Thread of stupid shit my boyfriend ( @CaseyKallfelz ) has said

"If you don't suck armpits, I don't suck pussy logang for life" then proceeds to make me eat his armpit

"Bones aren't real it's a myth made by the government. Have you ever seen your bones? How do you know bones are real if you've never seen them"

"I'm sleeping beauty's cousin, sleeping ugly"

Person: "What kind of white person are you?"
Casey: "I'm not"

"I've got a plain white tee and a plain white peen"

"I've never seen my butthole with my own eyes without mirror or photos how do I know I have a butthole"

*keeps playing deja vu from initial D while we drive until he can drive fast during the chorus*

"You opened your mouth and i crossed my eyes and from this angle you look like Wario"

"How do you think blind people know if someone is female or male? The nipples are braille"

"It's the 0 amendment that says you can't talk during My Hero Academia. It's so important that they put it before all the other amendments. Everybody knows about the 0 amendment."

"Yeah, thank you, light a cigarette and eat a penis while you're at it"

"Lemme fart in your mouth"

I didn't want to be sokka but I ended up being sokka. I wanted to be aang but I didn't want to be bald

Casey: lemme finger you
Me: ew no i'm on my period
Casey: *pulls out tiny finger condoms and rolls them on his fingers* but what if we have protection

"I don't know how to make a sandwich, I can't read"

"Why don't they call him Voldedork then he'll get embarrassed and leave"

"I have pink nipples, babe. They make strawberry milk."

"A fart can exit your butt and enter your pussy"

"You wanna know what i love you with? My dingaling"

"what has 3 eyes and a pee pee??????

m i s s i s s i p p i"

"oh ho look at me smart college student i can measure the diameter of a grape with my penis"

"I like when you touch my taint"

Casey: "i want you to touch my taint"
Me: "no"
Casey: "i want to know if it feels good"
Me: "why"
Casey: "gibby likes it when i touch his taint"

"I don't feel pain because i cannot read"

*puts sausage in my mouth* "that's what my penis would taste like if you would let me fry it but"

"Mmm i love you... eskeetit eskeetit *kiss* gucci gang *kiss* gucci gang gang gang gang"

"*whispers* logang for life"

"That's pretty eskeetit my guy gucci gang gang"

"Okay this is the 'pussyboots sex move' it's for threesomes where you take 2 girls and put your feet in their pussies and then walk around"

"You know, a fortune can only come true if you swallow it *puts fortune cookie paper in his mouth and swallows it*"

"*farts* i sneezed out my butthole. you ever sneeze out your butthole and butt boogers come out? it's called a shart"

"I wanna fuck spiderman"

me: i have to go poo
casey: puwu?

me: i started my period!!
casey: i think you end sentences with those

*rips a massive hole in his pants* "that was not scripted" *stretches and continues to rip them*

me: hey do you wanna finish my tea
casey: *spits 9 inches of jelly out into his hand, drinks the tea, throws jelly up in the air and catches it in his mouth*

"introducing cats to each other is like introducing two toddlers but they have knives"

"you go to the doctor to get diet noses because they have diet noses its for when you want to lose weight in your nose"

"big boned baby bitch"

"i shouldn't be trusted i'm trying to put the ring you gave me up my nose"

me: i used to have a crush on draco malfoy
casey: fuck malfoy, malfoy a bitch

me: what time did you go to sleep
casey: that's classified but it rhymes with hive
me: *tries to spit water back into bottle but misses*
casey: wow hit or miss, i guess they miss huh

"mmmm daddy devito..... peg me like daddy devito" @DannyDeVito

me: fecundity
casey: m'cunt knee..... fuckin titty

"hit or miss huh"

casey: "i made the casey specialty" *comes back with 2 pieces of bread with peanut butter and jelly on the outside, fingers covered in pb&j*

me: "C A S E Y"

casey: "exactly"

me: where are you going to get the tattoo?
casey: mcdonalds

casey: i would give anything to be spiderman
me: even break up with me?
casey: .........bye baby

"big butt means big booty hole"

"oh i forgot to tell you but i went to a gay bar last night"

"oh my god when we have kids i can literally tell them their mom is gay"

me: you smell like oranges
casey: yeah i spilled essential oils

casey: credit or debit?
me: debit
casey: okay *farts on me* transaction complete

"mmmmm baby help me pull my pants up i'm too thicc"

me: you're so warm
casey: what was my temperature earlier?
me: 97.5
casey: KKLZ

me: so is mario a human?
casey: no he's italian

casey when he said he had our anniversary saved in his phone:

casey: *spins egg* you know why it spins like that? because i'm stupid *smashes egg into forehead*

"did i ever tell you about my minecraft wife? i never filed for divorce"

"i have other spotify playlists baby it's okay *swipes down and starts playing kidz bop* i guess you can say these kids bop"

"i can't move i'm too thicc i'm dummy thicc"

"if i ever download a dating app it would be grindr"

"you have a smoking hot nose"

me: my lab coat is too tight on you
casey: baby im too tight for everyone. word.

