Read on Twitter
OK, here are some threads on tshuvah/repentance/return. Start here: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/909480049690193920
Here's a chart (upthread) and my tweaks on it: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/983478026183864321
Handy reminder: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1008815573655015424
Nother thread: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1021630363557355520
American thread: https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/537109676673204224
If you read all those, you should have a pretty clear idea what tshuvah work involves. It involves a lot. Own the harm you did--ideally publicly. Do amends work if it's possible. Do MASSIVE inner work to change--more than can be accomplished in one month, but get going on it.
And apologize--not AT the person, but to them; put yourself in a space of vulnerable, empathetic listening as you offer your sincere regrets and apologies. Know that sometimes doing so might harm the victim further and navigate that sensitively--don't do more harm.
But most of the stuff that most of us do is not (hopefully) going to retraumatize someone. It's just uncomfortable and scary to own our mistakes, selfishness, lack of impulse, etc. Too bad. Enter the discomfort. But only after you've started to do the work to become different.
And Maimonides says that if you apologize with no intention of choosing differently next time, you're like someone who enters a ritual bath (mikveh) with a creepy crawly critter in your hand--it doesn't do the thing. So don't. Have a plan in place for next time.
Remember that tshuvah work is one thing, forgiveness is something else. Nobody OWES you forgiveness. (I have a longer critique of Maimonides I'll write up someday on this. & there is space in both Maimonides and Shulchan Aruch for not-forgiving, I'll explore here at some point).
You did harm, you have to live with that. Engage that with humility. Use it as a chance to be transformed into a better person. Keep your eyes on your own blue book. Let the person you harmed have their own process, but don't look to them to fix it for you. Fix yourself.
We're all human. We have all strayed from who we need to be this year. We've all hurt people this year. This is the season to own what of that you haven't yet. What's the work you need to do now?
If you're looking for a book on all this stuff, go straight to Rabbi Lew. This is your one-stop shopping for the season: https://www.indiebound.org/book/9780316739085
