The Anatomy of a Indian Liberal Pre 2014

Class-Privileged
First Language-English
Religious Denomination-Convenient Atheist
Except Grihaparveshs, Naamkarans, Weddings, Cremations.. when every ceremony old & forgotten is dredged out, flaunted.
Celebrations - Eid, Easter, Christmas, Diwali, Holi..
Food Habits -Private
1

~Personal Statement ~
Ram Guha thinks. Therefore I am.
Romilla Thapar thought. Therefore I was.

The Mughals gave us art, culture, architecture, cuisine & the Brits gave us English, railways & Nehru.
2

~ The Beauty of Poverty ~
Knowledge of India extends to 4 people in the servant quarters, Goa which tragically is losing its Portuguese flavour & our hills which no longer remind one of Scotland.
3

~Syncretic Culture ~
Bound by single malt, kababs at Karims, Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan, Joy to the World …

~Social Register~
Ticked off as ARRIVED if nephew’s wife’s brother connected to the NAC and/or runs a NGO.
4

~ Lexicon~
The vulgar includes a few French terms with Fcuk.
Never the vernacular even at the most vilest.

~ Mission Statement ~
People Like Us Are In Charge
So
The World Is Beautiful.…
5

The Anatomy of a Indian Liberal Post 2014

6

Class - Privileged
(Aspirants remain foot soldiers. Till you are an alumni of any of the 4 schools, 3 colleges, member of IIC, IHC, DGC, Delhi Gym & one of the 6 residential localities of Delhi & 2 of NCR -don’t even dare ………! )

First Language - English
7

Religious Denomination- Defiantly Atheist
Parties on special occasions except whole hog at Wedding Ceremonies (can’t deny a bride & groom their Bollywood moment )
Cremations…Abh jaate jaate kya ladhna … ?
Non polluting electric cremation
8

Celebrations
Eid- Owaisi is my Biryani Buddy.
Easter -Hail the Resurrection of Christ.
But it’s not as regressive as KarvaChauth & RakshaBandhan...
Christmas - Christmas Lunch & Carols where Father X of letter writing fame is invited.
9

Celebrations
Polluting Diwali. Ram was anyway a chauvinistic pig (Audrey Truschke)
Misogynistic Holi. Waste of water & Sagarika Certified semen filled balloons -Ewwww!

Food habits - MEAT EATING.
Check FB & Instagram for fillet & steak pics, giraffe head & rhino bottom.
10

~ Personal Statement ~
Love Aurangzeb. He was the best. Tipu rocks.
Thank God we we were saved by colonisation.

~Opinion~
Critical on anything Hindu.
Silenct on Islam - Marna hai kya ?
Christianity - Awww ! Mulled wine ?!?
11

~ This Is Not The India We Knew ~
Knowledge of India extends to now only 2 in the servant quarter (good staff is very difficult to find & thanks to Modi they are doing this, that & whatever in their villages )
also 3 in JNU
& Uber/ Ola Cab drivers
12

~Beauty of Subterfuge ~
Urban Naxal from my well anointed drawing room.

Terror apologies keeps those wine cellars chilled.…
(BTW Geelani Sahib & Mirwaiz Sahib are the epitome of Kashmiriyat & don’t talk of those sobbing Pandits. See how well N is coping )
13

~ Syncretic Culture ~
Bound by single malt the kababs at Karims, Yasim Malik, Joy to the World & yaar, find me a Dalit to invite for my dinner party.…

~ Social Standing ~
Desperate.
NGO flush funds have dried up.
NAC is disbanded.
14

~ Lexicon~
Vulgar still includes few French terms with Fcuk.
But the ones that really touch a chord - Go drink Gaumutra & Low IQ Sanghi.(Absolutely melodious from those of us who understand Default Setting & the difference between Profit & Loss )
15

~Mission Statement
We will battle to bring back our beautiful India of peace, love, equality & secularism that has all but disappeared thanks to Narendra Modi.
We miss those days when Soniajee met World Leaders in those gorgeous sarees & MMS… well, MMS…
16

~Motto~
Noi mangeremo di nuovo. Avrai anche la possibilta di mangiare di nuovo.

Loosely translated with due apologies to the Doyenne of Loose Translations, Mme. Trushcke.

Hum phirse khaayenge. Aap ko bhi mauka milega.

