The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank…

I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My girlfriend said: “You act like a detective too much. I want to split up…”

“Good idea,” I replied. “That way we can cover more ground.”
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas…

There are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight…

There would be mass confusion.
A man is washing the car with his son. The son asks…

“Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
How do parents lose their kids in a mall?

Seriously, any tips are welcome…
I invited my girlfriend to the gym with me and then didn’t show up…

I hope she gets the message that we’re not working out.
My stoner friend used my daily planner to roll up a joint…

He’s now high on my list of priorities.
What do you call a hippie's wife?

I can't decide if I want to pursue a career as a writer or a grifter.

I'm still weighing the prose and cons
A Dad walks into a bookstore and says, “ Can I have a book by Shakespeare?” “Of course, sir, which one?”

Dad: William
Idk why Marvel hasn’t tried to put advertisements on Hulk.

He is essentially a giant banner.
I'll never date another apostrophe.

The last one was too possessive.
What do you call a row of people lifting mozzarella?

A cheesy pick up line.
A grasshopper walks into a bar

The bartender said, I’m going to serve you a drink named after you.

The grasshopper replies, “You have a drink named Steve?!”
It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
I changed out our bed for a trampoline.

My wife hit the roof.
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food here.”
Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear that Spider-Man made himself a winter jacket out of Greek bread?

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity
So, the other day I got into a fight with 1,3,5,7 and 9.

The odds were against me.
I parked in the C section of the parking lot.

I had to climb out of the sunroof.
If womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb is pronounced as “toom...”

Then shouldn’t bomb be pronounced as “boom?”
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste!
What is the difference between a son joke and a dad joke?

The dad joke is fully groan.
A girl I ran into at a vegan restaurant said that she knew me...

But I never met herbivore
Why was the scared prisoner moved to the round cell?

Because he was certain that danger lurked behind every corner.
Try to make a sentence out of; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.

De-feet of de-duck went over de-fence before de-tail.
My hipster friend started wearing two monocles out in public.

I said, “You are making a spectacle of yourself.”
I was sitting on the toilet, angry and late for work this morning.

I thought to myself “I don’t have time for this shit”
My son and I went camping and when he asked me how to start a campfire, I explained, "You can start a fire by rubbing two sticks together, but make sure they’re the same..."

"Then you’ll have a match."

If they’re not the same, throw away the heavier one and use the lighter!
This joke didn’t turn out like I thought it wood.
Do you pronounce the capital of Louisiana new orlens or new orleens?

I pronounce it Baton Rouge
What are two horses that are placed next to each other in a stable called?

Where does the boat to go when it is sick?

The dock.
What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

One's a heavy animal and the other is a little lighter.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation.

They have everything there.
I knew I shouldn't have eaten that seafood.

Now I’m feeling a little…eel.
My mom didn't have enough birthday candles, but she had a 4 candle.

So, she said "this candle is 4 your birthday."
I dreamed about drowning in a ocean of orange soda last night.

Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.
I don't trust those trees,

They seem kind of shady.
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder Destruction.
I wasn't able to make reservations at the library.

They’re completely booked.
Did you hear about the cannibal who lost his dinner? Everything was great until he vomited up his mother in law’s foot. His wife was upset, saying “when someone’s ‘dying to have you over for a meal’ this is not what they meant”
You hear about the cop who lost a cannibal criminal? Yeah he hasn’t checked the last joke yet.
Elon Musk is just discount alternate reality Jeff Bezos. The alternate reality version of this joke is just the names swapped.
When my dad stole your tacos he looked at me and said "Nacho problem."
She grabbed her broom, and with an offended look, said "Of course I can drive stick, I am a witch!"
Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

If you don't like this joke remember violins is not the answer
Cake my Day, Punk
I keep looking for a good banana joke, but I can't find anything appeeling. I guess my skill is just slipping.
I tried finding a good BDSM joke for you all day but it's late and I'm whipped. Why is my safeword always "DON'T STOP DADDY, HARDER! HARDER!"?

That doesn't seem right.
okay but why is he naked? And... so close?
What is seven eight nine plus seven eight nine?

A really terrified ten.
You know why fish prefer salt water?

Because pepper water makes them sneeze!
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 

Because he was a little horse!
I prefer mom jokes. They're just like dad jokes except instead of a punchline they just make several callbacks to make sure the premise got home okay.
How does the gingerbread man keep warm?

Cookie sheets!
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
why did the coffee file a police report?

it got mugged.
Officer molecule to suspect molecule: I've got my ion you.
why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words

Me: Son, we have to get you to the hospital right away! You need a new butt!

7 yr old Son: What?! Why?!

Me: Because yours has a crack in it.
A recent study revealed that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
Son: "Mom, Dad? I'm... I'm gay."

Mom, staring at Dad: .........

Dad... *clenches fists.*

Mom: ..."Don't!"

Dad: *sweats profusely*

Mom: ....

