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el·dritch
/ˈeldriCH/
adjective
weird and sinister or ghostly.
weird
/wird/
adjective
suggesting something supernatural; uncanny.
noun
a person's destiny. verb
induce a sense of disbelief or alienation in someone.
In the second grade I lost a day.
/ˈeldriCH/
adjective
weird and sinister or ghostly.
weird
/wird/
adjective
suggesting something supernatural; uncanny.
noun
a person's destiny. verb
induce a sense of disbelief or alienation in someone.
In the second grade I lost a day.
Each day of the week we would have some special activity that would take us to some other part of the school. PE on Mon/Wed. Library on Fri. Music on Tues/Thurs. Clockwork, routine, easy. PE, Music, PE, Music, Library.
There is one day of one week of one month in the second grade that sits heavy on my mind, two decades later. I remember going to school on Tuesday, going to Music, going home, going to sleep.
I woke up at 6am, an hour before I was supposed to wake up, shaking.
I woke up at 6am, an hour before I was supposed to wake up, shaking.
I didn’t believe in monsters under my bed, because I knew they hid elsewhere. I knew the rules. So after looking at the clock, I laid back down to avoid their attention, and went back to sleep. If I fell asleep fast enough, they couldn’t get me. I understood that.
I woke up again, shaking, at 4am, three hours before I was supposed to wake up. But still aware of the rules, after looking at the clock, I laid back down. Three hours later my father woke me up. I went to school. I went to Music. And began freaking out.
“We did Music yesterday!” I said.
“No, we did PE yesterday,” my classmates said. “We did Music on Tuesday.”
“But it’s Wednesday!”
“No, it’s Thursday. You were here yesterday. Why are you being so weird?”
“No, we did PE yesterday,” my classmates said. “We did Music on Tuesday.”
“But it’s Wednesday!”
“No, it’s Thursday. You were here yesterday. Why are you being so weird?”
And they were right, I found out. It was indeed Thursday. And after begging my teacher to let me see, I was there yesterday during Wednesday. My lunch account at school had been taxed for yesterday’s meal as well. My parents confirmed that, yes, yesterday I went to school.
But to my memory then and now, there was no Wednesday. In my mind that was a six day week. I wasn’t sick. I didn’t forget. There was a day where I wasn’t there. There was a day where I was there. There was a day where I want there. There was a day where I was there.
Since then I’ve been more sensitive to stories involving time and memory. Logically, I think, my mind must be acting funky and I just forgot a day. Illogically, I time travelled forward a day and something else took my place for 24 hours. But the point is, I don’t know.
And here is where my appreciation for Lovecraft begins and ends: The oldest and strongest emotion of mankind is fear, and the oldest and strongest kind of fear is fear of the unknown.
I am terrified when I think of my six day week, because I cannot explain it at all.
I am terrified when I think of my six day week, because I cannot explain it at all.
When I think eldritch horror, my mind goes to the six day week. It is weird and sinister, and I worry about what it actually is. I don’t think I ever will, and I’ve come to accept that I’ll always be afraid, because no matter how often I say it I still can’t explain it.
I’m not afraid of other races of people, I’m not afraid of math or cold temperatures. As I am not unique, I suspect many others as well have some awareness and fear that they may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It’s therein that we can understand Lovecraft’s work.
That’s the key ingredient, the key factor, in his work in the end. Things happen in his stories, and in the vast majority of them, the narrator is simply a bystander or observer to the events that unfold. No stopping it. No controlling it. What happens is inevitable.
That’s something is missing in much of the repurposing and adapting of Lovecraft’s work. The claws, the decay, the death. They’re symptoms and byproducts of that initial fear. And without it, the reinterpretation is lacking in what made it so horrifying.
When I see something advertised as being eldritch horror, it’s a red flag to me. Because often I have opened it up to find that they have simply made a costume of felt based on the cadaver of Lovecraft’s monsters and yelled “Boo!”.
It’s like calling bacon “awesome.”
It’s like calling bacon “awesome.”
However, sometimes a thing comes along that is born from someone’s genuine fear. It may have monsters, or not. It may have teeth, or not. It may have Cthulhu, or not.
What matters is that someone took a fear they understood, a fear they may have lived, and made me understand it.
What matters is that someone took a fear they understood, a fear they may have lived, and made me understand it.
These works stand out in my mind. They stand unique and grand and amazing and larger than life, and for the duration of the comic or game or show, I am immersed in that fear. I am embroiled and bathed in it, and for some time after, I share it too.
It is, in the end, a shared vulnerability that can create eldritch horror. A sharing of fear that can create a monolith of dread in our mind. I don’t currently know anyone who can honestly say that Cthulhu frightens them, one instant where its presence is not simply cameo.
But I can say that there are other people who may share my own fears, maybe more intensely than I do, and vice versa. That there are other people who have a fear or lost time and memory. Through the sharing of these fears, I or they become more understood. Or at least cared for.
Because in the end, that’s my real fear. Of being misunderstood, or being uncared for. It’s why I tell and share stories, why I read and listen so much. Why I play so many games. To avoid isolation and separation from others.
And I don’t think I’m unique in that regard, either.
And I don’t think I’m unique in that regard, either.
If you liked this thread and the frank openness of it, you might also like my upcoming interview book, #POLYHEDRAL, where I talk with TTRPG designers about their life and careers.
Live on Kickstarter. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/polyhedral/polyhedral
Live on Kickstarter. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/polyhedral/polyhedral