~Toast ~
Bring down this Govt of Plebs!
17

The Anatomy of an Indian Liberal Post 2019

Class - Privileged but Woke.
Chaiwala & Pakodawala are also people.

First Language - English but will now occasionally pop in a few chaste Hindi words in North India.

In the South & the East besides English we anyway spoke the regional language with a cute lilt.
(Think: Moon Moon Sen)

Religious Denomination- Atheist but erm …tending towards a deep spiritualism that could be termed Hinduism… BUT… definitely not that Hindutva stuff.

Celebrations - Let’s see how it goes.…
Getting very mixed signals from The Club.

Food - Proudly non vegetarian. Not so gauche to be classified as vegetarian. But yes, considering being vegan after seeing an eye opening documentary on the BBC.

~Personal Statement~
Erm… we didn’t read the signs. Erm… we ignored the signs …

Like the Courts of France & Russia we believed victory would be ours.
Petitions of -
200 Eminent Citizens
100 Senior Bureaucrats
70 Has-been BollywoodStars…
All the while these peasants were breaking down the door.

So give them NYAY we said. But they flung it in our face.

~Opinion~
Rahul Toh Gaya.
(See, I’m already talking like them)

Rahul-In-A-Cotton-Saree Bhi Gayee.
(O God! Here I go again)

This summer plan delving into my roots.
Think the lush hills, gentle streams of Aberdeen might be the right place to begin.

Have to confess this is not the India we knew.
An India where no one listens to us & worse makes fun of us !

I mean my grandparents, parents, uncles & aunties dished out so many favours & in turn crawled for theirs & this how they repay us …

~Syncretic Culture~
Owaisi needs to get a grip. But yes articles in WaPo & NY
Times on how Muslims feel insecure in Modi’s India will be turned out at a breathless pace.

Thank God every once in a while their Sadhu or Sadhvi says something & we have our raison d’etre.

~Social Standing~
First of all - Are we standing?
And next - Keep that Kanhaiya away from me.
What a waste of single malt, kebabs & good (erm…demonetised) money.

~Lexicon~
Gau Mutra & Sanghi are now stale & new insults must be worked on, keeping our own future in mind.

If this is going to be … like forever, then must call The Club & strategise.

~Mission Statement~
This is not the end of our privileged existence.
Rahul must be readied & relaunched.
It can be done. It must be done.

~Motto~
Erm…Bharat Mata Ki Jai !
If this is what they want. This is what I will give.

Can we …erm…discuss price?

And Sir jee (eww, here I go again) remember being Hindu is all about forgiveness…

Till of course, I strike that dagger in your back.

The Anatomy of an Indian Liberal #CAA

~Class ~
Privileged, educated, whatchoo wearing to the protest?

~First Language~
English.
Discovered that Kaafiron se Azaadi has such a goosebumpy ring to it.
(Someone just told us that we’re the Kaafirs…go onnnn…!)

~Religious Denomination~
Sort of Hindu. You know that Attithi Devo Bhava stuff & that Kutumba Kutumba.

~Celebrations~
These Hindutva types must be brought to their knees before Christmas, New Year. Its a really busy time & so many of us are booked to go away …
Hotel cancellations can be killing & moreover, Rahul has to visit his Nani.

~Food~
Love mulled wine & Christmas cake but thinking of eating all the Biriyani we can because our Muslims friends are going to be taken away to concentration camps ! Thanks to fascist Modi, we might never eat Biryani again !!

~Personal Statement~
Give us a cause.
(Preferably in good weather & with Farhan Akhtar attending)

Also it’s kinda cool wearing that Hijab & showing your finger.

~Opinion~
Some of our grandparents came penniless from Lahore, Rawalpindi, Sialkot but we know if they were alive today they wouldn’t want those who were left behind to be now allowed in - to enjoy democracy, opportunity, freedom of worship, equality.… Naah !

~Syncretic Culture~
Giving citizenship to persecuted Hindus & Sikhs doesn’t make Indian culture syncretic, duh.

~Lexicon~
Aapko darr toh nahi lag raha hai ?

~Mission Statement~
Our comfort depends on an ample supply of the poor.
So let everyone in ! Someone after all has to walk the dog, clean the car.
What do we care as long they our gated condo has two tier security…

Oops, are we confusing #CAB with #NRC …?