Dad: "HI GAY I'M DAD!"
Dad says it's easy to deter ladies from eating Tide pods but it's more difficult to deter...gents.
I slept like a log last night.

I woke up in the fireplace.
What starts with E, ends with E, and only has one letter in it?

An envelope.
Speaking broadly, a tall woman traversing the globe can be said to be a broad broad traveling abroad.
I have a friend who is addicted to drinking brake fluids.
But he says he can stop at anytime.
I had a dream last night that I was a car muffler. I woke up exhausted
"Where do you live?"
"Don't you mean Wales?"
No, I actually live in the stomach of a herd of humpback whales you judgmental jerk."
Maybe vampires aren’t hurt by garlic at all. Maybe they just really hate garlic breath.
What is a horny ghost’s favorite type of porn?

Boo kakke
If it’s stop why is it stopped instead of stoped?

Do you think they learned how they stoped before they learned how they stopped?
I’ve watched so much porn I can never walk by the Sloppy Joe’s display at the store with my innocence intact
I once knew a woman named Pam Burger. I’m not sure what it was about her but I was always hungry around her
Q: What is a shark's favorite kind of sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish!
Did you hear about the dog who gave birth at the side of the road?

She was ticketed for littering
I was going to watch the origami world championships before it folded But it was only on paper view.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
"I never gave myself enough credit"
Putting my daughter down for her nap and she starts shaking her head "no"
I reply "Stop resisting a rest!"

Toddlers... think they are above the law.
Did you hear about the new grocery store that only sells donuts and bagels?
It's called Hole Foods.
Why do cows have a lot of enemies?
They always start beef
I heard my son say his first words to me today...
"Where have you been in the past 20 years?"
I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology.
That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.
Geology rocks but geography is where it's at.
My Lesbian neighbors bought me a Rolex for my birthday.

I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch"
When my mom was in labor, my head got stuck in her, and the midwife had to pull me out.

That’s how excited I was to see my little brother.
Why did the duck buy chapstick?
Because his lips were quacked.
Duck walks into a bar.

He says: "Gimme some chapstick! ...and can you put it on my bill?"
You’ve never seen a phone wearing glasses.

it’s because they have contacts.
Did you hear about the constipation bill in Congress?

Yeah, but I doubt that shit will pass.
To the thief who stole my pillow, know this.

I will not rest until i find you.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
Reversing the car I always yell out "Ahh, this takes me back."
Yesterday I ate a clock. It was very time consuming

Then I went back for seconds
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up...

They would be alloys.
What does DNA stand for?

National dyslexic association
What's the opposite of Antibiotics?

Something is odd about my hot stove.

I just can't quite put my finger on it.
Last night, a naked man broke into our church and started running around.

The cops finally caught him by the organ.
Why should you never fight a dinosaur?

You’ll get jurasskicked.
So what if I don’t know what ‘Armageddon’ means.

It’s not the end on the world
I didn't tell my mugger this joke because I was afraid he might steal that too.
What’s the matter, Colonel Sanders.....chicken?
Don’t trust anyone who says they don’t fart. They’re just blowing hot air in your face.
What do Cowboys wear when they go out?

Ranch Dressing.
If I was a professional dominatrix IO'd advertise myself as "pro pain and pro pain accessories" and my company would be called Kink of The Hill.
William Wolfgang the wold spider left me today to go look fora job. He wants to be a web developer. Poor guy wasn't even bugging me!
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations.
Sex might be cooler as a dead person but foreplay is a little stiff
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you…

You have my Word…
why do they call Cheetos chips? They aren't chips. At best they are stalactites.
You matter! Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared. Then you energy!
I wrote letters to all the people I hate and burned them, and now I don't know what to do with the letters.
I was thinking of running for President but changed my mind and decided to run from the President.
Some people are wise, some people are otherwise.
I ain’t the brightest book in the shed.
The sun's ON FIRE today.
I hate always looking for the right size drill bit among my tools - it's just so boring.
Seafood that tastes fishy is either really good or really bad
If they entire world were united as a single nation, we'd probably still have wars, but at least they would be civil.
I've a elevendency to exaggerate things.
Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles
When I was a girl, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my sister was.
I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.
It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.
I know a guy who keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.
They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.
Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.
It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.
I own the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it awful, it's awful.
What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Knock! Knock!

Who's there?


Spell who?

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
Feeling pretty proud of myself. The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My wife wanted a puppy. But I didn't want a puppy. So we compromised and got a puppy.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible"
"Well, tell him I can't see him right now."
Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But,smoking bacon will cure it.
My dream woman has a special combination of inner and outer beauty and is, most importantly, too naive to know she's way out of my league.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.
Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
Don't you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
My email password has been hacked. That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.
Even in a kangaroo court my lawyer doesn’t have the correct koalafications.
She pointed at the tower. “Isn’t this erection hard on your knees, Niece Eunice?”
When I bought my wife an elephant for her room she said ‘Thanks!’

