What's going through my brain: a thread.

Will probably be some talk of trauma and a lot of me not liking myself.

As an idol -- in whatever capacity that is at this point -- I want to be real with people. I don't want to portray a fake image. That's never been my style. But oftentimes this means I portray no image at all. It means people forget I'm even here.

I watched as my plans for each consecutive convention fell through between Ohayocon and now, and I will be at Matsuricon, for sure. But my performance plans were, to put it mildly, flat out denied.

I will probably still find a way to sing at karaoke, but my brain tells me that this will be the last time I ever sing as Akiba Idol Emily. It's better this way.

There are reasons for this.
First reason: I don't belong here.

I'm too old. I'm not cute enough. I can't look pretty in cosplay. I don't have the time for wig skills, and I can't dance to save my life. I can do ONE thing really good, and most people don't even like that. I'd be MUCH better as a Youtaite where people can just ignore me.

Second reason: Trauma.

I can't. I just can't. I cannot stand and perform in front of other people. I won't go into details, but the amount of panic attacks I had even PLANNING the AIE project ranks in the double digits.

There is SO much pain and panic where, even now, thinking about it, I forget to breathe. I have done what I can to be here, but I have MAJOR problems even thinking about performing live, or quite frankly talking to other idols. And then the first reason comes back into play again

There are SO. MANY. CUTE. IDOLS. And nobody sees me. So why does it even make sense for me to exist?

That's a lie. I know it. I have to continue to do well. I won't quit this world, But I want to quit being an idol.

I keep talking myself out of it but

Third reason: Tonight's drama in the BEMANI community.

As an idol I really stand out as part of two groups: the idol community and the BEMANI community. BEMANI saved me in a time where nothing else could. It saved ALL parts of my career.

There has been some massive freaking local drama that i've stayed out of but has still affected me, and has made me question whether I want to go forward representing BEMANI as I am. With tonight, with a mess that I can't even untangle in my head, I know I can't continue.

How can I be comfortable publishing #SYNESIRIS for a community that will destroy it? And yet I can't, so I probably won't. It will remain on my hard drive for nobody else to see, and nobody else will know a story I cherish so dearly.

In short, that's it: I see destruction, I am destruction, I can't yell loudly enough for one community to see me and the other one doesn't even care. All I wanted to do was make music.

...That's STILL what I want to do.

Even now, after writing all of this, even after convincing myself that I need to quit and focus on my real life (that has like 5X this drama at least rn)...I still want to be Akiba Idol Emily. I still want to sing. I STILL WANT TO SING.

I just don't know how. I cannot be as pretty as the Instagram models, I cannot sound as cute as the Youtaite, I can't be as happy as any pop'n character would make you believe. But...isn't that a charm point in itself?

Isn't it a charm point that, no matter what, I'm still here, I still want to do this?

I know how to do one thing VERY well. I don't know how to do the rest. I don't know if I have time. And I'm cracking at the seams. If broken me can still do that one thing...

If I can sing for one person, isn't that enough? If I can be at least one person's idol, even though I might hide behind my computer where it's safe...then maybe, someday, can someone help me step out from behind this screen?

I don't know what i want to do yet. I just know I STILL don't want to give up. Maybe...if you have advice, I think that would be good. Just don't break me, because this pretty smile is close to being shattered right now. /end