Imagine how these fascists work.
They are dividing us by creating confusion. They called it CAB & are now referring to it as CAA. Then they told us there’s something called NRC…
We are not fools you know. We know what you are doing !

~Motto~
Hum Passport Nahi Dikhaenge.
(What if they keep it, lose it. I’ve got a ten year US visa, yaar.)

The Fluctuating Flow of The Liberal Lexicon
#CAA

~Profile of Interactions ~
Person who agrees - Informed, Intellient.
Person who disagrees - Troll. Most Likely Member of BJP IT Cell

~Classification~
Student who supports Left, Congress party - Student
Student who supports BJP - ABVP Activist

~Profile of Protestor~
Protest march against #CAA - Civil Society
March in support of #CAA - BJP Karyakartas

Protest march against #CAA - Secular
*includes people who chant religious slogans, clad in burqas, skull caps*

March in support of #CAA - Communal

*reboot*
Protest march against #CAA - Secular
*AGAINST persecuted minorities in Islamic countries finding succour in India. carry the national flag with a slogan across ~There is only One God ~
bet it’s Lord Ram or is it Christ ? …& wait, they’re singing the national anthem*

March in support of #CAA - Communal
*FOR persecuted minorities in Islamic countries finding succour in India. They carry the national flag, sing the national anthem & but wait, saffron flags can be seen*

~Placards~
Free Kashmir.
*its about the internet, stupid*

The Cow Ate My Documents, I Ate The Cow.
*it’s only humour, stupid*

I’m A Virgin.
Are You A Virgin ?
Let’s Fcuk This Government!
*thats my Tinder profile, stupid*

~Mood~
Does the irony of kids screaming Azadi, Azadi with Burqa clad women clapping, escape you ?
*it’s a beautiful moment you cow piss drinking bigots !!*

Can you tell us what #CAA is all about ?
*is this a fcuking exam ? This is about my FoE, stupid*

~Also Present ~
I’m A Waiter. I’m Looking For My Missing Wife …
*what better place than this ? stupid*

I’m scared. I’m worried.
*lets make a 10 min appearance of solidarity with the segment that might have perpetuated the violence…
Ricky Gervais, who ?*

~Esteemed Secular Members~
Rana, Arfa, Shehla, Owaisi…
*no, no wait! we are not bleddy secular, we have a movement of our own ~the assertion of islamic identity!~

*ssh! Let’s continue with the list …*

Mamta,Yogendra, Barkha, Anuraag Kashyap, Swara, Javed & Family, Yechuri, Rahul …
*arre yaar, uska naam mat le, woh phir 15 bande le ayega.
by the way is Tata among those 15 ? That fascist didn’t allow us to use his loos !*

The rest of you are Hindu Nationalists scum !

~Woke~
*grabs the flag, grabs a picture of Mahatma Gandhi*

Bharat Mata ki Jai !
*we don’t say that, stupid*

Vande Mataram !
*we don’t say that either, stupid*

What’s that song we refuse to sing & stand up for ?
Jana Gana Mana ?
Yesss!
*stand up, stupid*

The Anatomy of an Indian Liberal
#SocialDistancing

~Class~ Privileged.
Fridge & larder well stocked. Olives, chicken liver pate, caviar, halumi …
Plebeian provisions such as dal, atta, rice, oil - hoarded but unmentionable

~First Language~ English.

~Personal Statement~ Lets party!
BUT we are rooting for a LockDown!!!

~Opinion~ We’re screwed man.
Look at our slums. Modi is going to mess it up big time - we hope.

~Social Standing ~Working from home & partying.

What the heck, can afford to buy my own ventilator !

Anyways, following the New York #socialdistancing protocol.

~Mission Statement~ Modi will fail.

The Anatomy of an Indian Liberal
#LockdownIndia

~Class~ Privileged.

~Status~ Meltdown. Had to make my bed.

~Opinion~ London, New York are doing such a great job! Pubs, restaurants are all open.…Modi’s Lockdown is too much. Too long.

~Opinion Rethink~ Oops!
The Lockdown is too strict. Unless they are not telling us the truth.
We, I mean THEY, should be falling like flies, ya.