I said ‘Don’t mention it.’
Is @JoeBiden announcing that he's running for prez yet? No? Ok, I guess you could say that Biden is biden his time.
After searching for days what did the momma corn ask the baby corn?

"Where's pop corn?"
Let’s get the ball rolling on these corny jokes eh? Starting with this literal ball of corn.
Q: What is corn oil use for?
A: To stop corn from squeaking.
Q: What did the ear of corn say when he heard he received a compliment?

A: Aw, shucks.
Q: How is an ear of corn like an army?
A: Both have lots of kernels.
What is the most mythical vegetable?
A: The unicorn.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says: "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant,
about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
So how come when you give someone food you're feeding them but when you give them water you're not watering them?
what if the matrix was inside US all along?
Hey why did the mortuary director die? He was coffin up blood.
A dairy cow will produce up to 3% more milk when listening to music. But they don’t like country music, especially Willie Nelson. They need something with a good beat.
Farts have been clocked at a speed of 10 feet per second. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. On an average work day, a typist’s figures travel 12.6 miles The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.
40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour. Vending Machines Kill More People per year than sharks. There are three golf balls sitting on the moon!
Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
In France, it is legal to marry a dead person.
To produce a single pound of honey, a single bee would have to visit 2 million flowers.
You are born with 300 bones, by the time you are an adult you will have 206.
A cockroach will live for weeks without its head before it starves to death
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
In Tokyo, a bicycle is faster than a car for most trips of less than 50 minutes!
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain
Every year, kids in North America spend close to half a billion dollars on chewing gum!
Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear trousers.
The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
The word pencil comes from a Latin word meaning small penis.
There is a French company that you can hire to kidnap you. They charge US$1600.
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is the official name of a village in Wales.
It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it.
Every day more money is printed for monopoly than the US Treasury.
Cost of raising a medium-sized dog to the age of 11: $5500
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
Coca Cola was originally green.
Elephants are the only mammals that can't jump.
A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos!
You are about 1 centimeter taller in the morning than in the evening!
In India, people are legally allowed to marry a dog!
More than 6,000 people with pillow-related injuries check into U.S. emergency rooms every year!
In Florida, It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
A sneeze travels out your mouth at over 100 mph!
A Boeing 747 airliner holds 57,285 gallons of fuel!
Every second, Americans collectively eat one hundred pounds of chocolate.
Every 45 seconds, a house catches on fire in the United States!
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable"!
1% of Germany's population is genetically immune to HIV.
You breathe on average about 5 million times a year.
It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Even if you were cloned, you'd still be one of a kind. And the better looking one.
It's not easy to be me. Which is why I need you.
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent.
it’s getting weird, the furniture store keeps calling me.

i only wanted one night stand.
Dad jokes are the best and here's why:

How does NASA put together a party? They planet.
If you run in front of a bus, you may get tired, but if you run behind the bus, you'll get exhausted.
I think I want to quit my real estate job. I’d rather clean mirrors for a living. It’s just something I can see myself doing.
Wanna hear a joke about a stone? Never mind, I’ll just skip that one.
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
Daughter: “Dad, I’m cold.”
Dad: “Go stand in a corner. It’s 90 degrees.”
Jimmy (reading facts and figures from his dad’s insurance tables): “Did you know that every time I breathe, a man dies?”
Dad: “Why don’t you use a little mouthwash now and then?”
“Have you heard of Murphy’s law?”
“What is it?”
“If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”
“That’s right. Have you heard of Cole’s law?”
“No, what is it?”
“Thinly sliced cabbage and mayo.”
Did you hear the news that a lot of applications just came in from people looking to pursue a career as the government’s top-ranking medical official? Yes, there was a surge in general.
What do you call a bad joke? This.
Teacher (on phone): You say Michael has a cold and can’t come to school today? To whom am I speaking?
Voice: This is my father.
Johnny’s father: Let me see your report card.
Johnny: I don’t have it.
Johnny’s father: Why not?
Johnny: My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.
“Dad, are bugs good to eat?” asked the boy.

“Let’s not talk about such things at the dinner table, son,” his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, “Now, son, what did you want to ask me?”

“Nothing,” the boy said. “There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone.”
A small boy was at the zoo with his father. They were looking at the tigers, and his father was telling him how ferocious they were.

“Daddy, if the tigers got out and ate you up…”

“Yes, son?” the father asked, ready to console him.

“ …Which bus would I take home?”
Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.
A book never written: “Fatherly Advice” by Buck L. Upson.
Son: For $20, I’ll be good.
Dad: Oh, yeah? When I was your age, I was good for nothing.
Pee Wee: What do you call your dad when he falls through the ice?
Westy: Beats me.
Pee Wee: A POPsicle!
I was addicted to shampoo, but I'm clean now.
Hey what happens when you get a bloodsucker angry? You earn a Vamp's ire.
Hey does anyone wanna hear a funny pun about poisons? Or would that KILL the room?
You can follow @wordglass.
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