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i received this comically large pencil as a gift several years ago and my first thought, understandably, was âwhat the christ am i meant to do with this?â
the 2nd thought i had was: Iâm Quite Certain I Could Ruin Someoneâs Day With This. And so a while ago i took it in with me to a lecture, hoping against hope that whichever poor Fool was unfortunate enough to sit next to me might have forgotten or misplaced their writing implement
utilising The Pencil is also dependent on the person not using a laptop. So the chances of success are extraordinarily slim, and Iâve only managed to find suitable candidates three times in all of the dozens of occasions iâve had The Pencil on my person
i size up my target, watching them feign patting their pockets in vain for the ballpoint they so obviously left at home, and i wait, i wait for the blessed question.... Do You Have A Pen I Could Borrow?
âOhâ, i say, âIâm so sorry; I only have a pencil.â âThatâs fine!â i hear them say, distantly now, as the blood is rushing to my ears and i can barely hear them. I maintain a straight face. This is key to the delivery and the final blow
I reach into my bag for The Pencil. The look of utter dumbfounded misery as i hand it to the victim is unparalleled in its sweetness. In an instant their eyes flicker through the 5 stages of grief, landing on acceptance, as they realise itâs This or Nothing
still maintaining that eye contact i smile, only the tiniest fraction, the unspoken words forming between us. âWhat are you gonna do now, huh? You feeling lucky, kiddo? Buddy? Buckaroo? You gonna kick up a fuss in this silent lecture theatre? Huh? Or will you take The Pencil?â
they Always take the pencil