~Lexicon~ I’m so ashamed.
Friends from the US are sending videos of our police using lathis on Lockdown violators. Poor guys can’t even say *Jaante ho mera baap kaun hai ?*

I’m so ashamed.
NYTimes & WaPo are very angry with us because we’re not dropping dead as they expected.

I’m so ashamed.
These Hindutva types are going on about turmeric, Gaumutra, Gayatri Mantra, chanting Om & God knows what …!

By the way wasn’t that wonderful how the Pope united the world in a chain of prayer …?

~Religious Denomination~
In such times of crisis Ram Navami celebrations ?! The last I heard this was a Secular State !

Can someone please, please pass a fatwa that mosques should be closed ?

~Personal Statement~ Lakshman Rekha may be okay for the semi-literate masses, but it has no place in an educated society that is aware of its civil liberties. A grossly patriarchal concept which implies that men should infantilize & control women who don't know better …

Erm… this Laksman Rekha is for everyone. Men, women,kids …

Yes but they always come for the women first !
Why do you think Ramayana is back on TV ? Join the dots, man.

~Lament~ Summer vacations gone for a toss
Tuscany, Sicily
London
Paris
New York....

(Let this be a warning to all those who underestimate the RSS)

~Mission Statement~ Apocalypse Now !
Erm … perhaps not now ! Shit !

~Motto~ A (dictated) Letter A Day Keeps Corona Away !

The Anatomy Of An Indian Liberal
#BLM & Other Copy-Paste Projects …

Class - Privileged
First Language - English

~Lexicon~
Ashamed to be Hindu… erm…now modified to Human.
*as names of culprits known*

Because you wept for a pregnant elephant but not for that pregnant warrior, WhatsHerName ?*

~Opinion~
What a warrior !
Dilli Tere Khoon Se Inquilab Aega !

Poor thing! To combat tyranny, communalism, fascism she was compelled to instigate riots that killed 53 people.

~Social Standing~
Thankfully don’t know anyone of those riot victims.
Not the crowd I hang out with.

~Priority~
Revive Movement !
People get very complacent during a Lockdown & stop feeling victimised.

*humaari ideology nahi badli, sirf hummari strategy badalni padegi

Please understand its a challenge to spread hate, instigate people to kill other people when there is a deadly virus afloat.

Note the discrimination : Nothing, absolutely nothing in the economic package for us !

FB Status Update - #BLM
*hoping everyone has forgotten…erm … my politically incorrect remarks about the bride’s complexion & all that blah at a Page 3 wedding …blame it on one too many margaritas, yaar !*

~Introspection~
What a beautiful idea To Knee. We must do that here.
To who ?

Who else, yaar ?
Imagine the men in sherwanis & women in anarkalis ...!
*kjo choreographed*

Now don’t tell me to read up our history because by then the moment will pass.…

~Mission Statement~
Once we have locked our doors, closed the gates, set up the security system… Burn The Bloody Country Down !

~Personal Statement~
March on! Storm the doors of Brahmanical Patriarchy - Emporio!
*promise only one peek at Jimmy Choo & …erm one pair?*

~Professional Pressure~
Must have something concrete to show.
Can’t keep billing Soros for Ideas, Concepts & Mood Charts.

~Motto~
Hum Bhi Karke Dhikhaenge !

*suitable candidate is being short listed for the job .. erm big job*

The Anatomy of An Indian Liberal #RamJanamBhumiPujan

Class - Privleged
First Language - English
Religious Denomination - Erm..Athiest
Celebrations - Now that I’ve learnt that Raakhi is actually a Mughal festival that originated in the heart of Delhi I celebrated it with great joy!

Syncretic Culture - First call to prayer at Hagia Sophia Grand Mosque in 86 years.

Opinion ~ In the wake of Covid this is not the right time for #RamJanamBhumiPujan

~Telecasting #RamJanamBhumiPujan on DD is against India’s secular image~

Opinion ~PM attending #RamJanamBhumiPujan will be a gross violation of his constitutional oath.

~Choosing 5th August is rubbing salt in the wound of Article 370~

~The Ram Mandir is a political monument~

Liberal Whine ~ Why can’t we cancel/postpone Mandir event for now?
Just why ?~

Liberal Meltdown ~This is so repulsive. Its of the utmost importance that NYCMayor speak out against the use of our public spaces becoming a Theater of the Grotesque for demagoguery & fascist propaganda ~

......

