Seeks Redemption

Genji: Cool Story Bro

Brigitte: I am LITERALLY two of the other characters welded together

Widowmaker: I'm from a group previously thought to be good guys later revealed to have serious moral issues. I was subjected to a horrifying transformation by my sworn enemies and now I work for them

Sylvannas: Hey you stole my thing

Kerrigan: What do you mean YOUR thing

Torbjorn: I'm not a dwarf!

[ literally one Blizzard anniversary later ]

Torbjorn: I'm king of the dwarves

Rory Swann: I'm not a dwarf, I'm just very short, have an affinity for machines and physical labour, have a beard, have a distinctly Scottish-American accent and am modelled in the exact same style Blizzard always models their dwarves

If I can be honest I completely understand why certain Blizzard characters will never be in Heroes of the Storm

It would give the fucking game away

Protoss: We're a race of long-lived, elegant, etherally beautiful humanoid beings with exceptional arcane power whose downfall came because we were too dogmatic, relied too much on tradition, treated humans like idiots and ignored signs of impending disaster

High Elf: Big mood

Zerg: So it turns out that we were created by a dark being of unspeakable power as a tool to destroy the known universe, only to be discarded when we were no longer useful

Undead Scouge: *lights cigarette* Buddy, let me tell you something...

Terran Dominion: We became so enmeshed in bickering that we were totally unready to face the threats of a harsh and hostile universe when it came time to pay the piper

Alliance: Dude if you're going to copy my homework at least fucking change some of the words

Karax: I am literally not a dwarf, I'm a Protoss, but since I work with machines they still made me noticeably shorter and stockier than the other Protoss and gave me a fucking beard

Alarak: I'm the de-facto leader of a renegade splinter faction from a group that upheld order and balance. My favourite colours are black and red and I teleport and shoot lightning and throw stuff around with my mind

Reaper: This guy is so good at character design

Olaf: Wait, doesn't that make us the only truly original characters Blizzard have ever designed?

Erik: Wait, no, look, I'm a dwarf

Baleog: FUCK

Fandral Staghelm: If I were to just plant World Trees EVERYWHERE, that would surely fix everything

Narrator's Voice: It actually ruined everything instead

[4,500 years later]

Fandral Staghelm: Guys, I have this amazing idea

Night Elf: President Malfurion, a power-hungry Night Elf who you used to be exceptionally close to has gone insane and is endangering the world, what do we do?

Malfurion: Why does this seem so familiar

People are doing their own and they're so good https://twitter.com/ReagentTroika/status/1029418555815677960