"josh josh no i swear to god i'll kiss you stop you're hurting my feelings"

dairy queen worker: here's your blizzard
casey: i didn't order a lizard

"*ice cream cone bursts open and drips ice cream everywhere* oh no i busted" IN FRONT OF MY DAD AND SISTER.

"did you know that walls that look like this have ecstacy in it............ ASBESTOS I MEAN ASBESTOS"

"well ya know tomato topato"

"your jokes are subpar"

this is by far the FUNNIEST thing casey has ever said bc it's not true :^)

me: "i'm not into medieval stuff"
casey: "well you're a weirdo hmph and you're never gonna play dnd with me hmph weirdo lame-o"

me: you missed a few popcorn kernels on the ground
casey: COLONEL??? *stands up and saluts* COLONEL??????? WHERE

"you got butthead disease hmph butthead *whispers to himself* god i'm so funny"

"sky is blue. grass is green. my shit is purple."

"would it be cute... if we kissed... on valentine's day at the sonic premiere uwu nuzzles you"

casey: *calls me* hey baby....... the goblins attacked me.... and they looted the toilet paper... will you save me?
me: no *hangs up*
casey: *calls me again* i will sit on your bed with shit ass

me: can you get the chex mix out of the pantry
casey: i can pan-try
me:
casey: but i can't it's too high up because it's in the branches of the pan-tree

me: your sunburn wouldn't be itchy if you put on lotion
casey: no i'd be extra itchy. i'd be itchy with sauce

me: i'm 2 subscribers away from 200
casey: give me 5 minutes and it'll be 3

he's a sagittarius capricorn cusp

casey sleep talking: when's the new count?
me: what???????
casey: *turns around* product.

"most of my coworkers speak spanish so i'm slowly learning it. they always tell me i'm really good at my job because i'm really good with pans they call me a pendejo"

casey: do you know why you can't cook a dead lobster?
me: because of the ammonia---
casey: yeah because it develops pneumonia

"you wanna smoke meth?"

me: i'm about to throw up
casey: yeah me too you're not special

"did i tell you when i witnessed a robbery?"

*whilst watching a show by himself* homophoooooooobe..... homophobe you suck........ stupid... stupid bitch

"you're not strong willed enough to pee your pants unlike me. here watch i can pee my pants"

"oh yeah you were asleep when i came home and i couldn't show you my asshole"

>:(

me: *shows casey this tik tok*
casey: give me a second *goes downstairs and comes back with two apples*
me: DO NOT.
casey: *splits one apple with his finger and then the other with his finger and head*

casey: who was it?? shakespeare??
me: edgar allen po---
casey: EDGAR ALLEN POO

casey: i brought you your favorite salad it's in the fridge

me: really :,))) which one is my favorite

casey: the one in the fridge

"i think i'm going to let my teeth grow out. i want tusks."

"get your foot in my ass"

me: you really don't have a female celebrity crush??? an actress?? a singer???

casey: *pulls out google and is silent for 2 min* I'M NOT GAY

"can you wake me up when the superbowl starts so i can watch the commercials"

casey: i don't know why you're so mean to me all the time because i'm literally the coolest boyfriend you'll ever have
me: why is that?
casey: BECAUSE I CAN DO THE WORM

and then he dropped to the floor and did the worm and said "bet none of your other hoes can do that"

casey: *holds up a stud finder and presses it to his chest and it beeps* look at this stud finder
me: what's a stud
casey: you're looking at one baby

me: move to your left
casey: idk where that is im counterclockwise
me:.......shut up
casey: im ambidextrous i cant help it

casey's reaction to the venetian and the rest of the strip being closed immediately for 30 days: "DOPE I DONT GOTTA WORK FOR THE NEXT 30 DAYS"

"name your animal crossing island clitoris so no one can ever find it"

i cant BELIEVE i never put this here but 2 years ago when we started dating casey got high, decided to make tortilla chips, burned the heck out of his hand on the toaster oven (it left a really bad scar), and then sent me this over snapchat

"my dick burn but i don't got any ice.......... totinos pizza rolls"

i was expecting him to say something stupid but sometimes he's very sweet :,)

"what's this?" *PUSHES ON MY CARTILAGE JEWELRY*

no one:
absolutely no one:
casey, unprovoked at least once a week: i want a viking burial

me: in alaska the sun is out at 1am
casey: yeah it's bc of the equator

me: your ass is sweating on my ass can you get off
casey: actually that's my pee

https://twitter.com/sabgdrey/status/1281308558441590785?s=20

"I'm not jealous of your demon anime boys. I'm jealous of your haikyuu boys because you threw it back on them publicly in a video"

the video:

he sent me 7 pictures of h i m

"hey im out grocery shopping do you want honey bunches of oats or baby yoda cereal"

he ate an edible

(for context i used behavioral conditioning when chicken was a kitten so he would meow a lot lmao i made him meow before i gave him food)

casey: "you're no better than the man with the bell."

me: ?????

casey: "pavlov."

*checks phone* hmmm..... it is september not easter