Social Event ~ Have you been invited ?~
~Why haven’t I been invited ?~
~What ?! They’ve have been invited ?! ~

Then....a few notable DP changes later ..

Those who wanted proof of Shri Ram’s existence ....

~सरलता, साहस, संयम, त्याग, वचनवद्धता, दीनबंधु राम नाम का सार है। राम सबमें हैं, राम सबके साथ हैं।

भगवान राम और माता सीता के संदेश और उनकी कृपा के साथ रामलला के मंदिर के भूमिपूजन का कार्यक्रम राष्ट्रीय एकता, बंधुत्व और सांस्कृतिक समागम का अवसर बने। ~

But ... but ... but ...

~This is not the India I knew~
~ I’m ashamed as a society ~
~ I’m ashamed as a Hindu ~
~ I know Lord Ram didn’t want this ....... ~

O Shaddup !

Mission Statement ~ Garv Se Kaho Hum Hindu Hain ....

JAI SHRI RAM !

The Anatomy Of An Indian Liberal
#HathrasCase

What ya ! All that effort & we got caught out.
*bhaago bhaago*

*Next ?*

The Anatomy Of An Indian Liberal in LaLa Land
#Tanishq

Class ~ Privileged

First language ~ English

Religious Denomination ~108 Surya Namaskars for a washboard stomach, decolonised yoga, not having any of that Brahmanical patriarchy, whatever it is.

Definitely nothing to do with that Hindutva thingy.

Motto ~ #BLM
Please note B stands for Black. Not Brown.

Personal Statement ~ To miss the woods for the trees.

Opinion ~ Bloody plebs don't understand that their sentiments don’t matter & their opinion is worthless if we believe you cannot afford Tanishq jewellery.

*Hindutva bigots ! What would you know about a beautiful product & the artistry of a advert to match*

*So you didn’t burn the city. You didn’t destroy the store - though our channel tried to make you do it*

*You didn’t behead the .. I don’t know ... someone*

*We could ‘feel’ your toxicity rip through social media. And that, mind you, is just, just bar- baric !!

*Go drink your Gaumutra*!

Lexicon ~ Intersectionality of Interfaith

*Our idea of India is to call it an interfaith marriage but with a little name change here & there & the kids brought up in the interfaith, erm...Faith*

*So we in turn wrote mushy articles & tweets on our wonderful, all embracing in-laws which were dutifully forwarded by ‘atheists’...*

*Who cares about your ugly experiences? We don’t want to know.*

*Give us pretty, pretty.... always*

The Anatomy Of An Indian Liberal in LaLa Land
#FranceBeheading

Class ~ Privileged

First language ~ English

Religious Denomination ~ Confused.

Mission Statement ~ We stand for the marginalised & the oppressed.

Personal Statement ~ My Daddy Matters.
Merit is discriminatory.

Opinion ~ Islam is in danger.
Those who don’t think so are Islamophobes.

Argument ~ Come on! Cartoons of the Prophet is UNacceptable ! He means more to them than their parents & their children.

*Ram is a myth*

Argument ~ This beheading has nothing to do with their Faith.

*But...every little pickpocket who turns out to be Hindu is because of Manusmriti, caste, RSS, Modi ...*

Argument ~Everyone has their own way of venting anger !

*IMO outraging on SM is the worst possible crime !*

Argument ~ They escaped all kinds of horror in their own countries but now this European plenty fullness & freedom all around is too much to handle.

*By the way, India is no place for Muslims*

*erm... where exactly is the right place ?*
*ssh*

*Hello ?!
Why no mushy stories or tweets on the subject ?

No unborn babies writing long winded articles on how such families are embracing, warm, harmonious, god fearing with erm... a sense of humour ?
No pretty pretty, why?*

*Think about it. Shubh Ratri *

The Anatomy Of An Indian Liberal
#Penguins

Class ~ Privileged

First language ~ English

Religious Denomination ~ Will tell you tomorrow

Personal Statement ~ I support anything, anyone connected to the Mothership.

Opinion ~Dukaan Hamaari Hai.
So all is good.

Death of Democracy ?
*Naah !*

Fascism ?
*Where ?*

Rape of the constitution ?
*Lie back & enjoy it.*

Mission Statement ~ Chup.